Target Practice

Target Practice: Meghan Trainor “Dear Future Husband”

Target Practice

Welcome to Target Practice where bad popular songs of the past and present get shot. I was one of those people who initially warmed to Meghan Trainor when she released All About That Bass. I thought the song was a self-empowerment anthem about embracing what God gave you. Then I looked further into the lyrics like a lot of people and it revealed an ugly truth. It was skinny shaming and I’m not just talking about the “skinny bitches” line. The whole thing was “guys only like big girls, skinny girls are an abomination.” Her follow-up single, Lips Are Movin, wasn’t that much better as she’s bashing an ex ala Taylor Swift. Meghan Trainor’s music is just mean-spirited. Today’s Target Practice is her most recent single, Dear Future Husband.

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Dear future husband,
Here’s a few things
You’ll need to know if you wanna be
My one and only all my life

Okay, fellas. Grab a pen/pencil and a piece of paper and get ready to start writing. You’ll need to know this stuff if you want to be Meghan Trainor’s husband.

(Awwwww)
Take me on a date
I deserve it, babe
And don’t forget the flowers every anniversary
‘Cause if you’ll treat me right
I’ll be the perfect wife
Buying groceries
Buy-buying what you need

Hmm. That’s not too bad. Take her out on a date and get her flowers every anniversary. This is basic stuff. Do this and she’ll let you try out any sex position you want, even the ones she hates.

You got that 9 to 5
But, baby, so do I
So don’t be thinking I’ll be home and baking apple pies
I never learned to cook
But I can write a hook
Sing along with me
Sing-sing along with me (hey)

What is this, the 1950s? Whose idea of a marriage is a guy working hard while the wife is at home cooking pies? Though to be fair, any woman that doesn’t know how to cook is pretty much useless, am I right? *flameshields up as feminists attack*

You gotta know how to treat me like a lady
Even when I’m acting crazy
Tell me everything’s alright

That’s right, fellas. You gotta know how to treat her like a lady, even if she’s a blood-sucking, psychopathic succubus.

(Awwwww)
Dear future husband,
Here’s a few things you’ll need to know if you wanna be
My one and only all my life
Dear future husband,
If you wanna get that special lovin’
Tell me I’m beautiful each and every night

So in order to have sex with Meghan Trainor,  you have to tell her she’s beautiful every night? Wouldn’t that get redundant eventually?

husband: Hey, honey. You know what I’m in the mood for?

wife: Ah-ah. What are you supposed to say first?

husband: …… please?

wife: … really?

husband: What?

wife: You’re not gonna tell me that I’m beautiful?

husband: I tell you that every night and day. Can’t we just skip that part?

wife: *groans* I don’t believe you. Good night.

husband: Honey? …. honey?

wife: Don’t touch me.

 After every fight
Just apologize
And maybe then I’ll let you try and rock my body right
Even if I was wrong
[Laugh] You know I’m never wrong
Why disagree?
Why, why disagree?

So after every argument you both get into, Meghan demands that YOU apologize to her, even when she’s in the wrong (along with the delusion that she’s right all the time). Women, am I right, fellas? *extra-strength flameshields up*

Dear future husband,
Here’s a few things
You’ll need to know if you wanna be
My one and only all my life (hey, baby)
Dear future husband,
Make time for me
Don’t leave me lonely
And know we’ll never see your family more than mine

Look, I get it. You gotta make time for your girl, no matter what your schedule is, but this is crossing the line to possessive behavior. I understand that he has to make her happy, but you’re asking him to cut ties with his friends and family for you. Guys, if a woman makes you choose between her and your friends, get the fuck outta there.

I’ll be sleeping on the left side of the bed (hey)
Open doors for me and you might get some kisses
Don’t have a dirty mind
Just be a classy guy
Buy me a ring
Buy-buy me a ring, (babe)

Okay, opening the door for her is nice, but why can’t somebody have a dirty mind? Dirty minds are some of the most creative minds in the world. You want to restrict that creativity? Well, I’m ending this right here.

This song is a possessive, psychopathic bitch. Meghan’s mean-spiritness leaks through this entire track as she makes a list of demands for her future husband and expects him to be okay with them. Basically, she wants to run the marriage like a dictatorship where the guy gets no final saying in every decision made and he’s reduced to a whipped, neutered lapdog. That is not how a healthy relationship should work. Yes, the woman is the more important person in the relationship and should be satisfied, but that shouldn’t undermine the contributions of the man. A man has got to put his foot down sometimes. Well, outside of the lyrics and concept, there’s not much to say about everything else in the song. The production is the same doo-wop sound from every other Meghan Trainor song and her performance didn’t help matters. If Meghan Trainor wants to have a long-lasting career, then she needs to evolve as an artist and make better songs that aren’t mean-spirited. There’s only so long one can do the same trick over and over with success. Next Target Practice, we discover the answer to a question that mankind has been asking for several millennia; what does God see from a distance?

Peace!!

SONGS OF THE WEEK

Follow Your Arrow-Kacey Musgraves

Popular Song-Ariana Grande ft MIKA

King Of Wishful Thinking-Go West

Homegrown-Zac Brown Band

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One thought on “Target Practice: Meghan Trainor “Dear Future Husband”

  1. I always hated her songs. It was mostly the sound of her music, but now I hate it for the content.
    By the way, I noticed this song doesn’t say what she brings to the relationship. The only reference to her is the “rock my body every night” line. As a woman, I’m offended for both women and men. The line reeks of “men only see women as an object, and women should be okay with that.” It’s especially frustrating because she says she is not a 1950s housewife.
    Am I reading too much into this?

    Liked by 1 person

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