We are nearly halfway through 2015. That is 5 years we are talking about. This is probably the best time to reflect. Some people would say that the 2010s decade is the worst time for music, which isn’t exactly true as we got a lot of great records from this time; My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, 21, good kid m.A.A.d city, Random Access Memories, Run The Jewels 2, etc., are only a few examples of the many amazing albums that were released. But there’s always a yin to the yang and this list is not about good records. Let’s talk bad music and MY GOD, does the bad music of the past five years suck. It sucked ass. It sucked dick. It sucked balls. It sucked assdickballs. No originality, no effort, abuse of Auto-Tune or similar vocal effects, lazy songwriting, sterile production, boring ballads, boring club/party songs, pointless features, watered-down EDM, Vine rap. These are part of the reason why 2010s music is getting a bad rep. Before we get started, a couple of ground rules; in order for a song to make this list, it has to been released between 2010 and 2014 and it has to have charted on the Hot 100, the peak position doesn’t matter. Also, I’ve expanded the list from ten to fifteen because there is so many contenders that doing ten wouldn’t do it justice. Now that we got that out the way, let us dive into the Circles of Hell to look at the worst music of the past five years.
Don’t you just love it when country artists try to pander to the hip-hop crowd? No. You don’t. Nobody does. Unfortunately, that’s what we got with bro-country and the most dominant act of this sub-genre of country music is Florida Georgia Line with the remix to their hit single Cruise. This is pathetic. The production is over-processed and has little to no country instruments, the vocal effects drown out the vocals, lyrically, this song is about a guy trying to pick up a hot chick, and Nelly shows up to add nothing of importance. This isn’t even a country song anymore, it’s a pop-rap song with the only thing country about it is the singers. It’s like the label wanted something that can impact the pop charts and they did it by remixing a shitty country song from a bunch of new hicks and teamed them up with a rapper who hasn’t had a hit in 5 years, whose career highlight was rapping with the Honey Nut Cheerios bee. And this is the result of that. Ugh.
Oh, Miley. How did it come to this? How did you go from Hannah Montana to a Rihanna wannabe? This was Miley’s newest single when she crafted her fake ratchet white girl image, We Can’t Stop and boy, did I wished that they stopped. For a supposed party song, this is depressing as hell. The suicide rate had increased thanks to this shit. The production from Mike Will Made-It is slow and dreary, which is the exact opposite of a good party. Miley’s vocals are monotonous and drenched in Auto-Tune, which makes her sound detached from the lyrics, which aren’t that good, either. It’s just your typical “we can do whatever we want and we’ll party all night” clichés. My main problem with Miley is the same problem I have with Justin Bieber; she tries WAY too hard to be cool and she ends up looking like an even lamer white girl than she already is. This is not a good song for any occasion.
Katy Perry’s music has never been that good, but she reached a new low with this. This is just awful. The production is a hot mess, being a bunch of 80s-sounding synths and percussion clashing with a bunch of annoying sounds. Katy’s performance is that of someone who isn’t even trying anymore. The concept of this song is the same as Waking Up In Vegas and Last Friday Night: being a reckless moron. The lyrics are horribly phoned-in, one facepalm-worthy moment is the Japanese-y line. What? She’s basically pandering to brain-dead idiots whose weeks comprise of emptying their bank accounts at the club while getting evicted from their apartments because they didn’t pay their rent for two months. At this point, this is sad to witness. It’s clear that Katy Perry is going through a mid-life crisis. Also, the less said about the Riff Raff remix, the better.
Lil Wayne has been on a steady downfall for a while and this song proves it. Every cliché surrounding his music is on here; doing drugs, oral sex, having lots of money, threatening violence, etc. The only thing he didn’t do was rhyme nigga with nigga. For a song called Love Me, there is nothing to love about it. This is a series of unappealing acts of hedonism and posturing bravado. Mike Will Made-It doesn’t help matters with his slow, dark production and neither does Future or Drake, who both sound depressed. It seems like nobody cared about anything while recording this song, especially Wayne, who knows that people will buy anything he’ll put out, no matter how shitty it is, which is why he isn’t even putting in any effort into his music anymore. I already reviewed this POS in a Target Practice, so check that out for more of why Love Me is shit.
