Random WTF Lyrics

Random WTF Lyrics Christmas Special

image

Welcome to Random WTF Lyrics where I select random bad lyrics from random songs. It’s December, meaning Christmas is approaching. And with it, our ears will be assaulted nonstop by Christmas songs for an entire month. Carols, the classics, covers, shitty pop songs, etc. For this special edition, I decided to look at bad lyrics from Christmas songs. Because why not? Set up that tree, hang the mistletoe, pour some eggnog, and let’s get started.

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer-Elmo & Patsy

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walking home from our house Christmas Eve,
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grampa, we believe

That’s what makes the holidays, ladies and gentlemen, vehicular manslaughter and hit-and-run. Seriously, this is one of the most fucked up holiday songs ever and it raises so many questions. Why is Santa flying so low to where he could hit someone with his sleigh? Why didn’t he see Grandma in his way? Why isn’t he in jail for her murder? And most importantly, how in the Nine Realms of Asgard did this make it past the cutting board?

grandma: I have to go. I have to pick up my medication.

grandpa: Woman, it’s snowing outside. You’ll freeze to death.

grandma: Oh, shut it. I’ll be back in 5 minutes, you old coot.

*grandma walks outside, sounds of sleigh bells*

Santa: Ho-ho-HOLD UP!! PULL BACK!!

*crash*

Santa: Oh, boy. Let’s go, boys, before the police shows up.

*grandson runs outside with grandpa behind him*

grandson: Whoa. It’s Santa. Grandma? Are you okay? Grandma? Grandpa, Grandma’s not moving. Why isn’t she waking up?

grandpa: At last, I’m free. Now I can talk to those beautiful young ladies at the bar. THANK YOU, GOD!!

Baby, It’s Cold Outside-Frank Loesser

I really can’t stay
(But, baby, it’s cold outside)
I’ve got to go ‘way
(But, baby, it’s cold outside)
This evening has been
(Been hoping that you’d drop in)
So very nice
(I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice)

My mother will start to worry
(Beautiful what’s your hurry)
My father will be pacing the floor
(Listen to the fireplace roar)
So really I’d better scurry
(Beautiful, please don’t hurry)
Well, maybe just a half a drink more
(Put some records on while I pour)

Okay, so a woman is at some dude’s house and she wants to leave, but the dude doesn’t want her to go because it’s cold outside. I know I’m not the only one sensing some disturbing implications here.

The neighbors might think
(But, baby, it’s bad out there)
Say, what’s in this drink?
(No cabs to be had out there)
I wish I knew how
(Your eyes are like starlight now)
To break the spell
(I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell)

What’s in the drink? Oh, boy. This isn’t looking good. I think I have a good idea of who the identity of this guy might be.

*dramatic music*

Last Christmas-Wham!

Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away.

I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying, “I love you,”
I meant it

So you gave your own heart to some woman for Christmas, but then she gave it to someone else the next day. Not only that, but you gift-wrapped it with a note. Why am I picturing some guy ripping his own heart out, putting it in a box, and have to sent to his girl? How the hell are you even alive?

Santa Baby-Eartha Kitt

Santa baby, just slip a Sable under the tree for me;
Been an awful good girl, Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, a ’54 convertible too, light blue;
I’ll wait up for you, dear; Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight.

Think of all the fun I’ve missed;
Think of all the fellas that I haven’t kissed;
Next year I could be just as good… if you check off my Christmas list

I don’t know about you people, but with these lyrics combined with Eartha Kitt’s voice and the jazzy instrumentation, this sounds like a sex song.

Santa baby, I want a yacht and really that’s not a lot;
Been an angel all year; Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa honey, one little thing I really need…
The deed… to a platinum mine, Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with the duplex and checks;
Sign your ‘X’ on the line, Santa cutie,
and hurry down the chimney tonight.

Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but that’s the vibe I’m getting.

Come and trim my Christmas tree with some decorations bought at Tiffany’s;
I really do believe in you;
Let’s see if you believe in me…

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing… A ring…
I don’t mean on the phone; Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight

Hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry, tonight!

