Well, 2013 has been a pretty disappointing year to be a music fan. Yeah, there’s still some great music out there, but there’s a lot of crap that outweighed the good stuff. As the year progressed, the songs got worse and worse and they got more boring and bland, which makes it difficult for me to talk about most of these songs. Fortunately, I have enough material to talk about the ten bags of manure that are on this list. So put on your Hazmat suits and grab those shovels because we’re about to be in some deep shit.
You know. Country music fans and hip-hop fans usually never get along with each other and who can blame them? They’re both polar opposites. One wears a cowboy hat and drinks whiskey while the other wears a baseball cap and drinks Hennessy. To put them both in the same place would be risky. Just look at them. Despite this, both fanbases came together in harmony and set their differences aside to share their equal hatred of this god-awful song. This song is a remix to Florida Georgia Line’s #1 country hit single of the same name. It became a huge pop hit after they got Nelly to be on the remix. The original song is a terrible pop-country song and this remix is an even worse pop-country-rap song. This song’s about FGL trying to pick up a girl (like we haven’t heard that before). It’s repetitive, it’s overly-processed to the point that it doesn’t even sound like a country song (for this remix, they changed the production and added vocal processors to make it different from the original), the lyrics are dogshit, and Nelly doesn’t add anything to it. Speaking of Nelly, WHY IS HE ON HERE?! This guy claims to be a “country boy,” yet he’s from St. Louis, which is in the Midwest and is the farthest thing from country. My guess for the reason for this is because Nelly’s relevance is fading. His last Top 40 hit was Just A Dream, which came out in 2010. It’s about to be 2014 and Nelly’s recent albums are flopping. This is obviously a desperate move on his part. Country/rap collaborations have happened in the past and this is the worst one to date.
Now I’m cheating here because this song came out in 2012, but it didn’t hit its commercial peak until early 2013, so I’m counting it. It doesn’t even matter; I hate this fucking song. I really do. I hate what it’s about, I hate how it’s done, and I hate everything it represent. Fuck this song. It’s just another rap song about fucking and, MAN, it’s so obnoxious. Also, I don’t see how having sex with a lot of women can be a problem unless they’re in a relationship or if they have an STD. The beat sounds like a shitty 90s throwaway, the hook from 2 Chainz is annoyingly repetitive, and none of the rappers had good verses. A$AP’s verse was trash, Drake’s verse was trash, and Kendrick Lamar put out the worst verse of his entire career. Look at this.
Got your girl on my line, world on my line The irony, I fuck em at the same damn time She eyeing me like a nigga don’t exist Girl, I know you want this D
C’mon, Kendrick. You’re better than this. How did you let yourself get dragged into this shitfest (my guess, $$$)? I just hate when a good lyrical rapper is reduced to making mindless club music. I hope we never get anything like this from Kendrick on his next record. This song is one big fucking problem and not in a good way.
Man, where do I start with this? The beat sounds like some shit made by some 14 year old using FL Studio for the first time. The hook is repetitive as hell, the rapping and songwriting are lazy as hell. This song is just boring, there’s no energy in it at all. My biggest problem with this song, however, is how inaccurate it is. Drake is claiming to have started from the bottom, which is pure, complete, total BULLSHIT. I’m not saying he grew up with a silver spoon in his mouth because I don’t know him personally, but he knows NOTHING about the bottom. He’s from the suburbs of Toronto. His mom was a teacher. Not exactly the highest-paying job, but they weren’t piss-poor. Also, Drake was on TV by the time he was a teenager, getting paid more than other teenagers who are probably working at McDonald’s or something part-time.
Also, he’s not even telling a story of his “struggles,” just a bunch of random bullshit that many people go through everyday like arguing with his mom, borrowing his uncle’s car, all of that shit which has no connection to each other. If you’re gonna do a song about the struggle, at least tell a story. Take, for example, Biggie Smalls’ Juicy, a well-known song about the struggle. In the song, Biggie actually tells a cohesive story and goes into detail. It works because it’s actually believable and more relatable to the everyman. Drake, however, doesn’t do that at all. He just rambles on about bullshit and repeats “started from the bottom, now we here” over and over again. Why did he even do this song and why that title? I guess Started From The Middle Class or Started From Degrassi wasn’t catchy enough.
