1993 picks up where 1992 left off and continued its trends. Hip-hop and R&B remains the dominant genres of the pop charts. In the case for hip-hop, we started seeing more songs from rappers outside of the East Coast, from the West Coast G-funk to the South’s Miami bass. Rock music has already drifted into grunge and alternative. Overall, 1993 is another good year for music, but you wouldn’t know that by looking at these songs. Let’s start the list.
Oh, boy. This will be controversial. I know there’s a bunch of people out there who likes this song and cherish it forever. But to be honest, I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That) is problematic. Let me get the positives out the way. The instrumentation is interesting and Meat Loaf himself isn’t half-bad. But everything else in the song falls apart. This song is longer than Suge Knight’s criminal record, the single version clocking in at more than 5 minutes. The album version? 12 MINUTES!! Because of its runtime, the song sometimes drags like a crocodile with two broken hind legs. Now, let’s get into the lyrics and content. Meat Loaf never specifies the “that” which he won’t do for love. I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be ironic or not. Also, I’m not even sure what the tone of the song is supposed to be. One moment, it’s serious, and the next moment, it’s silly. The tonal whiplash makes it hard for me to enjoy this song and in the end, what I’m left with is a pile of nothing.
Oh, Disney. Why do you keep disappointing me everytime you do something good? Just like Beauty And The Beast, we got ourselves another watered-down adult contemporary version of a Disney classic, this time around, A Whole New World from Aladdin. You remember the wonder and joy from the original song when it’s combined with Aladdin and Jasmine flying on the magic carpet? Well, Disney saw that and said, “Fuck you.” and gave us this boring schlock. Peabo Bryson is brought in for this version along with Regina Belle and they’re both bland as hell. I always find myself close to falling asleep whenever I hear this song and the instrumentation doesn’t help matters. This sounds just like the AC version of Beauty And The Beast. People, listen to the original versions instead of these. They’re much more superior. Disney, get your shit together.
Nope. Mmm-mmm. Not buying this for a second. Here’s the thing. DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince are known as a family-friendly hip-hop group. They have songs like Parents Just Don’t Understand, Girls Ain’t Nothing But Trouble, and Summertime. This is music you could play around your parents and grandparents without any worries about profanity. And they were successful. But then around 1992, hip-hop has drastically changed to embrace a rougher hardcore sound. With the rise of gangsta rap, there was little room for this duo. So they made Boom! Shake The Room to fit in and it failed worse than the recent Fantastic Four reboot. This just doesn’t sound right. The production is just a mess of samples slapped together. Will Smith is trying too hard to be something he isn’t. He’s not a hardcore rapper, he’s the star of his own popular sitcom, for God’s sake. This song is stretching my suspension of disbelief to levels that both Mister Fantastic and Elastigirl can’t reach. It’s not even like the lyrics were that impressive because they’re not. Try again, Will.
Let’s talk TV for a moment, more specifically, Beverly Hills 90210. I didn’t like this show. It just wasn’t appealing to me. A bunch of dumb college white kids being dumb college white kids. Not my thing. Anyways, the show spawned a soundtrack, which consists of some of the most 90s-sounding music you would have ever heard. Jeremy Jordan’s The Right Kind Of Love is easily the worst song off that soundtrack. This is one of the most watered-down attempts at R&B ever made, with sterile production and weak ass singing from Jeremy himself. He sounds like a rejected boy band member. Hell, this song sounds like the worst boy band song ever made. Like someone took the worst aspects of a boy band and fused them with what white people think R&B sounds like. Plus, that pseudo-rap bridge is hilariously bad. Was that supposed to be sexy because it failed. The proto-Justin Bieber, ladies and gentlemen, complete with a lack of charm and good music-making abilities.
Oh, UB40. You just can’t stop sucking now, can’t you? Your covers blow harder than an aspiring model desperate for a job. This time around, UB40 decided to pull their pants down and take a massive shit on Elvis Presley’s Can’t Help Falling In Love. The production is more of that cheaply made faux-reggae that UB40 loves using. And it’s as interesting as watching grass grow. Ali Campbell’s nasal whining is at Jar Jar Binks level of irritation as he butchers the song that’s being covered. I never was an Elvis fan and I never liked the original Can’t Help Falling In Love, but he pulled that song off much better than this group with more fitting, subtle instrumentation and vocals. UB40 took this song and made it into another example of white people fucking up reggae. Speaking of that…
… we get this lovely one-hit wonder gem from Canadian rapper Snow. Informer is a song where he details the crimes he has previously committed (but unlike Vanilla Ice, Snow actually did serve jail time for assault). At least, that’s what I got looking up the meaning of the song on Google because I could barely understand a damn thing being said, the fact that he’s rapping fast makes it worse. It sounds like he took a combination of speed and cocaine and went to the booth. Snow is also rapping in the Jamaican Patois and it’s embarrassing. This is the epitome of white appropriation of black culture, more specifically, Jamaican culture. The beat is nice, though, since it’s produced by MC Shan, who contributes a forgettable guest verse. Oh, well. There’s couldn’t be any more obvious cases of white appropriation of black culture, is there?
