Can’t believe we’re nearly halfway into the 2010s decade. Time really does fly by quick. One thing that can be agreed on is that the quality of music in a given year is always gonna be the same. There’s always gonna be the good, the bad, and the average. Now before we begin, let me address this; when I do these lists, I always go by Billboard’s year-end charts because even though I don’t believe those charts represent an entire year in music accurately, they do represent the music that was popular at the time. Now that we got that out the way, let’s celebrate 2014 by looking at the audio epic failures that have plagued the airwaves and the Internet.
But first, let’s go through some dishonorable mentions.
- Jessie J, Ariana Grande, & Nicki Minaj-Bang Bang
- Florida Georgia Line ft Luke Bryan-This Is How We Roll
- 5 Seconds Of Summer-She Looks So Perfect
- Echosmith-Cool Kids
- Miley Cyrus-Adore You
- Beyonce-Drunk In Love ft Jay Z/Partition
- Jason Derulo-Trumpets
- Lee Brice-I Don’t Dance
- Rixton-Me & My Broken Heart
- Jason Aldean-Burnin’ It Down
Now onto the list itself.
For this spot, I was having a hard time deciding whether to choose this or Bang Bang, but I immediately went with the song I hated the most and I hate the living shit out this song. Nothing in this song works together. The beat is a weak DJ Mustard ripoff with no energy, Iggy’s raps and lyrics are a bunch of shallow bragging and average-at-best punchlines made worse by the fake Southern accent, and Charli XCX is fucking horrible. This diet Gwen Stefani’s screeching vocals are irritatingly bad to the ears, she’s basically the female pop Meek Mill. Also, for a song called Fancy, nothing in this song indicates any fanciness. They’re talking about trashing hotels and going to parties to get drunk. Because nothing says fancy like acting like a little punk kid mad at their parents because they didn’t give them a Playstation 4 for Christmas or being some skank who regularly goes clubbing and ends up stupid inebriated and winds up in a gang bang (and I’m not talking about actual gangs). Yeah, that’s being fancy. Class? Dignity? Sophistication? Fuck all that. Just commit vandalism in a hotel and go get fucked up. Ugh. I fucking hate this song.
A staple amongst 2010s music is either reggae or cod-reggae and in 2014, the big hit from the genre was Rude by Canadian band MAGIC!. Why did I ever liked this song? It’s awful. The instrumentation is sterile and limp, it’s the barebones basic in reggae production. The lead singer is whiny as all hell, which perfectly fits the lyrics. The song is about a guy going up to his girlfriend’s dad and asking for his blessing to marry his daughter. The father says no and the singer throws a hissy fit, asking why he’s rude. And he does this multiple times. Dude, you’re being the rude one since the father gave you a simple, calm answer and you just lashed out at him. Stones in glass houses, much? Yeah, this song can screw off with its crybaby logic.
This is the year that Katy Perry got worse than she ever was. She released what might be one of the worst songs she has ever done in This Is How We Do, but her big hit in 2014 was Dark Horse, which is a huge clusterfuck of a song. The beat is simplistically horrible with an annoying synth loop and simple trap drums, plus, it has an unsettling darkness that doesn’t make it a fun listen. Katy’s vocals are just dull. The song title and lyrics make no fucking sense. A dark horse is an underachiever, something that Katy Perry is not considering her accomplishments. There’s a lot of magic references which doesn’t help the song at all, it just confuses it even more. Juicy J shows up with a wack verse that is completely pointless and has even dumber lyrics. There’s nothing else to say about this song, it just plain sucks.
This was the point where I stopped being a Maroon 5 fan altogether. Maps is a bad song, but I don’t hate it as much as other people. Animals, however, is a piece of shit. The production is meh. The lyrics are just creepy as Adam Levine is singing about hunting a girl down and cannibalisticly feasting on her like an animal. When a song uses an animals metaphors, it’s usually about crazy rough sex, not cannibalism. Even if that’s not the case and I’m just reading too much into the lyrics, it also sounds like rape. Either way, these lyrics make Adam look like a deranged stalker on a mission to do something horrible to a woman and it’s not helped by his ear-piercing falsetto. This song is not sexy or romantic, it is disturbing, it’s creepy, it sounds like something straight out of a horror movie. I don’t know about you, but anytime I hear this song, this is all I picture.
