Worst Songs List

Top 10 List: Worst Songs of 1997

1997 is the worst year for pop music in the 90s. Even worse than 1991. It was a chaotic year for the charts during this time. The tonal shift of the music went from DC to Marvel instantly as it was the beginning of what I like to call the TRL era that lasted from the late 90s to the early 2000s where there was a rise in the popularity of teen pop. Some of it was good, others weren’t. Hip-hop had gotten softer, most R&B has gotten bland, and house has gotten more annoying. On the plus side, 1997 was a good year for alt-rock/indie music as the genre flourished on the Airplay charts. The pop charts as a whole in the late 90s were a huge clusterfuck and because of that, at least half of the songs on the Hot 100 were average at best. We’re going to look into the worst of them today.

11312730_771172476315043_1781979685939954583_o

10.

This is probably the most disappointing song on this list because it could have been good. You have Timbaland, the go-to guy for hot beats in the late 90s and 2000s, an upcoming new rapper in Magoo, and features from both Aaliyah and Missy Elliott. But what we’re left with instead is Up Jumps Da Boogie, a weak, weak, weak song. Timbaland provided one of his weakest production works to date with this beat being more limp than wet spaghetti. He was always a better producer than rapper and this song showcases why, his bars are not impressive. But he’s not even the worst part of the song. Oh, no. That title goes to Magoo, who has one of the most hilariously cartoonish nasal voices I’ve heard in hip-hop. He sounds like Q-Tip from A Tribe Called Quest with a stuffed nose. He is not a good rapper at all and it’s no wonder he never took off with pathetic rapping like this. Missy Elliott and Aaliyah are the best parts of the song, but their talents are wasted here as they don’t do anything that helps the song rise above mediocrity. Timbaland, you have disappointed me once again.

You broke my heart

9.

Remember in my preamble what I said about hip-hop getting softer during this time? Well, that can be blamed on two things: one, the tragic deaths of both Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls, and two, the rise to prominence of one man, Puff Daddy. This man is partly responsible for the slow but sure erosion of hip-hop’s quality in the 90s with his brand of shallow shiny suit luxury rap. One example of that is Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down featuring Mase. This song has the distinction of lazily sampling and butchering two songs, Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five’s The Message and Matthew Wilder’s Break My Stride. All of that amounts to a flavorless, energy-lacking beat. Puffy’s quality as a producer has been questionable since he has other people do the work for him while taking credit and as a rapper, he’s always been mediocre at best. Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down is your typical luxury rap song where Mase, who I never thought was a good rapper, raps about how awesome they are with a clumsy flow and monotone voice. Plus, Puffy in the background won’t shut the fuck up. Oh, and the lyrics suck.

Young, black, and famous, with money hangin out the anus

Why is there money hanging out your assholes? I hope you washed those dollar bills after you’re done with them. Puffy, you might have gotten one point for I’ll Be Missing You, but this, along with a lot of other songs you made, is not acceptable.

8.

Anyone remember Hard To Say I’m Sorry, one of the many terrible ballads Chicago released in the 80s? Well, Az Yet decided to cover that song and brought Peter Cetera along for the ride. Goody goody gumdrops. You know? There can be good covers to bad songs (to the point where the cover is actually better than the original), but this isn’t one of those cases. This is a boring bland cover to an already terrible song and to bring the guy who made the original song into the mix is just icing to the shit cake. Bare-bones production combined with uninspired harmonies pretty much sinks the song, plus, the writing of the original song is so bad and dickish that no cover will ever make it redeemable, even if it’s from a great talented singer. So it’s no surprise that an average-at-best R&B group like Az Yet couldn’t do anything good with the song. One positive that I’ll give it is that I can barely hear Peter Cetera, but that’s not enough.

7.