You ever hear a song that makes you want to vomit by just the thought of it? For me, this is one of those songs. “Blow my whistle, baby” is obviously about blowjobs. This is as subtle as a steel sledgehammer to the balls. Listening to this song is like letting Flo-Rida stick his dick into your ears and skull-fuck the shit out of you. How do you get away with this and get a number one hit out of it? The world may never know. Flo-Rida brings no personality outside of being a horny pervert. Production-wise, it’s mostly simple acoustic guitar and dubstep drums and bass. There’s not much to say about the verses as they’re nothing more than nonsense. Andspeedingupyourcadencedoesntmakeupfornotsayinganything. Of all of the shitty songs that Flo-Rida has put out, this one is the worst out of all of them. Flo-Rida, go away.
Ah, yes. The ever-so detested Chris Brown. What’s there really to say about this guy that hasn’t been said? He’s a piece of shit human being and it reflects on his music. Loyal is a song written by a bunch of bitter, angry douchebags who cry like babies when they don’t get what they want. The beat is a dreary DJ Mustard reject and the lyrics are VERY contradictory. They bash women who aren’t loyal and yet, they talk about stealing another man’s girlfriend. Where’s the logic in that, Spock? Where’s the logic? Chris, you can’t criticize shallow women who’ll cheat on their boyfriends when YOU are the one tempting women who already have boyfriends to cheat on them with you. All you’re doing is enabling this horrible behavior you bash others for to continue and that makes you look like a big, fat hypocrite. The featured rappers don’t help things either as they just brag about themselves and how awesome their life is WHILE stealing someone’s girlfriend. This song is hateful, mean-spirited, and has so many plot-holes that the whole song would collapse from the lack of structure.
THIS song. THIS fucking song is why we know about its producer, DJ Mustard. His simplistic, interchangable style is present here. The three note bass riff, the weak percussion, and the gang vocals. This beat is the same thing over and over again. Another thing repetitive about this song is the hook, which is just “rack city, bitch, rack rack city bitch” and this takes up 75% of the lyrics. That is just lazy songwriting. There’s nothing fun here as everything is monotonous. Tyga’s flow sounds like he’s bored, which means that the listener is also bored. His rapping isn’t that impressive as his verses are all of the typical mainstream rap tropes, plus the “got your grandma on my dick” line, which is… disgusting. I’m still baffled that this piece of shit qualifies as an actual party/club song because it is slow and boring. These type of songs shouldn’t put people to sleep, which is the reason why Rack City fails.
I want to believe that this is a joke because there is no way anyone would unironically make a song like this and release it to the public to be taken seriously and there’s no way anyone would like this without any irony. How terrible is this song? Just look at this guy. Do you expect anything good to come from this asshole? He looks like a bum that a label executive found outside and decided to craft a rapper out of by slapping gold jewelry on him and put a mic in front of him. This song is shit. The beat is so simple that anyone could recreate it on FL Studio. The topic is exactly what you expect from a song call All Gold Everything; all of your standard brag rap cliches. Trinidad James sucks as a rapper, rhyming words with themselves, rhyming words that doesn’t rhyme, and spitting lyrics so simple that 6 year olds could come up with something more complex. This dude is a joke. He basically paved the way for Vine rap. One good thing we can get out of this is that Trinidad James is no longer relevant, which I think should send a message to the Bobby Schmurdas of the world. Your career will be cut shorter than a porn star’s pubic hairs if your career highlight is a dumb novelty song that blew up virally. You will never be taken seriously and will be thrown in the same trash bin as Soulja Boy.
Thinking about it, a lot of club and EDM songs from 2010 to 2012 sucked hard. The production of these type of songs aged horribly throughout time. Turn Me On is one of those songs. Only one question pops up in my mind when it comes to this song; WHY? Just… why? David Guetta was never that impressive as a producer/DJ and this song doesn’t help. The beat is so overproduced and clunky that it becomes unlistenable. It’s like Guetta just looped a bunch of annoying sounds together, one of those annoying sounds being Nicki Minaj, who is singing with so much Auto-Tune that would make Future jealous. Her voice is so over-proccessed and Auto-Tuned that at certain points, it doesn’t even sound like her. She sounds like an annoying cartoon robot. This was released in the same year as Roman Reloaded and it fits in perfectly with the rest of the songs off that shitty album, plus the number of terrible EDM songs that were out at the time. Anyways, this club filler is one big clusterfuck and is more of a turn off than a turn on.