If you don’t believe that 2 Chainz is a bad rapper, then listen to I’m Different because it proves why he’s one of the most uninteresting rappers to ever gained recognition. The beat is your typical DJ Mustard production with a simplistic melody that even babies can do and preset drums. The song title is a lie because Chainz hasn’t said or done anything that makes him different from the other run-of-the-mill bad rappers out there, rapping more generic luxury porn and unfunny punchlines that even an out-of touch dad wouldn’t even use. Dear Jesus, this song is horrendous.
Oh, Miley. We meet again. This was inevitable. You know, I was deciding whether to choose this or Wrecking Ball, but Wrecking Ball bored the shit outta me and I didn’t have enough material to tear it a new asshole (check out my Billboard Hot 100 Top 40 Review to see my feelings about it), so I chose We Can’t Stop instead. So what’s wrong with this song? Everything. The beat, the lyrics, the repetitive hook, the delivery, the use of Auto-Tune, etc. It’s not even a good party song. Party songs are supposed to be upbeat and make you wanna have fun. This shit is too slow and it doesn’t make me wanna have fun at all, it makes me wanna throw something at the DJ or whoever’s in charge of the music and tell them to change it. The production is weak and makes the song sound depressing, something you don’t want a club song to be. Lyrically, it sucks. It’s about Miley and her friends doing whatever they want. Her whole gimmick is shock value. Here’s the thing about shock value, it wears off quickly and when you continuously try to use it, people won’t buy into it. Miley better find a new gimmick soon or she’ll be out of the industry in no time. And this fake ghetto/ratchet Rihanna-like image isn’t gonna cut it. You can’t stop, Miley? Well, you can’t stop being annoying. Fuck this song and fuck all of the yes men and enablers who let her make herself look ridiculous.
Wow. Rihanna finally did it. She managed to make something almost equally as bad as Birthday Cake. That’s actually amazing. What is there to say about Pour It Up? Rihanna isn’t even singing in this, she’s just half-singing, half, speaking in a bored tone. The lyrics are your standard club song clichés of getting money, throwing it at strippers, buying alcohol, and pretty much live like a jackass. The worst part of the song is the production, courtesy of Mike WiLL Made-It. For some reason, this guy likes slow, dark, dreary beats a lot and it is not fun to listen to. This song is a chore to get through. No effort was put into this shit, someone wrote the song, gave it to Rihanna and Mike WiLL made-It, and said, “Do something with it.” This is an ugly, ugly song and I hope to never hear it again.
will.i.am. What’s there really to say about the frontman of the Black Eyed Peas? Well, he’s a terrible artist who’s known for making the same songs over and over again. Scream And Shout is a song that will make you literally scream and shout. What can I say about this song that everyone else hasn’t already said? It follows the typical formula of a lot of will.i.am-produced songs, especially in the beat, which is simple, repetitive, and annoying as balls. One might notice it sounds similar to a well-known BEP song released two years before it. Oh, yeah. It’s a shameless ripoff of The Time (Dirty Bit). How lazy are you, will.i.am? Speaking of will, he’s rapping in Auto-Tune verses about absolutely nothing and is just wasting our time. And then there’s Britney Spears, who barely sounds like herself as she’s buried in too much vocal effects to the point of unfamiliarity. At some point, she says this while using a fake British accent ala Madonna.
When you hear this in the club
You’re gonna turn the shit up
You’re gonna turn the shit up
You’re gonna turn the shit up
Question: if I’m in the club and I’m not a DJ, how am I supposed to turn this shit up? Just wondering. If you though this song was bad, there’s a remix with Lil Wayne, P. Diddy, and Wacka Flocka Flame. I think that speaks for itself. Now for will.i.am’s other hit, #thatpower. Yes, I spelled that correctly. There’s a fucking hash tag in the title of the song. Wow. What can I say about that besides Twitter? Moving on, this shit sounds like every other will.i.am song out there, annoying bland beat, repetitive chorus, elementary lyrics, and a guest feature, this time around, Justin Bieber, who sucks as usual. Seriously, he doesn’t even say much in the song.