When I was going through the Year End chart of 1997, I came across this song and had no clue of its existence. All I know was that I feared listening to it. Just look at the title. Ooh Ahh… Just A Little Bit. That’s dialogue you would hear when a woman is receiving cunnilingus. I expected it to suck and I was right. This song is terrible. It’s another perfect example of how NOT to do a song about sex (surprise, that’s what the song is about; I’m just as shocked as you are). The writing is pretty meh for a sex song and Gina G herself is blander than plain toast. And all of this is over an overstuffed, cheesy ass house beat that’s aged like year old milk. If you’re trying to make a sex song, this usually isn’t the type of production you use. I just can’t imagine someone setting the mood to have sex to this song outside of being at the club where people are banging in the restrooms or alleys. I’m just saying, there’s much better sex songs out there.

6.

Some of you expected to see this song much higher on the list. Remember back in my Worst Songs of ’91 list where I said I like to play with expectations? Yeah, that’s exactly what’s going into effect here. Don’t want to be too predictable. Anyways, I am not a fan of the Spice Girls. At all. I found them annoying as a kid and I find them annoying now all thanks to the song that started it all, Wannabe. The best thing I can say about it is that the production isn’t half-bad, if a bit dated, and the girls do get equal time as none of them are left out or underutilized. But that’s where the praise ends. This song is just plain stupid and not even in a fun way, but in a “why am I wasting my time with this shit” kind of way. The writing is nothing but pseudo-female empowerment crap that repeats itself too much for its good, forcing a guy to get along with a woman’s friends in order to get with her and then there’s that dumbass phrase zigazigah, which still doesn’t make a lick of sense. And the attempts at rap on the bridge is laughably embarrassing. I can understand why people would like it, but the stupidity of it is overwhelming for me. Like I said before, there’s a thin line between mindless fun and just plain mindless. Wannabe pretty much atom-bombs that line and is stuck in the latter.

5.

Along with the Spice Girls and other acts, Hanson helped propel teen pop to the top of the charts and they did it with this piece of shit called MMMBop. First off, this production is just horrendous. It’s like the worst elements of pop rock thrown into the blender along with vinyl scratches to make it “hip” and “cool” with the “urban” crowd and all it does is make it more cheap, corny, and white-bread. Then there’s the lyrics. With the exception of the verses, the lyrics for the most part are complete nonsensical gibberish, especially the hook. And look, I know that Hanson’s balls didn’t completely drop when they made this song, but they just sound like girls who can’t sing. MMMBop reminds me of a pre-Boyfriend Justin Bieber song, a cookie-cutter teenybopper love song that tries way too hard to be cool and fails spectacularly. Let me make something clear, I don’t hate Hanson at all. To be honest, they’ve actually gotten better as they got older and started doing more indie songs and working with Weird Al. They’re actually cool. Still doesn’t change the fact that MMMBop, their biggest hit to date, is complete dogshit.

4.

For this, you have Miami bass to blame, although Freak Nasty is from Atlanta, but who cares? This song blows ass and is derivative of that subgenre. This is Da Dip. It’s basically the 90s version of songs like Crank That, Teach Me How To Dougie, Watch Me, and Hit The Quan, a shitty party rap song about being at a club while a bunch of chicks are shaking their asses and surprise surprise, there’s a dance attached to it with instructions on the hook. The beat is horrifically cheap and dated as all hell. A 10 year old with access to Garageband could make something more impressive. Freak Nasty himself has no presence, personality, or talent. Dude is so generic and plain that he should be banned from the mic. Hell, it sounds like he’s not even having fun with how disinterested he sounds. If the artist doesn’t care, then why should we? It’s a good thing that history left this song and Freak Nasty behind to be forgotten because nobody needs to hear this.

3.

