The description and explanation is the best part of music reviewing. There is such a thing, and you know it too, as a gift for judgment. If you have it, you can say anything you like. If you haven’t got it, you don’t know you haven’t got it.
ZZZZ…. *groans* Samuel L. Jackson? You’re wearing an eye patch. Does this mean I get to join the Avengers?
But I don’t want to do the list. There’s a billion of other things I’d rather do. Besides, I have a final to study for.
No, sir. I’ll get right to it.
*sighs* Son of a bitch. Let me get myself together first.
Okay, before we get to 2015 itself, I want to talk about the last five years first and get my overall thoughts out first. 2010 was shit. The club boom was still going strong, infesting the airwaves and rap was still in its low point from the mid-late 2000s that I would’ve called 2010 a pretty bad year for the genre if it weren’t for Kanye. 2011 was much better thanks to the club boom fading, rappers start putting effort into their music in spite of Young Money’s peak popularity, and Adele’s second album coming in and nuking the competition. 2012 continued the trend of things getting better with the indie scene making their presence known in spite of 2 Chainz, more Young Money, and the return of teen pop. 2013 is where things started going downhill with sleep-inducing ballads, viral sensations, bro-country, Mike Will Made-It, and Miley Cyrus, though the retro-trend made things easier. 2014 is so bad, it rivals 2010 in dumpster music with more viral sensations, bro-country, and DJ Mustard. Plus, the year was mostly uneventful in terms of music outside of Taylor Swift. Now that I got that out the way, let’s talk 2015. I have to say; things are actually getting better to the point where I can safely say that this year is better than 2014, 2013, and 2010, but I don’t know if I could say it’s better than 2012 and 2011. I’ll talk about the good parts of 2015 in the Best Songs List coming up, so let’s now focus on the bad. The viral sensations has gotten out of hand to the point where one music reviewer actually coined a new term. The hip-hop hits of 2015 have been mostly mediocre, which is a shame considering the best album this year came from a hip-hop artist. There’s only three hip-hop hit singles this year that I feel comfortable calling good. This was also the year of comebacks, some of them were good (Adele, Dr. Dre), others were bad (Justin Bieber). Country music? Well, when your big hits come from names like Sam Hunt and Thomas Rhett, you’re kinda slipping. Okay, I wasted enough time with this preamble. Time to get into this list proper.
For number 10, let’s start things off with the quote-on-quote “controversial” choice. Why I say that? Because this will most likely be the choice a bunch of people will disagree with, but I will stand beside it (and the Target Practice that I did on it) because this artist does not deserve the success and acclaim he got.
Look, people. I tried. I tried so hard to figure out the appeal of Fetty Wap. Outside of maybe so-bad-it’s-good, I got nothing. I must be living in Bizzaro World because this guy and his music just sucks. For this choice, I could’ve picked all of Fetty Wap’s songs and make a tie, but I went with only Trap Queen instead because it spawned 679, My Way, Again, and the entire Fetty Wap album, which are all the same shit (and are dishonorable mentions for this list). The production on Trap Queen is nothing that special. It’s the same thing we’ve heard a million times before with synths that sound ripped out of a video game. Lyrically, the song is your typical “thugs need love, too” shit that talks less about a woman and more about spending money, dealing drugs, and of course, having sex with your girlfriend. It’s not as romantic as some people paint it out to be. But let’s get into the main flaw with Trap Queen, Fetty Wap himself. There’s nothing to him besides having one eye and the fact that he can’t rap or sing for shit. Oh, and his voice is as aesthetically pleasing to the ears as having your nuts tied to a concrete block that’s been dropped from a ten-story building. He sounds like a walrus getting raped in the ass by a humpback whale with brain damage. Not even Auto-Tune could fix this audio abomination (hell, it didn’t work for most other rappers). Trap Queen has many problems, but there is one most people, myself included, have’t talked about, the outro. Who the fuck is that guy on the outro? Is he that Monty guy who keeps showing up on Fetty Wap’s songs? This shit doesn’t contribute anything to the song that helps it, it only exists to make this torture longer than it needs to. Urgh. Fuck this song until it’s sore.
Now that we got the “controversial” choice out the way, let’s get into number 9, which is a choice that I’m sure NO ONE will disagree on.
For some reason, re-appropriating Marvin Gaye’s music has been a trend in recent years. Two years ago, there was Blurred Lines, which was accused of ripping off Got To Give It Up to the point where Robin Thicke and Pharrell had to pay $7.4 million for it after a lawsuit from the Gaye family. This year, we had Nelly, Jeremih, and DJ Mustard sample this song for their disgusting, unsexy The Fix (which I hope to God doesn’t become a hit) and we also have the number 9 song of this list, Charlie Puth and Meghan Trainor’s Marvin Gaye. My God, this song fails on so many levels. First off, the song starts with this lovely line.