When I hear people reminisce over old-school hip-hop, I like to assume that they aren’t talking about songs like this. I never liked I Got A Man by Positive K. I never did. My main problem with this song is the content. Basically, this dude is hitting on a woman and she tells him that she’s already in a relationship. But he doesn’t care and tries to convince her to leave her man and have sex with him instead. It’s clearly obvious that Positive K just wanted to get into this girl’s pants because he doesn’t do a good job trying to convince this chick why she should be with him instead of her man. Every fake promise he makes, she counters them with what her man does better. It’s not like the dude’s charming or anything, he’s just a horny dickface. And the song ends with what I think might be the most “realistic” conclusion in a rap song about picking up chicks, the dude gives up. Note that I use the term realistic loosely because a more realistic conclusion to this conversation would be either, A) she throws her drink at him, or B) she gives him a well-placed kick to the gonads.
Huh. Guess there is. You ever get the feeling that some people are trying way too hard? Because that’s what I got from this song. Joey Lawrence was a teen actor in the 90s who decided to do music and out of that decision came Nothin’ My Love Can’t Fix, which is horrifically cheesy as fuck. The production sounds dated as hell as it’s basically lightweight New Jack swing with a bunch of annoying sounds. Joey is not a good singer as he’s just phoning it in all the time. Oh, and there’s a rap at the end of it because it’s the 90s and no bad pop song is complete without one. It sucks, enough said. This is a vanity project at the most, him jerking off his own ego and getting splooge everywhere. Whenever actors try out a music career, there’s a VERY small chance that it succeeds. Sometimes, it’s best to just stick to what you do the best at.
Here’s a not-so controversial statement: Kenny G blows. Interpret that however way you want it. This dude, along with a couple others, gives smooth jazz and adult contemporary music a bad name, with his coma-inducing crap. Kenny G’s music is the kind you hear at a day spa. Forever In Love is an example of those snooze fests that he calls music. It’s an instrumental and a boring one at that. Instead of singing, Kenny loves tooting that saxophone and he isn’t even that great at it. And of course, he chooses the most bland AC instrumentation ever to make this song with. This is the music your parents put on to bore the shit out you so you can go to sleep when you’re all on the road. This is the music people think of when they hear the term elevator music. This is the type of music-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……
And now, here are some dishonorable mentions
- Tag Team-Whoomp (There It Is)
- Wreckx-N-Effect-Rump Shaker
- Exposé-I’ll Never Get Over You (Getting Over Me)
- 4 Non Blondes-What’s Up?
- Xscape-Just Kickin’ It
- Restless Heart-When She Cries
- Michael Bolton-To Love Somebody
- Dino-O-o-h Child
- Green Jelly-Three Little Pigs
- Taylor Dayne-Can’t Get Enough Of Your Love
And finally, the worst song of 1993 IS…………
Time for some more hip-hop history. There’s a subgenre of hip-hop music called Miami bass. Based out of Miami (duh), this subgenre was made popular by 2 Live Crew in the late 80s and it consists of loud, raunchy club songs made for women to shake their asses to. This music has not aged well through time and Dazzey Duks (pronounced Daisy Dukes; yes, they spelled it like that) by Duice is the worst of the bunch. Just guess what this song is about. If you said anything besides womens’ asses, then you are toying with me. These dudes are just 2 Live Crew wannabes. No rapping talent whatsoever. I really can’t stand the guy shouting on the chorus, especially. It’s like he’s doing a bad Luther Campbell impersonation. It’s like he thinks people can’t hear what he’s saying, so he just yells out everything. It gets irritating quick. This beat sounds like it was made in somebody’s mother’s basement that’s mostly percussion, samples, and a barely-audible melody. Look, I get it. This is a song made for parties and clubs and lyricism is not an important factor. But at least try to make up for that, which this song fails to do. It lacks anything close to good, it’s just shouting and noise. This is the soundtrack to the most ignorant, beat-up, ghetto neighborhoods in the South. Congratulations to Dazzey Duks for being the number one worst song of 1993. Ugh.
So those were the ten worst songs of 1993. Next month, BACK TO THE 90s continues with the Worst Songs of 1994 list.
SONGS OF THE WEEK
Didn’t I (Blow Your Mind This Time)-The Delfonics
There’s A Touch-The Proclaimers
Underneath It All-No Doubt ft Lady Saw
Lose My Mind-Brett Eldredge