“Ho-ho-ho. You’ve been real naughty this year. Why don’t I slide your chimney? You can have my candy cane. Ho-ho-ho, yeah.”

Let It Snow-Dean Martin

Oh, the weather outside is frightful
But the fire is so delightful
And since we’ve no place to go
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

Man it doesn’t show signs of stoppin’
And I brought some corn for poppin’
The lights are turned way down low
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

Yes, God. Let it snow some more. Let it snow until the weight of the snow causes my house to collapse and kill everyone. If the crushing doesn’t kill us, then the freezing weather will.

I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas-Gayla Peevey

OWW, GOD!!

………………

My apologies, people. But I just got through listening to this song. Ugh, that voice is so irritating. Look, I know Gayla was 10 when she recorded this, but this is just unlistenable.

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
Don’t want a doll
No dinky tinker toy
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy

Really? You want a hippopotamus for Christmas? A fucking hippo? An overgrown 3 ton pig with teeth as long as a man’s forearm, who could eat your stupid booger-eating face with one chomp, and is responsible for more deaths each year in Africa than lions, leopards, and crocodiles combined? You might want to reconsider what you want for Christmas, kid.

Every genre of music has done Christmas songs, even hip-hop has gotten into the holidays. And oh, boy. A lot of Christmas rap songs are not that good. It’s not impossible to make a good Christmas rap song as Christmas In Hollis by Run-DMC proves (seriously, that song is awesome; check it out if you haven’t heard it). But for every Christmas In Hollis, there’s a It’s The Holidaze (yes, there is a song with this title from Westside Connection and it’s REALLY BAD) and…

Merry Muthafucking Xmas-Eazy E

Merry muthafuckin’ Chrismas and a ho ho ho!
While I’m ridin’ that cot under the missle toe
Now dashin’ through the snow
In a candy right top 6-4
Over the hills I go
Laughin’ at this hoe
Nuts on rich and rings
Makin’ me feel right
Oh what fun it is to know
That I’m gonna get this pussy tonight
So ring them bells, ring them bells
Shes takin’ it all the way
Oh what fun it is to watch her suck my dick this way
Hey ring them bells, ring them bells
Shes takin’ it all the way
Oh what fun it is to nut, while she’s suckin’ my dick
Oh yay!
Tis the season to get busy
Compton crime lick
And I’m smokin’ on this stick.

Yep. This is Eazy E doing his own version of a bunch of beloved Christmas songs like Jingle Bells, Deck The Halls, 12 Days of Christmas, and others. This is a disjointed mess of epic proportions. This is just an example of the horridness of that track; for more, see the whole thing for yourself here. All I can say as a black man is that this is just embarrassing.

Let’s talk Christmas albums. Usually, these albums consist of either covers or terrible original songs that no one wants to remember. Now there are exceptions, but Christmas albums as a whole are rarely good. This, of course, brings us to NSYNC, who made a Christmas album right after their debut album.

Under My Tree-NSYNC

Yes, this song is about Christmas boning. But that’s not why it’s here. It’s because of this line.

I’ll show you how good it could be.
I wish that Santa could be here to see

…….. You know? When I hear this line, all I can picture is Santa looking through the window, fondling his jingle bells while watching Justin Timberlake and some chick bang each other. That is not an image that I want in my head. Let’s just look at another NSYNC Christmas song.

I Never Knew The Meaning Of Christmas-NSYNC

Girl you made me finally see
That I never knew the meaning of Christmas
‘Till you came into my life

How the hell do you not know the meaning of Christmas? Were you living under a rock your entire life?

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus-Jimmy Boyd

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
She didn’t see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep;
She thought that I was tucked
Up in my bedroom fast asleep.
Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white;
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.

And then Daddy came home and caught Mommy kissing Santa Claus and… well, it got ugly.

Let’s just say it’s gonna take a whole day to clean up the blood stains from the living room.

So that was a special Random WTF Lyrics. Not even the holidays are safe.

Peace!!

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Random WTF Lyrics Christmas Special

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s