Let’s Marvin Gaye and get it on
So much cringe. And that’s just one of the bad lines presented in this shlock. Second, the instrumentation sucks. It sounds like the worst slow jams from the 60s that someone’s out-of-touch parents would listen to. Plus, the attempt to modernize it with a hip-hop beat on the second verse just doesn’t work in its favor. Charlie Puth and Meghan Trainor both have the presence of tumbleweed. These two sex appeal-lacking white artists set themselves up to fail by doing a sex song named after one of the greatest black soul singers to have ever lived. There’s just nothing sexy about this, it’s just awkward like a middle school prom. And how appropriate that the music video takes place in a prom. Folks, you want Marvin Gaye, go listen to Marvin Gaye himself.
Number 8 is a tie between two songs, but I want you to answer this question before you continue reading: what do they have in common?
If your answer was “they’re Talk Dirty ripoffs,” then congratulations, you won yourself a cookie. G.D.F.R. and Worth It are such blatant rip offs that I’m amazed Jason Derulo himself doesn’t sue for copyright infringement. Let me make it clear; Talk Dirty is not a good song, but at least it had good production unlike these two ear scrapings. Both songs have electro-trap beats with fake horns and boring shitty rappers as guest features. G.D.F.R. stands for going down for real, which I’m pretty sure no one besides an inebriated white college/frat boy says in real life. This song made Flo Rida relevant again, which nobody wants as he still has no personality or skills. The breakdown is annoying as shit with the fake horns sounding more like farting synths. You wanna hear some Inception shit? G.D.F.R. is a remake of the Lookas’ remix of Low Rider by War. Yeah. Flo Rida sampled a song that sampled another song. Still a lazy, unoriginal hack, I see. And this isn’t even the first time he did this (check out Good Feeling for example). There’s not much to the rapping as both Flo Rida and Sage The Gemini (you all remember him, right?) contribute uninteresting verses about nothing with wack punchline after wack punchline. Why anyone would want to listen to this, I’ll never know. Just listen to the Lookas’ remix of Low Rider instead… or the original Low Rider. Worth It is not worth it. It’s just another lame sex song disguised as a female empowerment anthem that has an unearned sense of self-entitlement that makes these girls look like bitches. Now, that attitude could have been avoided if the singer(s) have some presence or charisma or if the song is written well with good framing, but Fifth Harmony doesn’t have any of those things and the writing and framing are all butchered. Hell, I could barely tell who is who when they’re singing (which isn’t helped by the effects put on their voices). Girl groups should have easily distinguishable members. In TLC, I can tell who’s Chilli, T-Boz, and Left Eye. In Destiny’s Child, I can tell who’s Beyonce, Kelly Rowland, and the other one. I can’t do that for Fifth Harmony without looking online. Oh, and Kid Ink is on this song, filling the quota of pointless rap feature with two copy-paste verses that is nothing but filler. Worth It, the 2015 Wannabe but with no personality. This is why I prefer Little Mix instead.
Number 7 is a song I previously did a Target Practice on, so I’ll try to get through this without repeating myself too much.
Ah, yes. Dear Future Husband a.k.a. I’m A Psychotic Bitch Who Will Control Your Life. This is easily the worst Meghan Trainor single ever. The instrumentation is the same interchangeable doo-wop from her other songs, but the reason Dear Future Husband is the worst is all due to its premise and execution. It’s basically Meghan making a list of demands for her future husband. Okay, that doesn’t sound bad. But then you look at the demands and some of them are just cruel like apologizing after every fight even when she’s in the wrong and spending less time with his family in favor of hers. Meghan Trainor comes off as a possessive psycho-bitch who wants her future husband to do all the work, meanwhile, she doesn’t do squat and contributes nothing to the relationship outside of her body. This dated attitude is sexist to both genders and doesn’t contribute to a healthy relationship. I normally don’t support adultery, but if some unfortunate schmuck were to find themselves married to Meghan Trainor, he has every right to go out and cheat on her. He deserves better.
Number 6 comes from an artist who topped my Worst Songs of 2014 list last year with what I consider to be the musical version of the Holocaust. Now she’s back on the list with some help from a couple of friends for a song that I also did a Target Practice on. It wouldn’t be a Worst Songs list without mentioning Nicki Minaj.
