Target Practice

Target Practice: Fergie “London Bridge”

Target Practice
Welcome to Target Practice where bad popular songs of the past and present get shot. The Black Eyed Peas. Oh, boy. What’s there to say about this group that hundreds of other people haven’t said before? They started off as another underground hip-hop group that wasn’t selling shit with their first two albums. Then, with their third record, 2003’s Elephunk, they started seeing commercial success. How did it happen? Well, you can thank a radical change in the group that’s both musically and physically. Namely, they added something that was missing with this group with two black guys (one of them is half-Filipino) and a Hispanic guy. What was it? A white girl, of course. Specifically, Stacy Ferguson aka Fergie. Yeah. Ever since she became a member of BEP, the group became more successful. After the success of Elephunk and the follow-up Monkey Business, they took a hiatus to do solo work. Fergie released her debut solo album, The Dutchess, which was a hot mess. There were songs that were decent like Big Girls Don’t Cry, but there was plenty of shit like the subject of this Target Practice, London Bridge.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.
Are you ready for this?
Oh, shit!
Oh!

My sentiments exactly. And, yes. I am ready to dig into this shit pile.

It’s me
Fergie
The pen
Polo!
Fergie Ferg, what’s up baby?!
Come on

“Ah, man. I love it when artists do random shout-outs and name drops at the beginning of a song. It makes the song 100% better and is very neccessary.” -NO ONE EVER

When I come to the clubs, step aside (Oh, shit)
Part the seas, don’t be having me in the line (Oh, shit)
V.I.P ’cause you know I gotta shine (Oh, shit)
I’m Fergie Ferg
And me love you long time (Oh shit)

Why does every fucking rap song have to mention being at a club in the first line? Why can’t they be at like a Walmart or something? I get that it’s supposed to be a club song, but I’m tired of hearing rap songs with first lines that are some variation of “I be at the club.” It just stinks of unoriginality and laziness. I’m gonna ignore the inconsistent rhyming and that horribly-dated Full Metal Jacket reference and I’m gonna talk about the group of morons saying “oh, shit” after every line. Get used to that because it goes on throughout the whole song. I don’t get it. Is this supposed to imply that every line Fergie says is so dope that other people around her are going ape-shit over it? If so, they’re the most easily-impressed group ever.

“I BE IN THE CLUB.”

“AIN’T NOBODY BETTER THAN ME. I’M FRESH TO DEATH.”

“I JUST GOT INTO A FIGHT WITH ANOTHER BITCH AND IT’S ALREADY ON WORLDSTAR.”

“I DON’T CARE. I TOOK THAT BITCH’S WEAVE.”

I might use this joke in later Target Practices, but not this much. Moving on.

All my girls get down on the floor (Oh, shit)
Back to back drop it down real low (Oh, shit)
I’m such a lady but I’m dancing like a ho (Oh, shit)
’cause you know I don’t give a fuck so here we go! (Oh shit)

You know? Looking at Miley Cyrus now and looking at this song, it’s hard not to make a connection between the two. The trashy, attention-seeking behavior that’s highlighted here obviously had an influence on Ms. Cyrus. If this was true, then I’m not shocked.

How come every time you come around
My London London Bridge want to go down
Like London London London wanna go down
Like London London London be going down like

My goodness, this shit is repetitive. What does this even mean? Does her pants just magically fall off every time some guy gets near her? Are you that easily aroused? I don’t want to do any slut-shaming, but you’re not making this easy when you’re throwing your cooch around like hot potatoes.

The drinks start pouring
And my speech start slurring
Everybody start looking real good (Oh, shit)

Drinking until your liver decides to commit seppuku: because YOLOOOOO!!

The Grey Goose got your girl feeling loose
Now I’m wishing that I didn’t wear these shoes (I hate heels)
It’s like every time I get up on the dude
Paparazzi put my business in the news
And I’m like get up out my face (oh, shit)
‘fore I turn around and spray your ass with mace (oh, shit)
My lips make you wanna have a taste (oh, shit)
You got that? I got the bass (Uh)

Attacking the paparazzi. Classy. You and Kanye Kardashian would be good friends.

Ah, da, da, da, da, doo, doo, doo, doo

Filler, Filler, FIL-LER. Filler, Filler, FIL-LER. Filler, Filler, FIL-LER.

Me like a bullet type, you know they comin’ right
Fergie love em’ long time
My girls support right?

So you like a guy who’s fast in bed. I’m pretty sure most women aren’t into premature ejaculators. FAIL.

Ah, da, da, da, da, doo, doo, doo, doo
Doo, doo, doo, doo
Ah, da, da, da, da, doo, doo, doo, doo

Filler: when you can’t think of any more lyrics to write.

Another A.T.L.
Cali collabo
Fergie and Polo

Another random shout-out and name drop. Who cares? We get a repeat of the first verse and the chorus along with this lovely outro.

Shittin’ all over the world
Fuck you bitches!

Way to end your song by making yourself even more unlikable than before.

This song is a dead end bridge to suck. It’s amazing that this piece of shit was actually a number one hit. It’s cliched, the lyrics are badly written and badly structured, the production is bleh, the hook is irritating, and Fergie’s overall performance is just terrible. It’s obnoxious female luxury rap at its worst. We’ve heard these type of songs before and this doesn’t add anything new. It’s just another addition to the pile. There hasn’t been a good female rapper in the mainstream since Missy Elliott and looking at music today, I don’t think there ever will be one. Did I forget to mention that the song title and hook are based on a nursery rhyme? Let that sink in. There’s only one way to appropriately end this:

London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down, London Bridge is falling down, this song sucks dick.

Peace!!

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