Target Practice

Target Practice: Drake ft Majid Jordan “Hold On, We’re Going Home”

Target Practice
Welcome to Target Practice where bad popular songs of the past and present get shot. I just want to make some things clear and get some shit off my chest; I don’t hate Drake, not at all. I don’t think he’s terrible. Out of the whole Young Money crew, he’s the only one who’s tolerable. It’s just that I’m not a fan of the guy overall. His whole style and aura reeks of corniness and he has those songs that I can’t stand from the fibers of my body like today’s Target Practice. This shit got a ton of praise and was on a bunch of best songs lists of last year, even those hypocritical hipsters at Pitchfork, who wouldn’t know a good song if it raped their faces, put it very high on their list over more superior songs. And that is total bullshit. So what song from everyone’s favorite human punchline am I talking about? Hold On, We’re Going Home.

I got my eyes on you

That’s the best way to start off this “romantic” song, with something horrendously creepy. Seriously, this is something that a suspicious person says to someone they don’t trust. This is what a hunter whispers when he has his game in his crossfires.

You’re everything that I see

What, you can’t see everything else besides the chick? You need glasses, dude. Unless this chick is the entire world, then that’s not possible.

I want your high love and emotion endlessly

In other words, ladies, Drake wants to get in your pants. The nice guy act is just that, an act. Keep your eyes open.

I can’t get over you

Then get over her, you creep. You’re seconds away from kidnapping this chick and throwing her in your trunk. You need mental help, my Canadian friend.

You left your mark on me

What, did she shoot you? Stab you? Beat you up like Solange did to Jay Z on that elevator?

I want your high love and emotion endlessly

Lazy songwriting got to you, Aubrey?

Cause you’re a good girl and you know it

I’m sorry. There’s NO way anyone in real life says this crap and expects anyone to take them seriously. “You’re a good girl and you know it?” What kind of corny pick-up line is this? What possible brain malfunction made you pull that shit out your ass?

You act so different around me
Cause you’re a good girl and you know it

Maybe it’s because you’re a deranged perv who’ll fuck anything with a big ass in tight jeans. She probably doesn’t want anything to do with you. Just because you’re rich and famous doesn’t mean you get to have everything you want. There’s something called RESPECT and PERSONAL SPACE, you fucking dickhead!!

I know exactly who you could be

A. A human blow-up doll.

B. Chopped-up body parts.

Make your choice, ladies, because that’s all he’s giving you.

Just hold on we’re going home
Just hold on we’re going home
It’s hard to do these things alone
Just hold on we’re going home (home)

Who the fuck says that in real life? Hold on, we’re going home? That has to be one of the dumbest things you can say to anyone ever. Why do you have to tell her to hold on? Are you in a rush or something? I know you’re desperate for some late-night pussy, but damn. “It’s hard to do these things alone?” Do what alone, get your rocks off? There’s a solution to that, buddy. Just go on the internet, look up some porn, rub one off, and fall asleep. Simple. At this point, I don’t know if Drake wants to fuck this girl or kill her.

You’re the girl
You’re the one
Gave you everything I love
I think there’s something, baby
I think there’s something, baby

(uncontrollable laughter)

My God. These are the type of lyrics I expected from a boy band song, like something from *NSYNC or the Backstreet Boys. Even they would laugh at how schmaltzy these lyrics are. Did Drake write this shit for One Direction or something, because it sounds like it.  You know what? I’m ending it here because I can’t take any more of this.

This song is a sappy kick to the genitals that’s really a stalker anthem in disguise. There’s nothing romantic about this song, it’s creepy as fuck. This is more of a serial killer’s confession to one of his victims before raping and murdering them than something you’d hear at a wedding. The lyrics I just showed you are the only lyrics throughout the ENTIRE SONG. Basically, every line here except for the last, which is just a bridge, repeats itself 3 times throughout the 3:47 run of this song. If that’s not lazy writing, then I don’t know what is. This wouldn’t be much of a problem if the lyrics are deep and well-written, but they aren’t. It’s full of corny, lovey-dovey lines that boy bands would laugh at. What some people see as a masterpiece of songwriting is really a generic pop song over a boring 80s synthpop beat (which makes it sound more dated than timeless) with horribly sung vocals. Oh, yeah. I almost forgot about that. Drake can’t hold a note worth a damn, let alone harmonize. Speaking of singing, this Majid Jordan guy or group (I can’t really tell and I don’t really care) is pretty bland and forgettable (BTW, good luck with that OVO label, Drake, because not every artist imprint becomes successful). Fuck this candy ass, pillow soft, Lionel Richie from the 1980s, Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, Hanson, Jonas Bros., One Direction, Justin Bieber (insert bubblegum-teen pop star name here), Charmin Soft, baby oil, flock of sheep, sugar-coated, estrogenized, Top 40 radio-pandering song. Insert Big Ghost punchline here. Fuck this song till eternity.