I think it’s safe to say that Young Money/Cash Money is approaching the end. With Lil Wayne and several other artists wanting to leave Cash Money, that just leaves the big two of Drake and Nicki Minaj, who only have at least one or two albums under their contract left. Let’s hope that means less songs like Only. I still don’t get how this became big outside of brand name recognition. The beat is boring, minimalist shit with FIVE people credited to its production. FIVE PEOPLE. I would kill to be a fly on the wall during the creative process of that beat because there is no way that five people would make this shit. Lyrically, there’s not much to the song besides a bunch of cringeworthy lines like:
If I did I’d Minaj wid’ him and let ’em eat my ass like a cupcake
My man full, he just ate, I don’t duck nobody but tape
Yea, that was a setup for a punchline on duct tape
These hoes couldn’t test me even if they name was pop quiz
I never fucked Nicki cause she got a man
But when that’s over then I’m first in line
She was sitting down on that big butt
But I was still staring at the titties though
Yea, that’s right, I like my girls BBW, yea
Type to wanna suck you dry and then eat some lunch with you
I piss greatness like goldish yellow
For some buttfucking reason, they keep telling us that Drake and Wayne never had sex with Nicki Minaj. Hey, guys. Guess what? No one gives a fuck. Nicki was head-shaking bad, Drake was just embarrassing, Wayne is Wayne, and Chris Brown’s hook has nothing to do with the verses, which begs the question of why even have him on the song. This only happened because these three know that anything with their name on it will sell regardless of quality, which is disappointing.
Before we continue, here are some dishonorable mentions.
- Rihanna-Bitch Better Have My Money: Yeah, I don’t wanna hear Rihanna yelling about how much of a pimp she is over lifeless, chaotic trap production. We already had Pour It Up, we don’t need another one.
- Chris Brown & Tyga-Ayo: This is just Loyal part 2 where it’s two jackasses acting like jackasses. It’s not even trying to hide how unoriginal it is.
- Rae Sremmurd-No Type: That contradictory chorus alone is enough for a mention. You do know that bad bitches are a type, right?
- Rachel Platten-Fight Song: THIS IS A BLAND SONG, A BORING KELLY CLARKSON SONG, A PAINT-BY-NUMBERS EMPOWERMENT SOOOOOOOONG that we’ve heard before and doesn’t do anything new or creative to stand out.
- ILOVEMAKKONEN ft Drake-Tuesday: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
- Nick Jonas-Jealous: Jealousy is never an emotion ANYONE should proudly express and leave it to one of the Jonas Brothers to prove why by being a douchebag.
- Natalie La Rose ft Jeremih-Somebody: Shitty DJ Mustard-esque beat? Check. Boring charisma-lacking singers? Check. Empty lyrical content? Check. Ripping off an iconic Whitney Houston song from the 80s? Double check. Congratulations. You made a DJ Mustard song.
- Sam Hunt-Take Your Time: A slow boring ballad about a guy telling a girl to “take her time” when he just wants to get into those pants? No, thank you.
- Skrillex & Diplo ft Justin Bieber-Where Are U Now/Justin Bieber-What Do You Mean: 2015 will be best known as the year Bieber went from one of the worst pop artists ever to being the most bland and uninteresting; these two identical snoozers showcases that.
- Rich Homie Quan-Flex (Ooh, Ooh, Ooh): This is just incoherent blabbering disguised as a song. Can we just leave Rich Homie Quan behind going into 2016 and beyond?
- Ne-Yo ft Juicy J-She Knows/Usher ft Juicy J-I Don’t Mind: How many years has had two terrible strip club songs from two R&B stars that features Juicy J and become hits? That is an accomplishment in its own right.
- Jidenna ft Roman GianArthur-Classic Man: This song wore off on me big time. DJ Mustard-esque beats tend to grind my gears very quickly. And it’s no coincidence to see that this was produced by the same people behind Fancy and Pretty Girls.
- Drake-Hotline Bling: The memes of the video were funny, but this concern trolling elevator music needs to go away for good.
I originally had the number 5 spot saved for Crash And Burn, but it didn’t make the year end chart, so here’s its substitute instead, which is nearly as bad.