At this point of the list, we’re going much deeper into the Circles of Hell, which means the songs will only get worse and worse as they’re completely detached from humanity and decency. This is one of those songs. I have some unpopular opinions when it comes to certain artists and songs and I will stand besides all of them. So I have no regrets in saying Ke$ha sucks and this song proves it. Everything about it is a mess of epic proportions. The beat is sloppy and choppy, the lyrics are horrifically simple and disgusting, Ke$ha is in full annoying white girl mode (made worse by the Auto-Tune), and 3OH!3 are in full white frat douchebag mode. I have heard the defense that Ke$ha’s music is a parody of modern pop music which isn’t a good defense at all. Parody can suck, too. Just look at those awful spoof movies like Epic Movie, Date Movie, and Disaster Movie. They’re all good examples of parody done wrong. In order for parody to work, it has to not only satirize a certain topic by doing an over-the-top version, but it has to say something about the flaws of that topic and be funny, too. There’s no satire in this song and none of it is funny, she’s just making lazy pop music on purpose. Mark Grondin, I know Ke$ha’s your girl, but even you have to admit that this is shit. Blah Blah Blah is such an appropriate title for this noise filler because that’s all I hear.
Here it is, ladies and gentlemen. The worst of Vine rap. Provided by supposedly Rich Gang, but really, this is just Young Thug and Rich Homie Quan. Let’s talk Young Thug, who is the worst rapper to have ever blown up in the last five years. This guy makes 2 Chainz look like Nas. He can’t rap, he can’t sing, he has no musical talents. This guy is a walking troll, trolling us with bad music like this. The beat is simple and boring as shit. Young Thug doesn’t show off any talent here. Half the time, you can barely understand him because his voice is so grating and when you do understand him, his lyrics are terrible. Why people get behind him is a mystery that Sherlock Holmes couldn’t solve and the pretentious, rap-hating hipsters that jerk this dude off with their praises aren’t helping. Rich Homie Quan is forgettable, there is nothing he says that’s even worth mentioning. Oh, and Birdman is on the outro, rambling like he’s in Scarface. It’s completely pointless and brings the song down more. How people like this crap without irony, I’ll never know. All I know is that Lifestyle is nothing but a piece of shit.
Rihanna and Chris Brown on a song together 3 years after the incident. This really happened, people, and it is as bad you expected it to be. This is another song whose existence makes me ask why. If there was an audio personification of ugliness, it would be this song. The beat is an atrocious mess. It’s like a migraine in musical form. After listening to it, you’re left with a massive headache. Being a song named after birthdays, Birthday Cake is about oral sex and it is done in the most unappealing way. Easily one of Rihanna’s worst performances. Even worse than that is the presence of Chris Brown, who just made this song creepy. You look at his lyrics and it sounds like he’s ready for round two of turning Rihanna’s face into hamburger meat. How sexy. These two should never collaborate on a song ever again, especially if the end result is turds like this.
Nicki Minaj. What’s there really to say about Nicki Minaj? She basically went from someone with potential to someone making some of the worst music ever made. There’s not a lot of songs that gets on my nerves more than Anaconda, which basically dethroned Stupid Hoe for the worst Nicki Minaj song ever. The beat lazily samples Baby got Back and does nothing with it besides play random parts of the song. This essentially sounds like a poorly done Baby Got Back remix. Nicki Minaj is at her worst, rapping in an annoying voice about fucking criminals who buy her things in two short verses. To think that there are people out there who think this is pro-feminist. I just like to assume that these people were trolling and just wanted to create clickbait. There is nothing pro-feminist about Anaconda. This is a song where a woman is basically objectifying herself and alienating all skinny people (including her fans) with saying “fuck the skinny bitches.” The “hook” of the song relies on Sir Mix-A-Lot’s hit single and rapes you in the ears with a clusterfuck of noise. You’d think that this would be the end of it, but no. This song is about 4 minutes long and half of it consists of the outro, where Nicki rambles about nonsense. Either the engineer fell asleep while mixing and mastering or this is an endurance test to see how patient the listener is. It’s like Nicki wants me to hate this song so bad. Well, she accomplished that very well while losing all of my respect for her.
It’s very rare that you get a song with a title that perfectly describes it. This shit is infamous in its badness. Most of this song is Big Sean repeating the word ass multiple times, all of this done over one of the worst beats ever made. The production is nothing more than repetitive percussion and samples. Just like Anaconda, this shit was made to test the patience of the listener to see how much noise they can tolerate. This is a musical torture device, used by the CIA for interrogation. They put earplugs into suspects’ ears, hook up the iPod, and play this, alongside Stupid Hoe, My Humps, and Barbie Girl, in a loop. Lyrically, it’s what you expect from a modern rap song, bragging about being rich and having sex with strippers. Nothing in the verses stand out, it’s just filler until the hook comes back. Don’t even get me started on the Nicki Minaj remix because I would be here all day discussing everything wrong with it. I will never forgive Big Sean for this piece of elephant dung. And to think there is only one song that’s worse. Prepare yourselves, people. This is going to get ugly.
