Target Practice

Target Practice: Jessie J, Ariana Grande, & Nicki Minaj “Bang Bang”

Target Practice

Welcome to Target Practice where bad popular songs of the past and present get shot. Jessie J. You’re capable of much more. Even with the criticism of you being a Katy Perry clone, you’re a better singer than her and have some personality. Like I said before during my review of Sweet Talker, I liked Domino and Price Tag. They’re both enjoyable pop songs, I wish she would make more good songs. But my biggest problem with Jessie is her identity crisis as an artist. The two songs I mentioned, along with a couple of others, are the only songs from her that I like that are good. Half the time, it seems like she’s just throwing stuff at the wall to see what would stick and most of it doesn’t work, case in point, today’s Target Practice victim. I’ve been holding off of it for a while, waiting for a good opportunity. I don’t hate it as much as I originally did when I first talked about it, but I still can’t stand it and everything it represents. Here’s how I imagined this song was conjured up.

“Hello, gentlemen. What do we have today?”
“Well, we have this pop song here that we think will become a smash hit. We decided to give it to this Jessie J girl.”
“Who?”
“You know. The British chick who did that Domino song. The one who sounds like Katy Perry.”
“Oh. Well, that’s not good enough. If she’s gonna do the song, then we need to add a big name in there. Who are the kids listening to these days? What female singer can we add to this?”
“Let’s get Katy Perry involved.”
“Nah. They’re too alike. We don’t want to confuse people.”
“So what about Taylor Swift?”
“Nah.”
“Lady Gaga?”
“Nah.”
“Beyoncé?”
“Nah.”
“Ariana Grande?”
“YES. She’s perfect for the song. Now we need one more thing: a rapper. We need to draw in the urban audience so they don’t feel left out.”
“Lil Wayne?”
“No. We need a female.”
“Iggy Azalea.”
“Close.”
“Nicki Minaj.”
“BINGO!! Call their managers right now and get them to the studio immediately.”

This is Bang Bang.

She got a body like an hourglass
But I can give it to you all the time
She got a booty like a Cadillac
But I can send you into overdrive oh
You’ve been waiting for that
Stop, hold up, swing your bat
See anybody could be bad to you,
You need a good girl to blow your mind, yeah

So we star off with Jessie J, who says she can provide this nameless man better sex than some woman with curves and a big booty. It’s clear she’s overselling herself. The skinny bitch who thinks she’s better than the curvy chicks. I can’t get over some of these bad puns and lines. Booty like a Cadillac? Swing your bat? Blow your… ugh. This is the first part of the song and we’re already in six feet of stupid shit.

Bang bang into the room (I know you want it)
Bang bang all over you (I’ll let you have it)
Wait a minute let me take you there (ah)
Wait a minute ’til ya (ah)
Bang bang there goes your heart (I know you want it)
Back, back seat of my car (I’ll let you have it)
Wait a minute let me take you there (ah)
Wait a minute ’til ya (ah)

Bitch, what the hell are you talking about? Bang Bang all over you? Eww. If you haven’t noticed by now, this is yet another sex song. Or as I call it, a series of bad sex puns. Now to Ariana Grande.

She might have let you hold her hand in school
But I’mma show you how to graduate
No, I don’t need to hear you talk the talk
Just come and show me what your Momma gave (Oh yeah)
You’ve got a very big shh
Mouth but don’t say a thing
See anybody could be good to you,
You need a bad girl to blow your mind

Hold her hand in school? Show you how to graduate? Show me what your mama gave? What?! Who wrote this shit, a 12 year old? You know what? Don’t answer that. Also, shameless self-censoring and backtracking on what you really want to say. We all know what you’re talking about, Ari. You’re not that sneaky. Wait a sec. I just noticed something. Look at the last two lines from both this verse and Jessie’s. So, songwriters. You’re expecting me to believe that Jessie J, who made Do It Like A Dude (which is a piece of shit song), is the good girl while Ariana Grande, who looks and sounds like she’s barely in high school, is the bad girl. I’m sorry. There’s only so much I can take, so let me call it out.

BULL

SHIT

Let’s move on to our obligatory rap feature (because every pop song nowadays need one), Nicki Minaj. Yipee.

It’s Myx Moscato, it’s frizz in a bottle
It’s Nicki full throttle, it’s oh, oh
Swimming in the grotto, we winning in the lotto
We dipping in the pot of blue foam, so

Oh, look. Shameless product placement. Rappers never pass up a chance to whore themselves out to advertisements. Also, if I had a nickel for every time bottle, throttle, and lotto are used in a rhyme, I wouldn’t be doing this blog. Also, none of those words rhymed with blue foam.

Kitten so good, it’s dripping on wood
Get a ride in the engine that could, go

More boring sex puns. Next.

Batman robbin’ it, bang, bang, cockin’ it
Queen Nicki dominant, prominent
It’s me, Jessie, and Ari

I like to imagine that Nicki is Robin in this situation.

Nicki: *random gibberish disguised as rap* Batman: SHUT UP, BITCH!!

If they test me they sorry

OH SHIT

Uh-oh. Watch out, everyone. Somebody is acting all gangsta up in this bitch.

Ride us up like a Harley, then pull off in this Ferrari
If he hanging we banging

Yeah, yeah. We’ve heard this before.

Phone ranging, he slanging

Again, Nicki Minaj and her obsession with drug dealers. Seriously, girl. You’re a rich, famous rapper. Raise your standards.

It ain’t karaoke night but get the mic ’cause I’m singing

Somebody please keep the mic away from Nicki. I don’t even want to hear her speak.

B to the A to the N to the G to the uh
B to the A to the N to the G to the hey

Thank you for spelling out the title of the song for us. We would never figured it out for ourselves. Did I forget to mention that I hate this song? Because I do.

This song is an explosion of ear-raping stupid. It has gotten comparisons to Lady Marmalade (the Moulin Rouge version), which, thinking about it, is accurate in some ways. Both songs (alongside the original Labelle version) are about sex (fun fact: Lady Marmalade is about a prostitiute) and they both have female performers on them. But that’s where the similarities end. While both versions of Lady Marmalade weren’t really great songs to begin with, they both at least have amazing vocals and good production, something that can’t be said for Bang Bang. Along with the dumb lines and cliched sex puns, the vocals are irritating as both Jessie and Ari spend more time yelling than singing. Nicki Minaj’s verse was forgettable and completely pointless as it barely has anything to do with the rest of the song. These girls have no chemistry together, it feels like they were forced to do this song together by their labels. I bet they weren’t even in the same studio together. And then there’s the production. My God, the production is awful. The instrumentation is sloppy, loud, and horribly mixed, especially in the chorus where your ears get assaulted with an onslaught of loud vocals and instrumentation, which makes the listening experience a pain in the ass to get through. It’s just noise, a decibel-defying, unlistenable clusterfuck of noise and that’s why I will never like it. I’m disappointed in 2/3 of the artists involved in this shit and yes, I said 2/3 because one of them has disappointed me so many times with bad music that they are officially dead to me. Next Target Practice, I tackle another one of Taylor Swift’s break-up songs.

Peace!!

SONGS OF THE WEEK

Hot For Teacher-Van Halen

Doo-Wop (That Thing)-Lauryn Hill

Around The World-Daft Punk

One In A Million-Aaliyah

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