Luke Bryan has continuously solidify his reputation as one of the worst things to have ever happened to country music. I mean, come on. The guy made That’s My Kind Of Night, which is pretty much cancer to country music in general. In 2015, he has released another shitty album and the big hit off of it is Kick The Dust Up, a song that is so stereotypical country, yet sounds more like an imitation of country and it’s all thanks to the production. The fake drum machines and synths water down this song to such a slurry that’s only here to fill up space in country radio. Luke Bryan’s singing is awful here, his constant braying like a constipated donkey gets annoying with each listen. The lyrics suck ass, too, as it contains all of the cliches of bro-country, getting drunk, trucks, chicks, and tearing up dirt roads. Nothing new has been brought to the table because of this song, everything it’s doing has been done better by more talented people. Can we please stop making Luke Bryan a thing and not let his songs tear up the charts? The sooner we do that, the less shitty music like this we’ll have infesting country airwaves.
Number 4 is a song whose success not only baffles me, but the entire world. It has no right to be as big as it was, mostly because of how terrible it is. Remember in my preamble when I said that 2015 was the year of comebacks and I named Justin Bieber as an example of a bad comeback? Well, you can add the main artist of this song to that list and it’s all thanks to DJ Mustard.
Seriously, why did we let this happen? Last year, DJ Mustard produced a bunch of singles that, musically, I would compare to AIDS. It’s no secret that I hate DJ Mustard’s production style. I hate how unoriginal he is. I hate how lazy he is. And I especially hate how he got so much success making the same song over and over. Post To Be is no different from the other fecal matter that Mustard provides. This is another boring club song about a bunch of assholes who’ll steal your girlfriend because they have money and fame and you don’t. Nice to see that the “I can steal your girlfriend” songs are the gift that keeps giving. This time around on the front is Mr. Ice Box himself, Omarion, who along with everyone else in the song, is singing in Auto-Tune. The guy does nothing to stand out from the other R&B singers out there. You could replace him with anyone else and nothing would change. Chris Brown is on here and he does exactly what we all expect him to do, be unlikable. But the one thing that kills me about this song is the presence of Jhene Aiko. For those who didn’t know, Jhene is a pretty dope R&B singer who put out what I think is one of the best albums of 2014 with Souled Out. 2015 and she’s on what will probably be the most successful thing she’s ever appeared on and it’s one of her worst performances ever. She’s the main reason Post To Be gained notoriety, all thanks to the line “might let your boy chauffeur me, but he gotta eat the booty like groceries.” Yep. Jhene Aiko likes having her salad tossed. Like groceries. *frustrated sigh* Congratulations, Jhene. You just soiled your good name with this line. I hope you’re happy. Well, wouldn’t be the first or last time a good artist appeared in a shitty song. Think I might take a short walk.
I was debating with myself whether or not to put the number 3 song on this list. Going back to it, putting it on the list made a lot of sense since its mere existence bothers me. Either way, time for me to bash a Taylor Swift song… again.
For this spot, I’m including both the original and the remix since they’re both bad in different ways, so think of it as a tie. Bad Blood is the worst single off of Taylor Swift’s 1989. It’s just a lame Katy Perry diss track that makes Taylor look
more immature, especially on the chorus where her shouting vocals are just irritating. The remix replaced the weak sauce production of the original with louder, more chaotic noises that makes the chorus sound even worse. Plus, it has a pointless rap feature from Kendrick Lamar, who has no business being on this piece of shit. He contributes two throwaway verses that replaced Taylor’s verses in the original and have nothing to do with the rest of the song. It’s like he had those verses recorded for something else and then the manager came in and told him that Taylor Swift wanted to do a song with him, so he just emailed those verses to her because he didn’t have anything else. This collaboration is just tacked-on and forced with no real chemistry or anything that flows, resulting in a mess. The marketing for the video was ridiculous, all for a laughable pseudo-female empowerment circus act starring a whole bunch of female celebrities pretending to be Taylor’s BFFs, with choreography that makes amateur YouTube videos look professional, more cheap CG effects than the Star Wars prequels, and the direction of a Tommy Wiseau film. The Bad Blood remix is an empty shell of a song that wastes the talent of a great rapper and shows Taylor Swift going backwards, which is something an artist shouldn’t do.
Number 2 comes from a big name artist who isn’t even trying. She knew how dedicated and gullible her fanbase was that they would buy anything with her name on it and she exploited that with this song. Who is this artist, you ask? Of course, I’m talking about Beyonce.