WORST. COVER OF A DISNEY SONG. EVER. And of course it comes from Michael fucking Bolton. There is no cover that needed to exist less than this. For some buttfucking reason, Disney decided to let Bolton do a cover of Go The Distance from Hercules. While I do like the original song, it’s not exactly a high-tier Disney song along the likes of Beauty And The Beast, A Whole New World, and Circle Of Life. But it deserves better than this crap. The production and instrumentation are overblown soft rock A.K.A. Michael Bolton’s favorite sound outside of his own voice. Speaking of that, his voice is still ear-scraping and torturous to listen to. The original song had a sense of sadness and hope, which is NOWHERE to be seen on the cover version. Again, this is the worst cover of a Disney song ever made (though it does have competition from those Disneymania compilations a decade later), but fortunately for us, this is Michael Bolton’s last Top 40 single, meaning from this point on, he won’t have anymore hits. The music gods have truly blessed us.

2.

What in the Nine Realms of Asgard is this? Fucking hell. B-Rock & The Bizz has made what is basically a 90s music version of those “hood” or “ratchet” viral videos with My Baby Daddy. It does nothing but play up ghetto black stereotypes for cheap laughs, more specifically, a guy hitting on a single mother. It’s just a back-and-forth conversation between B-Rock and the baby mother (who has one of the most annoying nasal voices in the world) where’s he’s giving her shit about her baby daddy and near the end of the song, she’s trying to convince him to stay with her and take care of her kids and it’s hard to listen to even with a decent beat that samples The Emotions’ Best Of My Love (which is what you and I should be listening to instead of this dreck). Here’s the hook.

Who that is?
That’s just my baby daddy
Who that is?
That’s just my baby dad
Who that is?
That’s just my baby daddy
Who that is?
That’s just my baby dad

Who that is?
That’s just my baby dad
Who that is?
That’s just my baby dad
Who that is?
That’s just my baby daddy
Who that is?
T-Bird, that’s just my baby daddy

Who that is? That’s just my baby daddy. *frustrated groan* Jesus, the grammar. Somewhere in the world, an English teacher killed themselves after reading that. You wanna know why I truly despise this song overall? It perpetuates a toxic stereotype about black people that non-blacks already have about them, that which depicts a black family as an unmarried couple where the single mother is left to fend for her kid(s) (if there’s more than one, then they might or might not have different fathers) while the father or baby daddy is an absent deadbeat who doesn’t think about his kid(s) and is more concerned about getting some pussy, drinking, smoking weed, and being a lazy asshole who does stupid shit because he hasn’t grown up mentally. And the sad fact is that this shit does happen in real life and it’s still happening today. Go to the bottom of the barrel of any social media site and you’ll see this being promoted or be played up for laughs. This song’s existence (and its content) further adds to the discrimination of African Americans and it would have been number one on this list if it weren’t for one particular song.

And now, here are some dishonorable mentions.

DISHONORABLE MENTIONS

  • Savage Garden-I Want You
  • Rome-I Belong To You (Every Time I See Your Face)
  • Dru Hill-In My Bed
  • Changing Faces-G.H.E.T.T.O.U.T.
  • Paula Cole-Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?
  • Allure ft 112-All Cried Out
  • Something For The People-My Love Is The Shhh!
  • Barbara Streisand & Bryan Adams-I Finally Found Someone
  • Mr President-Coco Jambo
  • Ray J-Let It Go
  • Bob Carlisle-Butterfly Kisses

And finally, the number one worst song of 1997 IS……..

drum roll

1.

…………………………..

…………………………..

…………………………..

Nope. Fuck this shit. I quit.

