Welcome back to a new Top 40 Review where I give my opinions on the Billboard Hot 100’s Top 40. The charts are now filled with mostly mediocrity (as you’ll eventually see), which isn’t helping my faith in modern pop music. I’m just hoping things will get better eventually, but I’m not counting on it. Let’s get started.
#40. Sippin’ On Fire-Florida Georgia Line: Oh, hi, Florida Georgia Line. I didn’t expect to see you here. Well at least I know that whenever these two hicks are around, I can expect another mediocre bro-country song and boy, did they deliver. There’s really not much to say about this song that can’t be said about other bro-country songs; polished production, uses of Auto-Tune, lyrics about the typical country topics, et cetera, et cetera. It’s not the worst song generated from bro-country, but it’s not good either. Nothing about it stands out, so I’ll give it a D.
#39. Ayo-Chris Brown & Tyga: F
#38. Take Me To Church-Hozier: A
#37. Truffle Butter-Nicki Minaj ft Drake & Lil Wayne: D
#36. Throw Sum Mo-Rae Sremmurd ft Nicki Minaj & Young Thug: F
#35. Shake It Off-Taylor Swift: F
#34. Budapest-George Ezra: In terms of folksy alt-rock, this song from British singer-songwriter George Ezra is a damn good one. The lyrics are pretty decent, the production is perfect, and George’s performance is excellent. His voice has a real grit that fits this type of song. This is definitely something I have no problem going back to listening to. I give it an A.
#33. Watch Me-Silento: You wanna know something sad? I genuinely believe that 2015 is one of the better years for hip-hop and that’s only because of the albums released. Lupe Fiasco, Joey Bada$$, Kendrick Lamar, Ludacris, Action Bronson, Yelawolf, etc., released good to great albums. These people alone made 2015 hip-hop better. Yet you wouldn’t know that this year was good for hip-hop if you look at the singles. Instead of songs like Wet Dreamz and King Kunta being in the Top 40, we get THIS bullshit instead. Seriously, America, What the fuck? This song is called Watch Me and it is the most recent addition to the subgenre of rap music called nu-crunk (thank you, Mark Grondin, for coining this term). This giant turd has a horribly-dated cheap beat and nonexistent, repetitive lyrics that reference the Stanky Leg and Crank Dat. Do people really want to relive the days of ringtone rap/snap, which are some of the worst days of rap music? And of course, it’s only charting because of Vine (seriously, fuck Vine). Watch Me is a horrendous piece of shit song that epitomizes everything wrong with hip-hop and rap music. In a prefect world, garbage like this would sink lower than the Titanic, but unfortunately, we do not live in a perfect world. This song gets a big fat F.
#32. Blessings-Big Sean ft Drake: D
#31. Time Of Our Lives-Pitbull ft Ne-Yo: B
#30. Take Your Time-Sam Hunt: F
#29. Pretty Girls-Britney Spears & Iggy Azalea: I have a couple of questions: is Britney Spears still relevant? Why is she still making music? And who WANTS to hear new Britney Spears music in 2015? She spent nearly 20 years making the same songs over and over. Britney shares the same spot as Madonna in the “nobody gives a fuck about you anymore in modern times” category. So, yeah. Pretty Girls blows chunks. It’s produced by the same people behind Fancy and you can easily tell. How lazy and uncreative do you have to be to rip off another shitty song? This crap is Fancy part three. Britney sounds inhuman as ever with the amount of effects on her voice. And she brought along everyone’s least favorite female white rapper Iggy Azalea for the ride (right when she was starting to lose relevance) to deliver yet another forgettable, mediocre verse. I’m not gonna even speak on the lyrics since it’s pointless (it’s a Britney Spears song, what did you expect?). This song has no purpose or reason to exist, it’s just an empty shell all around. I give it an F.
#28. Lay Me Down-Sam Smith: C
#27. Slow Motion-Trey Songz: I already made it clear previously that I am not a Trey Songz fan. His voice irks me sometimes and he just seemed like a wannabe R. Kelly. To my surprise, this song isn’t that bad. Hell, I’ll even say that it’s good. It has a good slow beat and Trey’s vocals isn’t that grating. Lyrically, this is your typical sex song. My one complaint about this song is that the production sounds too similar to DJ Mustard’s production style with the gang vocals and percussion and I do not want to be reminded of DJ Mustard at all when listening to a song. Fortunately, that fat lard didn’t produce this beat, at least according to what I researched online. I’m not in a rush to listen to this song again, but I wouldn’t mind it if it came on. It’s at least better than Trey’s last Top 40 single. I give it a B.
#26. Blank Space-Taylor Swift: F
#25. Girl Crush-Little Big Town: So this song raised a lot of controversy in the world of country music because people though it was about lesbians. Radio stations were forced to pull this song off the air. Wow. Even in 2015, people are still bigoted about gay and lesbian people. And this happened two years after Same Love became a hit. Some things never change. Besides, this is obviously a case of lyrical misinterpretation as this song has nothing to do with lesbianism. Before I continue, let me just say that I think this song is amazing. It’s about a woman jealous of another woman who’s dating a man she wants to date. This could easily make the singer look like a total bitch, but the lyrics and the production creates a vibe that helps avoid that pitfall. This song handles the topic of jealousy MUCH better than Nick Jonas. So, yeah. Good song, the controversy around it was stupid, and it gets an A.