What do songs like My Nigga, Show Me, Na Na, 2 On, Don’t Tell Em, and No Mediocre have in common? They’re all produced by the same asshole, DJ Mustard. I had to group all of these songs into one spot, otherwise, this entire list (plus dishonorable mentions) would be 10 DJ Mustard songs. This shit got old real quick, people. All of these songs, plus more, sound the same. I’m not kidding. Play these songs in a loop and tell me they don’t sound the same. Dude is one of the worst producers ever, copy and pasting the same formulaic beats for every song. Here’s the formula for a DJ Mustard beat:
- audio watermark (Mustard on the beat, hoe)
- simplistic 3 or 4-note bass/synth/piano/xylophone/any instrument loop
- minimal 808 drums
- gang vocals
There. That’s all you need to recreate a DJ Mustard beat. It’s so simple, an amateur can do it and they already have. I’ve heard a bunch of songs including Fancy and Loyal that ripped off this formula. And it’s not like Mustard’s production is all that original as it constantly rips off the hyphy/crunk/snap sound. This roll of lard is obviously competing with Mike Will Made-It for the title of worst producer since Bangladesh and JR Rotem. Every one or two years, there’s always that one terrible producer who a lot of artists go to for club/radio songs. Couple of years ago, it was Lex Luger. Last year, it was Mike Will Made-It. This year, it’s Mr. Condiments himself. God help us for the next terrible producer who gets popular next year.
Oh, boy. This song has so many problems, I don’t even know if I’m able to address them all. In case you’re wondering, I’m including all three versions of this song. So there. Loyal has a beat that rips off DJ Mustard’s sound. It is just terrible. It’s just a constant loop that repeats throughout the song and it is dull and lifeless without an ounce of energy. The song barely has any structure with a hook that sounds more like a verse than an actual hook and half-rapped, half-sung Auto-Tuned vocals from Chris Brown himself. The guest features all suck. The only one who’s close to decent is Lil Wayne (there’s something I never thought I would say) because of a few clever lines, but that’s it. These features, French Montana, Too $hort, Tyga, they don’t even help this song, they just make it worse by reducing it to another typical braggadocio record. But we haven’t even got to the worst aspect to this song: the lyrics. These are some of the most hateful, mean-spirited, and straight-up disgustingly misogynistic lyrics ever in a 2014 song. And they also contradict themselves a LOT and none of them even connect with each other. One second, Chris Brown is talking about “these hoes ain’t loyal,” and the next, he’s talking about stealing another man’s girl and then says he can make a broke girl rich, but he don’t mess with broke girls, and then he talks about taking a white girl with breast implants to the Bay Area to get drunk and high and then talks about being in a club with a black girl with a big butt and then, near the end of the song, he’s having a hard time with a girl he’s trying to get with. Are you starting to see the problem? This song has more subplots than The Amazing Spider-Man 2. And that was just Chris Brown. The fact that these jackasses are trying to steal another man’s girl while, at the same time, dissing women who are unfaithful makes them the biggest hypocrites in the world. Yes, there are shallow women who use their sexuality on men to gain money and material things. But when you’re the one tempting women with fancy stuff to leave their man and have sex with you, you’re no better, you fucking assholes. GOD, this song pisses me off so much!!
Talk Dirty is a terrible song with a good beat that was wasted. Wiggle is even worse than that. It is bad in every single way. The production is horrible, it’s just this simplistically minimal beat that sounds like it was made by some amateur on FL Studio. The hook is cringeworthy, the phrase “wiggle, wiggle, wiggle” get repeated alongside what sounds like a kid playing around with a recorder. In case you haven’t notice, this is another song about asses. The lyrics are ridiculous and disgusting. I literally want to barf at every lyric of this song. It’s not helped by Jason’s douchebaggery. Who the fuck says wiggle with a serious face? Are you 7 or something? People try to defend this song by saying it’s a joke, but that’s not a good excuse. Saying something is supposed to be a joke doesn’t justify it sucking. A joke only works if it’s funny and is song is not funny, so it fails at comedy. Also, Snoop Dogg is on this because he’ll work with anyone. I’m still baffled at this song’s success because it is a piece of SHIT. When songs like this achieve success, we are screwed. Jason Derulo, eat a dick.
See number five for a reason why I bunched these two together. I think it’s safe to say that in 2014, Vine rap has officially replaced ringtone rap. Hot Nigga and Lifestyle represent the worst in rap music, the songs made for 6-second videos with no effort or creativity put into them. Hot Nigga is one long-ass freestyle that should’ve stopped. In the beginning of the song, Bobby Schmurda rhymes nigga with nigga several times. “It’s a good thing nigga rhymes with nigga, otherwise, this rap shit would be hard.” The entire song is nothing more than brags about selling drugs and killing people, nothing outside the usual gangsta rap tropes. The song only became as famous and successful as it did because of the video where this idiot shakes his ass like he’s waiting on some prison inmate to give it to him. Lifestyle is the eptiome of rap at its worst with a limp dick beat and unbearable verses. Young Thug is fucking awful. He can’t rap or sing, he overuses Auto-Tune, and his voice is grating to the point of incoherence. He sounds like he was castrated by a hungry rabid pitbull. He sounds like the combination of Courage The Cowardly Dog and DoodleBob both on lean. There’s no way anybody likes this guy or his shit without any irony. Rich Homie Quan is on this because we all want to hear a guy who sounds like a clone of Future. *sigh* I’m still puzzled by these two songs getting big off of Vine and charting. Planet Earth, it was funny in the beginning, but the joke is over. Stop buying these repetitive noises from talentless amateurs and stop making them famous. Focus that attention to people with actual talent.