This is what happens when you let the fame and accolades get to your head. I’m not the biggest fan of Beyonce’s self-titled album, but it was decent. This, on the other hand? What is even the fuck? Could it be? Beyonce made a song worse than Diva? I thought it was impossible. I mean, Drunk In Love and Partition came pretty damn close, but I don’t think they’ll ever top 7/11. Where do I start? How appropriate that this song is named after a convenience store whose food makes you shit explosive diarrhea. Anyways, like I said, Beyonce isn’t even trying here. She’s in full auto-pilot with vocals smothered in so much Auto-Tune, she sounds like a drowning robot. Plus, the production is just boring. It’s a generic trap beat that anyone can make. It doesn’t do anything to liven up the song, it just sucks the life out of it like a vampire. I would talk about the lyrics, but they’re practically nonexistent here. It’s a bunch of dance instructions that if you were to do them in real life, it would make you look like either an absolute fool or someone who’s having an epileptic seizure. One of the main defenses of this song is that it’s a club/party song that’s not meant to have meaning and that’s no excuse. 7/11 fails as a party/club song. Aside from its poor composition, it’s too slow and sounds more creepy than fun. This is one of those songs that they play at one o’clock in the morning when everyone is too drunk to notice that their clothes are covered in vomit. I guess this proves that the BeyHive will buy anything from their idol, even if it’s nothing but white noise.
So here we are, ladies and gentlemen. The number one spot for the worst song of 2015. This will be the choice that you all saw coming, but didn’t see coming at the same time. I know. That sentence is an oxymoron. But when you see what I chose, it’ll make sense. So let’s not bullshit around.
The number one worst song of 2015 IS………
Yep. The worst that 2015 has to offer isn’t even one song, but 4 songs that have many things in common, one of them being that they’re all part of the same subgenre of rap: nu-crunk or Vine rap. These 4 shit stains were tailor made for the Vine crowd who are easily entertained by 7-second videos. Guess Andy Warhol’s prediction about the future wasn’t that far-fetched, except instead of 15 minutes of fame, there’s 7 seconds of shame. The beats on all of these songs sound like cheap FL Studio demos and are reminiscent of ringtone rap of the mid-late 2000s A.K.A. the worst kind of hip-hop ever. And they all have shitty lyrics except for Watch Me, where lyrics don’t even exist. Speaking of Watch Me, both that song and Hit The Quan are most like ringtone rap as they both have shitty dances in them that neither Silento or IHeartMemphis created. Watch Me mentions other rap dances like the Stanky Leg and the Crank That dance. You know, dances that no one in a long time did because of how stupid they made you look? The whip is a dance that’s already existed before anyone has heard of this kid and I’m not sure what nae-nae means, but something tells me it doesn’t involve horses. IHeartMemphis took the quan from Rich Homie Quan (wouldn’t it be hilarious if Hit The Quan literally meant punch Rich Homie Quan in the face?). This kid’s voice and Silento’s are the worst high-pitched nasal voices ever. No charm or charisma at all. CoCo is O.T. Genasis rapping in a fake Jamaican accent over a by-the-book trap beat about how cool selling cocaine is. Because we don’t have enough rappers making songs that glorify drug culture. He uses the same flow through the majority of the song and rarely switches up, meaning everything he says sounds the same, adding more to the obnoxious repetition of this terrible song. It’s actually hilarious how bad he is, but it’s not enough to save him from the list. As for Nasty Freestyle, well, the the title is appropriate as this freestyle is indeed nasty (and I don’t mean that in a positive way) as it isn’t even T-Wayne’s song originally (did this dude seriously named himself after the shelved T-Pain/Lil Wayne collaboration album?) as this is technically a freestyle over Bandit Gang Marco’s Nasty, but for some reason, THIS was the one that hit the Top 10. The song starts off with the only memorable thing about it that’s played in all the Vine videos.
First let me hop out the motherfucking Porsche
I don’t want her if that ass don’t sit like a horse
One, looking at the video to this song, I’m pretty sure T-Wayne can’t even afford a used Pinto. Two, horses don’t sit, so you’ll be forever alone with standards like that for women. The rest of the song is just this dude regurgitating a bunch of weak ass punchlines while doing his worst Lil Wayne impersonation. This song, alongside Watch Me, Hit The Quan, and CoCo, are perfect representations of how awful most mainstream rap was in 2015. Let’s hope going into 2016 that these songs and the trend they created are properly disposed of and forgotten. Here’s a New Year’s Resolution, America: no more lazy, uncreative Vine sensations as hit singles. We’ve dealt with this crap since 2013. Enough is enough.
So that was the worst that 2015 had to offer. 2016 is just around the corner, so let’s hope things get better. In the meantime, after this list, we’ll need to balance things out by talking about the positive. Next week is the Best Songs of 2015 list.
SONGS OF THE WEEK
Interstate Love Song-Stone Temple Pilots (R.I.P., Scott)
Hold My Hand-Jess Glynne
I’m On My Way-The Proclaimers
U Got It Bad-Usher