#24. Where Are U Now-Skrillex & Diplo ft Justin Bieber: Just when Justin Bieber was on his way out, he pops up in another Top 40 single. This time, with Skrillex and Diplo, who did an album together under the name Jack U. Weird combination along with a very suggestive name, but whatever. So how is this song? It’s not good. The production sounds like it’s trying to mix two different sounds together, but it ends up sounding like a clattered clusterfuck. Bieber comes in with a bland, forgettable performance. This whole song has no idea what it wants to be. Is it a slow ballad? Is it a party song? It can’t be either because it too weak sauce for both. This is a boring, boring mess, one that should’ve been sent to the Recycle/Trash bin. I give it an F.
#23. Bitch Better Have My Money-Rihanna: F
#22. You Know You Like It-DJ Snake & AlumaGeorge: It’s okay. That’s my only reaction to this song. It’s just… okay. The production is okay, the singer is okay, this whole song is just okay. Let me remind you that okay is not a bad thing, but it’s not a good thing, either. I expected a little more from a song that involves DJ Snake and what we got is something that is painfully average. I got nothing out of it. It gets a C.
#21. Worth It-Fifth Harmony ft Kid Ink: I have no paitence for girl groups. I’m not saying all of them are bad (look at TLC, who’s actually one of my favorite music acts of all time), but just like boy bands, a lot of them have never impressed me at all and are pretty much the same. Fifth Harmony is no exception. It seems like the labels were trying so hard to push this group to be the next Spice Girls or Pussycat Dolls, but they never truly blew up until this single, which is not a good song. This is a Talk Dirty ripoff (why is everyone tying to rip off that shitty song?), with a weak ass beat, underwritten lyrics, unimpressive vocal work, and the most bland, tacked-on rap feature courtesy of Kid Ink. Couldn’t they have worked with somebody with personality, charisma, or talent instead of somebody who is basically a blank slate? I can’t find one reason to like this crap. It gets an F. Sorry, Fifth Harmony fans.
#20. Chains-Nick Jonas: D
#19. One Last Time-Ariana Grande: D
#18. Honey, I’m Good-Andy Grammar: Huh. I did not expect to see a song like this on the charts, especially this up high. It is supremely corny, and yet, I like it. I’m not even joking. Something about this song just puts a smile on my face. The lyrics are corny, but hilarious, and the beat is decent with some obvious folk influences. Speaking of folk influence, that’s exactly how Andy Grammar sounds while singing. The folksy voice just adds to the charm of this song. This is a song I shouldn’t like because of its corniness, but it just draws me in and it gets better with every listen. I give it a B.
#17. Style-Taylor Swift: D
#16. Dear Future Husband-Meghan Trainor: D
#15. Talking Body-Tove Lo: B
#14. Post To Be-Omarion ft Chris Brown & Jhene Aiko: F
#13. Hey Mama-David Guetta ft Nicki Minaj & Afrojack: Hey, look. David Guetta is back on the charts. And he brought Nicki Minaj along for the ride. Again. My God, is this song a mess. The song starts off with a sample loop that gets annoying through time and then it goes into a dated-as-hell EDM breakdown. Then Nicki Minaj sings about being a housewife. Two things: one, her singing is terrible and unrecognizable, and two, I’m having a hard time believing Nicki as a housewife, considering that in all of her music, she always portrays herself as the dominant figure. You’re gonna have to try harder than that. I would have no problem with this if this was done by some other female artist other than Nicki. Regardless, I am not feeling this song at all. It had potential, but threw it all away. I give it a D.
#12. Somebody-Natalie La Rose ft Jeremih: F
#11. Nasty Freestyle-T-Wayne:
At this point, I no longer have the energy in me to be outraged by seeing a song like this chart this high. People are just going to keep making stupid shit popular and this is an example of that. Just like Watch Me, Nasty Freestyle is another nu-crunk song that was only popular because of the Internet. This beat is so simple, any amateur could re-create it. The rapping sucks big time, T-Wayne sounds like a wannabe T.I./Lil Wayne, ripping off their flow without doing anything new. The topic is your standard brag rap; once again, nothing new. This song is 2 minutes and 22 seconds long, yet listening to it feels like it’s been 22 minutes. Seriously, this new trend of nu-crunk needs to die already. This stinker gets an F.
#10. G.D.F.R.-Flo Rida ft Sage The Gemini & The Lookas: F
#9. Thinking Out Loud-Ed Sheeran: A
#8. Want To Want Me-Jason Derulo: D
#7. Love Me Like You Do-Ellie Goulding: C
#6. Sugar-Maroon 5: F
#5. Shut Up And Dance-Walk The Moon: A
#4. Uptown Funk-Mark Ronson ft Bruno Mars: A
#3. Earned It-The Weeknd: C
#2. Trap Queen-Fetty Wap: F
#1. See You Again-Wiz Khalifa ft Charlie Puth: A
Best New Entry
Honey, I’m Good, Budapest
Worst New Entry
Pretty Girls, Nasty Freestyle
So those were the Top 40 songs on the Billboard Hot 100 as of May 16, 2015. Stay tuned next month when I do another Top 40 Review. Next week, a new Random WTF Lyrics and a new Target Practice.
SONGS OF THE WEEK
Get Low-Dillon Francis & DJ Snake
Evil Woman-Electric Light Orchestra
Proteck Ya Neck-Wu-Tang Clan