Congratulations, music industry. You just hit a new fucking low. This isn’t even the bottom of the barrel, this is going to the pits of Hell. That’s how low y’all motherfuckers went. This isn’t even music, it’s just noise; annoying, mind-destroying, ear-raping NOISE!! Mike WiLL Made-It is a talentless hack producer who’s known for making the same beats over and over again and puts annoying audio watermarks in the first 5 seconds of every song. Wiz Khalifa and Juicy J didn’t even try to have good verses. But what makes this song even more terrible is the Devil’s anus herself, Miley Cyrus. Yep, everyone’s favorite Rihanna impersonator is on this cancerous pile of elephant shit and guess what? She’s rapping. I weep for mankind.
I be in the club (the club) Standing on the couch (the couch) In them Wolf Greys (what) Like it’s my house (I’m home) Drinking out the bottle I got no respect (ay) Looking like a model, Who just got a check (change) I back it up, Cause I don’t give a fuck (I don’t) If you’re a lame, that’s a shame You can’t hang with us (uh-uh) I’m MC Hammer fly (fresh), You can’t touch (nope) J’s so fly I should work at Flight Club
Wow. Gucci Mane, Lil B, Kreayshawn, 2 Chainz, French Montana, Chief Keef, Soulja Boy, Plies, Waka Flocka Flame, Riff Raff, OJ Da Juiceman, Future, Birdman, and the goddamn Young Money crew are fucking POETS compared to this. Whoever allowed this bitch to rap this garbage deserves the worst ass-whooping in history. This is an insult to hip-hop, this is an insult to music, and this is especially an insult to Michael Jordan. He’s probably shaking his head in shame after hearing this wretchedness. And the fucked part is that it isn’t even number one.
And finally, the worst song of the year IS……..
Congratulations, Nicki Minaj. You managed to have the number one worst song of 2014 with what might be one of the worst things I have ever heard in the two decades of my life. Give her a round of applause, ladies and gentlemen.
Now, onto this song. Where do I begin? I know. Let’s start with the beat and how LAZY it is. It’s constructed around the sample of the ultimate ass anthem, Sir Mix-A-Lot’s Baby Got Back. Sampling is a huge part of hip-hop’s history. The goal is to take older records and flip them into something new and inventive. A lot of classic hip-hop records have ingenious samples that builds from the original sampled records and brings new life to them. Anaconda, however, is sampling done wrong. The producers didn’t even try to make something new or creative, they just looped different parts of Baby Got Back and added annoying sounds to it. Speaking of annoying, Nicki Minaj is at her worst here. Her voice is irritating to the point of wrist-slitting and her raps suck major anaconda. In just two short verses, she talks about having sex with drug dealers and convincing them to buy her material things. Worse part, some feminists are actually praising this song and think it’s empowering to all women and it’s taking back Baby Got Back for women. Because nothing says women empowerment like being dependant on a man (more specifically, a criminal) for your wants and needs. Whatever happened to the independent woman? I’m convinced that either these people were smoking mushrooms or they haven’t even listened to the lyrics of this song because Nicki just painted herself as a needy bimbo. Even worse, during the pointless rambling outro in the second half, she even stoops to skinny-shaming. Isn’t feminism about empowering other women, not bringing them down and tearing them apart? Where do you get feminism out of “fuck the skinny bitches?” These claims are only being made because there’s a woman in the front for a song mostly written and produced by men and these feminists feel the need to have every woman be a spokesperson for feminism, no matter the profession. Baby Got Back isn’t exactly a masterpiece, but it’s a fun party record that celebrates big butts and contains social commentary on society’s standards of beauty; Anaconda contains none of that. Everything I just said about the song also applies to the video, where Nicki once again reduces herself to eye candy to appeal to male eyes. The only reason the video got as many views as it did is because most of the viewers were dudes (most under 18) wanting to see some ass. I have no interest in the video; if I want to see porn, I’ll go to a porn website, not YouTube. Now that I’m done pissing off half the female population, my point stands that this song is an unlistenable mess and has nothing worth praising. It relies too much on tired shock value and sex appeal and is just a cheap rip-off of a well-known rap song from the 90s. Someone on Twitter told me that this song is worse than Stupid Hoe and thinking about it, I believe them. Nicki Minaj once again accomplished the impossible and made the worst song of her career. Anaconda is revolting in every sense of the word and I hope I never hear it again for as long as I live. Whoever thought that this song would be a good idea deserves to be dropped into a pool with an actual anaconda, butt-ass naked and lubricated in capybara blood (Google it) with a large dead rat shoved up their ass.
So that’s it. The worst that 2014 had to offer. This shit is draining me of any hope for 2015. Merry Christmas, everyone, and have a happy new year. Here’s my Best Songs list to end on a positive note.