discontinued

image

Fine. I’ll talk about this fucking piece of shit song. So… Barbie Girl. Where do I start with fucking Barbie Girl? I don’t remember the first time I heard this song. All I remember is that I fucking hated what I heard with every fiber of my body and to this day, I still hate it. Very few songs get my blood boiling more than Aqua’s genocidal abomination of epic proportions. It’s like this song was tailor-made to irritate me. It’s bubblegum shit that’s sugarcoated times a million to the point that anyone listening to it dies from high blood sugar. The production is garbage. The lead singer has one of the worst voices in pop music, all high-pitched and too cutesy-wootsey. She sounds like one of those annoying female characters in anime that won’t shut the fuck up, who you just want to see receive a punch to the face by the Hulk. Apparently, the song is supposed to be a satire of the Hollywood celebrity lifestyle, which is evident in the lyrics, but it’s not a good satire at all as you’re constantly distracted by how shitty the whole song sounds to the point where you just want to jab your fucking eardrums out. I would get a more satisfying listening experience being in an echo chamber with a Wookie orgy. To not put Barbie Girl at number one on this list would undermine how terrible it is. This song, to me, is in the upper echelon of godawful pieces of music alongside the likes of Afternoon Delight, Disco Duck, Glory Of Love, Short Dick Man, Limp Bizkit’s cover of Faith, My Humps, anything from Soulja Boy, Dance (A$$), 23, Anaconda, etc. Any terrible song that’s released will be compared to Barbie Girl and the other stinkers I’ve named. It’s a musical tragedy unlike any before it and after. I would congratulate Barbie Girl for being the worst song of 1997, but giving this POS any sort of praise just makes me feel sick. FUCK THIS SONG UNTIL ITS ASSHOLE IS REDDER THAN A BLOODS CONVENTION!!

So those were the worst songs of 1997. Next month, BACK TO THE 90s continue with the worst songs of 1998.

12565362_876634135768876_7081925844711839422_n12631531_876657732433183_1262333563325444185_n

Peace!!

SONGS OF THE WEEK

Space Jam-Quad City DJs

Fly Like An Eagle-Seal

Hit ‘Em High (The Monstars’ Anthem)-Busta Rhymes, LL Cool J, Method Man, & B-Real

I Believe I Can Fly-R. Kelly

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “Top 10 List: Worst Songs of 1997

  1. Glad to see Barbie Girl get the verbal beatdown it deserved. Easily the worst song of the 90s by far, and one of my favourite lists from you as well.

    Going off topic, are you still planning on doing the Musical Appreciation of It Wasn’t Me by Shaggy anytime soon? Oh, and I checked out TPAB on Spotify and it’s every bit as good as you say.

    Like

  2. Baby One More Time for worst song of 1998/1999.

    Plus, I’d like to see Complicated and Toxic as the worst songs of 2002 and 2004. 2005 is a four-way tie between My Humps, Axel F, Hollaback Girl, and Don’t Cha. 2007 is a four-way tie between Girlfriend, Irreplaceable, Crank That, and Umbrella.

    Like

  3. I have to admit both “MMMBop” and “Barbie Girl” are guilty pleasures (so are The Spice Girls, but I hate “Wannabe”) but I can understand why people would hate them and I will say the songs aren’t good. I also liked “In My Bed”, I never really thought Sisqo was that bad, he just gets ratted on more that he should, though I will admit he wasn’t the greatest R&B vocalist and they weren’t the best R&B group. At this point in time I was 11, meaning I was the target audience for this kind of music, I basically just enjoy them for nostalgia, but I’m aware these songs weren’t that good. That being said I agree with everything else on the list.

    Like

  4. While I don’t agree with every choice here (Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down, Ooh Aah…Just A Little Bit, Wannabe, MMMBop, I Want You), this is an incredibly solid list. Oh, and for your entry for Go The Distance, I think you meant to say no cover needed to exist *less* than this. Also, if you don’t mind me asking, since they wound up on neither list, any thoughts on It’s Your Love by Tim McGraw & Faith Hill, Your Woman by White Town, Barely Breathing by Duncan Shiek, The Freshmen by The Verve Pipe, and Mo Money Mo Problems by The Notorious B.I.G. feat. Puff Daddy & Mase?

    Like

    1. It’s Your Love: Meh
      Your Woman: I like it.
      Barely Breathing: I think it’s a good song, but not one of my personal favorites.
      The Freshmen: I’m ambivalent towards it.
      Mo Money Mo Problems: It’s alright, but it’s not my favorite Biggie song, mostly because of Puffy and Mase.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s