Before we get to number one, here are some dishonorable mentions.
- Cher Lloyd-Swagger Jagger/Want U Back
- will.i.am ft Britney Spears-Scream & Shout
- Beyoncé ft Jay Z-Drunk In Love
- Usher ft will.i.am-OMG
- Wiz Khalifa-We Dem Boyz
- Jason Derulo ft Snoop Dogg-Wiggle
- Far East Movement ft The Cataracs & Dev-Like A G6
- ILOVEMAKONNEN ft Drake-Tuesday
- Taylor Swift-22
- Rae Sremmurd-No Flex Zone/No Type
- Luke Bryan-That’s My Kind Of Night
- Drake-Started From The Bottom
- Maroon 5-Animals
- Sean Kingston ft Justin Bieber-Eenie Meenie
- anything from the New Boyz
And finally, the worst song of the decade so far IS…..
Do you remember the days when producers didn’t try to share the same spotlight as the artists and stayed behind the scenes where they belong? Well, those days are over and now producers are fame-whoring themselves harder than a Kardashian, adding annoying and unnecessary audio watermarks on everything they produced, trying to make sure that people know who produced the songs. You didn’t see Quincy Jones, George Martin, or Rick Rubin doing this crap. Hell, even Max Martin and Dr. Luke knew their place, but not P. Diddy, JR Rotem, DJ Mustard, and Mike Will Made-It, who now holds the title of worst song of the 2010s decade so far, 23. Jesus cock-sucking, ball-licking Christ, this song is FUCKING HORRIBLE!! Let’s start with the beat, this godawful beat. Mike Will’s production style is usually not the best kind of music for club/party music, too slow and dark. This song is exactly that, with annoying synths and uninteresting generic percussion. 23 also answers a question that no one asked; what would happen if a producer got two mediocre black rappers and a talentless white pop singer on a song together? Well, we all know the answer to that question. There’s not much to say about Wiz Khalifa and Juicy J’s verses. They’re your standard brag rap. Even with the terrible beat and forgettable rappers, that would just make this song generic. But what pushes it from generic to the worst song of the past 5 years can be summed up with three words: Miley Cyrus rapping. My God, she is a horrible rapper. Her flow is that of someone who just discovered rap for the first time and thinks they can do it themselves and her lyrics are simplistic to the point of insult. It’s all made worse by the faux-ratchet image she pushes. You know? I’ve seen people give a lot of shit to rappers like Eminem and Macklemore and accuse them of appropriating black culture for white people. Look. Eminem and Macklemore are not appropriating black culture. They both have a real love of hip-hop and they talk about their actual lives in their music, which actually has a message (say what you want about Eminem’s message, but it’s a message at least). Miley, on the other hand, is a white girl trying to be black and doesn’t give a shit about hip-hop. I will gladly stand behind any criticism of her appropriating black culture for white people. She has no business rapping at all. Stick to swinging on wrecking balls naked, bitch. Because of Miley, this song went from a generic rap song to audio genocide. This is where the lowest common denominator exists, where everything good and decent in the world dies a slow, painful death. To everyone involved with recording, distributing, promoting, and purchasing of this song, you can all go fuck yourselves.
So that was the list. The worst music of the current decade so far. All of these songs, plus more, are the current, more updated soundtrack to my personal Hell. Congratulations, you fucking assholes. Quick announcement before I sign off: I am going to do more Worst Songs Lists based off the 1990s. Individual lists will be made for the years 1990 through 1999 and I will wrap things up with a Worst Songs Of The 1990s list. This task will require me to listen to EVERY song from the Year End Hot 100 list of those years. That’s about 1000 songs to get through, which will take a lot of time. I will keep you updated on everything via Twitter. That’s all I have for now. There won’t be any new posts next week as I will be going to the movies to see Avengers: Age Of Ultron. Hey, I have a life, too. But don’t worry. The week after, I’ll post up a new Random WTF Lyrics and a new Target Practice.
SONGS OF THE WEEK
Twinz (Deep Cover 98)-Big Pun ft Fat Joe
Touch The Sky-Kanye West ft Lupe Fiasco
Rocket Man-Elton John
O-o-h Child-The Five Stairsteps (can you tell that I watch Guardians Of The Galaxy a lot?)
Tainted Love-Soft Cell
Notorious Thugs-Notorious B.I.G.