And oh, I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive And oh, I can fly, I can fly, I can fly And oh, I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive And I’m loving every second, minute, hour, bigger, better, stronger power
A good example of lazy songwriting. And what fucking power? This is weak shit. will.i.am, of course, is just spitting Auto-Tune-infested, douchebag rhymes. And there’s no chemistry between will.i.am and Bieber. It sounds like they recorded this shit in two different studios. Hell, they probably haven’t even met yet at that time. When artists collaborate, there’s supposed to be some form of chemistry to make the song work. Here, that shit doesn’t even exist. It’s like the labels decided to just put these two on a song together and released it. I don’t know who this song is supposed to be for. I’m guessing it’s for nobody since, as a club song, it’s pretty bland. Hash tag fuck this song (#fuckthissong), hash tag waste of time (#wasteoftime).
Country music really sucked in 2013 thanks to bro-country and out of this year, there came two of the worst country songs to have ever existed, Blake Shelton’s Boys Round Here and Luke Bryan’s That My Kind Of Night. Both have fake synthetic production, terrible writing, and are pandering as hell to both pop and hip-hop audiences. Boys Round Here has all of the writing cliches of modern country: beer, women, trucks, dirt roads, etc. It’s almost like the song is a checklist of country music cliches. That’s My Kind Of Night has some of the worst production in country. A lot of the instrumentation is overtaken by synths and drum machines; it just creates an ugly sound that’s not made better by Luke’s Auto-Tuned vocals. Can country music possibly sink any lower?
Like I’ve said before, Lil Wayne has been on a steady decline for a while and he hit a new low in 2013 with the release of I Am Not A Human Being II, which contained this single, the ironically titled Love Me. There is nothing to love here. This is the most despicable music ever made and no one involved actually gave a shit when they made this. The whole vibe of the record is depressing as fuck no thanks to the dreary Mike WiLL Made-It’s production, the tone of both Future and Drake’s voices on the hook (which is the only thing they contribute), and Lil Wayne being Auto-Tuned to death, rapping about the things he’s familiar with, fucking bitches, killing niggas, getting high of weed and lean, etc. This is a song that hates the listener and does everything it can to make the listener hate it back. Well, congratulations, you doucheholes. You’ve succeeded in that manner.
Now before we get to #1, let’s go through some dishonorable mentions.
- Robin Thicke ft Pharrell & T.I.-Blurred Lines
- Ace Hood ft Rick Ross & Future-Bugatti
- Taylor Swift-22/I Knew You Were Trouble
- Katy Perry-Roar
- Justin Bieber ft Nicki Minaj-Beauty And A Beat
- Selena Gomez-Come & Get It
- Icona Pop ft Charli XCX-I Love It
- Bauuer-Harlem Shake/Ylvis-The Fox
- Passenger-Let Her Go
- Pitbull ft Christina Aguilera-Feel This Moment
Now that we got that out the way, let’s finish the list. The number one worst song of 2013 IS……
U.O.E.N.O. This was a song that was not supposed to be a hit, a song that song that only became as well-known as it did because of the controversy behind it, which we’ll get to. First off, this song is just plain boring. The beat is weak as all hell with a not-so-good combination of trumpet and trap drums that’ll put people to sleep. Every rapper on here sounds bored while rapping about the typical luxury rap shit we’ve heard a million times before. If they’re bored about this crap, so will the audience. Rocko is a non-presence and Future sounds like a broken robot once again. But the true reason why U.O.E.N.O. tops the list is because of Rick Ross, who’s rapped the following lines.
Put Molly all in her champagne, she ain’t even know it
I took her home and I enjoyed that, she ain’t even know it
Ladies and gentlemen, what William Roberts just described is called date rape. I don’t even know how anyone could get any other interpretation out of this. He puts a drug in a woman’s drink without her knowing and he had sex with her without her consent. By definition, that’s date rape. One could make an argument that worse things have been said in other rap songs, but here’s the thing: framing is key. It’s not just that Rick Ross said this horrific thing, it’s the nonchalant way that he said it, like it was just another dope line to him. He doesn’t realize how horrific it was until the controversy came around and people started protesting him. He eventually apologized for it, but that was when Reebok dropped his endorsement deal, so it was too little, too late. And look, I’m not advocating for him to be censored or anything; he’s an artist, he should be allowed to express his art however way he wants, which is protected by the 1st Amendment. However, people should be aware that words do have consequences, which is why U.O.E.N.O. is as terrible as it is.
So those were the Top 10 (technically 12) Worst Songs of 2013. All of these songs are crap. I’m definitely curious about how much 2014 will suck. That’s all for now, folks.