Target Practice

Target Practice: Jason Derulo ft 2 Chainz “Talk Dirty”

Target Practice

Welcome to Target Practice, a segment on Nerd With An Afro where I head to the shooting range and take shots at a bad popular song. This was formerly known as the Lyrical Dissection, then I decided to change it up. Regardless, no song is safe from my crosshairs. Today’s target comes from Jason Derulo and features 2 Chainz called “Talk Dirty.”

Jason Derulo
Get jazzy on me”

Who the fuck is this foreign chick in the beginning? It’s like they picked her up from the streets and forced her to record this. And what does “get jazzy on me” mean? Is whoever this chick he’s talking to about to play some jazz music or something? Are they about to make some smooth jazz in the sack?  I don’t know. Moving on.

I’m that flight that you get on, international
First class seat on my lap girl, riding comfortable
Cause I know what the girl them need, New York to Haiti
I got lipstick stamps on my passport, you make it hard to leave

Oh, wow. Lame sex puns. Well, better get used to it because this song is full of them. Dude is comparing his dick to an airplane. What a douche. Also, Haiti and leave do NOT rhyme. Whoever wrote this probably doesn’t even know how rhymes work. You couldn’t find any words that rhymes with Haiti? Lady, maybe, baby, crazy, lazy? Anything. Let’s look at the hook.

Been around the world, don’t speak the language
But your booty don’t need explaining
All I really need to understand is
When you talk dirty to me
Talk dirty to me
Talk dirty to me
Talk dirty to me
Get jazzy on me

Another instance where two words don’t rhyme with each other, this time, it’s on the hook. What the fuck? About 8 people took part in writing this shit and nobody could find ANY word that rhymes with language? These are the most incompetent songwriters ever. Anyways, it’s just Jason focusing on a girl’s ass, natural male behavior. And he wants this foreign girl to talk dirty to him, even though he doesn’t know the language. You really didn’t this through, did you, Jason? You have no idea what this chick says when she talks and you want her to talk dirty to you. She’d probably insult your manhood and you wouldn’t even know it. Dudes really to think with the brain between their shoulders instead of the brain between their legs.

You know the words to my songs
No habla inglés
Our conversations ain’t long
But you know what is
I know what the girl them want, London to Taiwan
I got lipstick stamps on my passport
I think I need a new one

Well, some foreigners learn English from American popular music, so I got nothing for that. And notice he said “speak English” in Spanish. That may work if he was somewhere like Mexico or Spain, but any other non-Spanish-speaking country, it doesn’t. I get that the whole song is supposed to be about women from different countries, but if you’re gonna focus on just one language, you just destroyed that notion of being worldly. I don’t get the whole lipstick stamps on the passport shit. Is that what motherfuckers do when they go to another country, have some random foreign girl kiss their passport? That’s just stupid.

Uno, met a friend in Rio
Dos, she was all on me-o
Tres, we could ménage à three-o
Cuatro, ooh

So he meets a woman in Rio de Janerio, she was all over him, and then they have a threesome with some random chick who’s never mentioned at all. This particular bridge is one of the best examples of lazy songwriting. They tried to make everything rhyme with Rio, yet they couldn’t think of any more words, so they just wrote down whatever and put an “o” at the end of the last word. Enough of Jason Derulo. Let’s get into the guest rap feature, 2 Chainz. Let’s see what bars of ass he brings to this giant platter of elephant dung.

Dos Cadenas, closed the genius
Sold out arenas, you can suck my penis
Gilbert Arenas, guns on deck
Chest to chest, tongue on neck
International oral sex
Every picture I take, I pose a threat
Boat or jet, what do you expect?
Her pussy so good I bought her a pet
Anyway, every day I’m trying to get to it
Got her saved in my phone under “Big Booty”
Anyway, every day I’m trying to get to it
Got her saved in my phone under “Big Booty”

I have to applaud Mr. Tity Boi for a moment. Congratu-fucking-lations, 2 Chainz. You just set a new low for terrible rapping. You get two middle fingers from me and an induction into the Rap Music Hall of Shame. On a serious note, this shit is awful, real awful. Random off-topic lines, typical mainstream rap cliches, stupid puns, and just straight-up laziness, especially that last part where Chainz repeats the same two lines twice makes it seem like he ran out of lines to put in, so he just repeated it. There’s no way anyone could read these lyrics with a straight face. So what does this add to the song? Absolutely nothing.

What? I don’t understand!

You and me both, sister.

This song is a steaming pile of douche-monkey fertilizer. It’s a disgusting journey into the mind of a perverted American man going to a new country for the first time in the sole, miserable hope for tapping some foreign ass. It makes Lil Wayne sound less thirsty in comparison. As I speak, this song is currently #3 on the Billboard Hot 100, above 97 other songs and below just two. Just when you think the industry’s improving, human feces like this gets smeared in our faces and ruins all potential. It’s time this fake Chris Brown fades back into obscurity where he belongs. We already have problems with one Chris Brown, we don’t need another fucking one.