Welcome to Target Practice where bad popular songs of the past and present get shot. I was born in 1994, which makes me a 2000s kid. Now some of you are thinking, “wouldn’t that make you a 90s kid.” No. Here’s the thing. 90s kids are born in the 80s. I was mostly in diapers during the 90s, which makes me a 90s baby and a 2000s kid since I grew up on a lot of 2000s entertainment, along with some throwbacks. During the time that I was a kid, I didn’t have a music taste. Up until 8th grade, I was mostly listening to either whatever was on Radio Disney or whatever my parents and older siblings were listening to. Every once in a while, I would go back and listen to some of the music that I used to listen to as a kid and oh, boy. A lot of it has aged badly. But there were a couple of songs that still hold up today. Today’s Target Practice has been a huge part of my childhood. The big question is, how does it hold up? From the staple of soundtracks to kids’ films, Smash Mouth, this is All Star.
Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me
I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed
I wonder how that conversation went.
hobo: Hey, Steve Hardwell. The world is gonna roll you.
Steve: What do you mean, roll me? Like a bowling ball or a joint?
Steve: What are you talking about?
hobo: ALIENS ARE COMING FOR OUR BRAINS!! *gibberish*
She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb
In the shape of an “L” on her forehead
I don’t know who this unnamed woman is, but anyone would look dumb doing an L gesture on their head.
Well, the years start coming and they don’t stop coming
Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running
Didn’t make sense not to live for fun
Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb
No shit. That’s how time works. I don’t know what he means with that last line unless he’s talking about his junk.
So much to do, so much to see
So what’s wrong with taking the back streets?
You’ll never know if you don’t go
You’ll never shine if you don’t glow
In other words, you only live once, so party like it’s your last day to live and partake in anal sex.
Hey, now, you’re an All Star get your game on, go play
Hey, now, you’re a Rock Star get the show on, get paid
And all that glitters is gold
Only shooting stars break the mold
Basically, be a superstar game-changer. Don’t know if this applies to today’s social media age who rather take 400 selfies a day and make stupid, talentless people famous.
It’s a cool place and they say it gets colder
You’re bundled up now but wait ’til you get older
Wait. Is he trying to talk about how cruel the world can be? Huh. Well, he isn’t wrong.
But the meteor men beg to differ
Judging by the hole in the satellite picture
Meteor men? Is he talking about aliens? How do you go from talking about the harsh reality that is the real world to aliens? I wonder what they think of us.
alien: We have come across a planet called Earth. We are about to attempt search for intelligent life.
*spends an hour on the internet*
alien: No intelligent life-forms found. Our journey continues.
The ice we skate is getting pretty thin
The water’s getting warm so you might as well swim
If the water’s warm, then wouldn’t the ice melt?
My world’s on fire. How about yours?
That’s the way I like it and I’ll never get bored.
It’s been confirmed: Steve Hardwell is the Devil.
Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas
I need to get myself away from this place
Overreact much? All the dude wanted was some change for gas. Do you know how high gas prices are nowadays?
I said yep, what a concept
I could use a little fuel myself
And we could all use a little change
So because someone asked you for some gas money, you decided you wanted a change? In what? You have one of the weirdest mindsets out of any human being. I’m amazed I don’t make fun of this guy more often.
This song is… not that bad. Shocking, I know. This song’s biggest problem comes from the lyrics. They’re just a jumbled mess of half-cooked concepts that don’t connect to each other in any way nor flow well. And yet, I still like this song. I think it has to do with Steve Hardwell’s performance and the production, which is standard late-90s rock, but done well. Plus, the song is just memorable. The moment you hear it, it gets stuck into your brain and you’re left humming it afterwards. I’ve previously said that catchiness isn’t always a good thing, but it’s not always a bad thing, either. All Star is the ultimate nostalgic gem and I think it still holds up pretty well in spite of the lyrics. Some people are bound to disagree, but hey. That’s life for you. Next Target Practice, I review a song for the 100th post that I told myself that I would never review. And next week, the Worst Songs of 1993 list.
SONGS OF THE WEEK
Love Bites (So Do I)-Halestorm
Panic Switch-Silversun Pickups
Lay Me Down-The Dirty Heads
Definition Of A Rap Flow-R.A. The Rugged Man