Target Practice

Target Practice: Meghan Trainor “NØ”

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PREVIOUSLY ON TARGET PRACTICE…

Target Practice: Beyonce “Partition”

Next Target Practice, it’s been a while since I’ve reviewed something more recent, so I’ll do just that. So what random song currently burning up the charts can I rip into?

A portrait of a young woman with red hair looking straight at the camera, sporting a green top. To her right stands the title, "NØ".
*dramatic music*

MOTHERFU-

NOW BACK TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM.

Welcome to Target Practice where bad popular songs of the past and present get shot. Meghan Trainor. I have officially given up on Meghan Trainor. She’s just one of the worst artists of the past few years. Her songs contains some of the most toxic attitudes and ideals I’ve ever heard in modern pop from skinny-shaming in All About That Bass to the horribleness that is Dear Future Husband. Her only good song was Like I’m Gonna Lose You and that’s mostly because she wasn’t even the best part of the song and she wasn’t a total bitch, which is an attitude that is present in nearly all of her music and today’s Target Practice isn’t any different. It’s the lead off single for her next album called Thank You (which, if this single is any indication, is shaping up to be the worst album of 2016). This is NØ.

A portrait of a young woman with red hair looking straight at the camera, sporting a green top. To her right stands the title, "NØ".
Jeez, her and Reese Witherspoon must be related because they have the same chins.

I think it’s so cute and I think it’s so sweet
How you let your friends encourage you to try and talk to me
But let me stop you there, oh, before you speak

So there’s a guy at the club with his buddies and they convince him into talking to Meghan Trainor. You know? I heard this song was supposed to be about her telling off horny douchebags who only want to fuck. This is the first line of the song and already, the premise shot itself in the dick. You can’t really pull this kind of thing off when the dude doesn’t have the confidence to approach you and has to be pressured by his friends to do so. It kinda makes you look bad.

Nah to the ah to the no, no, no
My name is no
My sign is no
My number is no
You need to let it go
You need to let it go
Need to let it go
Nah to the ah to the no, no, no
My name is no
My sign is no
My number is no
You need to let it go
You need to let it go
Need to let it go
Nah to the ah to the no, no, no

Jeez, you didn’t even let him speak. I know you’ve been approached by douchebags before, but how would you know that this guy is exactly the same as them?

*guy approaches Meghan Trainor*

guy: Hey…

Meghan: No.

guy: But…

Meghan: No.

guy: But why…

Meghan: Nah to the nah to the no, no, no.

guy: I didn’t even…

Meghan: I SAID NO!! Geez, why can’t you guys understand when a woman says no, she means no? Ugh, you men are all the same, seeing a girl as nothing but a piece of meat. Well, I’m not interested. Bye.

First you gonna say you ain’t runnin’ game, thinkin’ I’m believing every word
Call me beautiful, so original, telling me I’m not like other girls

How would you know that? Are you able to read minds? Wait. Red hair, telepathy, negative energy. It’s official: Meghan Trainor is the Dark Phoenix.

We’re so screwed right now.

I was in my zone before you came along, now I’m thinking maybe you should go
Blah, blah, blah, I be like nah to the ah to the no, no, no

Meghan Trainor, ladies and gentlemen, with the maturity of a ten year old.

All my ladies, listen up
If that boy ain’t giving up
Lick your lips and swing your hips
Girl all you gotta say is

Don’t you dare speak for all women with this sexist crap.

Thank you in advance, I don’t wanna dance (nope)
I don’t need your hands all over me
If I want a man, then I’mma get a man
But it’s never my priority
I was in my zone, before you came along, don’t want you to take this personal
Blah, blah, blah, I be like nah to the ah to the no, no, no

Don’t take it personal? You never even gave the poor guy a chance to speak. How would you know what this guy want? Maybe he just wanted to have a conversation with you about current events, not every guy out there wants to bone every woman they lay their eyes on.

I’m feeling
Untouchable, untouchable
I’m feeling
Untouchable, untouchable
I’m feeling
Untouchable, untouchable
I’m feeling
(nah to the ah to the, no, no, no)
I’m feeling
Untouchable, untouchable
I’m feeling
Untouchable, untouchable
I’m feeling
Untouchable, untouchable
I’m feeling
(nah to the ah to the, no, no, no)

Congratulations, Meghan. You just won the award for “Bitch Of The Year.” Give her a round of applause, ladies and gentlemen.

*applause*
gold-trophy
For you, Ms. Trainor.

This song is a misandrist glob of nonsense. Once again, Meghan Trainor displays her uncanny ability to be unlikable. What was probably a song originally about her telling off sleazy guys has turned into ego masturbation that puts down any dude who dares approaches her. Whenever a guy tries to talk to her, she shuts them down for no reason and just comes off as a bitch. It’s not like we know much about the guy outside of his friends encouraging him to talk to her. If he was a douchebag, he wouldn’t need to be pressured. DETAILS!! Details are important, people. This shit is written so vaguely that you start feeling sympathetic towards the guy since as far as we know, he could be the nicest guy in the club (which is saying a lot). Outside of the cancerous lyrical content, Meghan sounds horrible with her singing and the production is ten levels of garbage. Instead of re-appropriating 50s doo-wop, Meghan went with the sounds of late 90s-early 2000s pop music, the worst aspects of late 90s-early 2000s pop music. It doesn’t even sound like music, it’s just a bunch of irritating synth stabs, whistles, snaps, and other annoying sound effects. This could’ve been a deep cut from a Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera album pre-Stripped. As I’m writing this, this shit is in the Top 3 of the Hot 100. People actually like this horrible, horrible song. I eagerly anticipate Trainor’s inevitable irrelevance, that would be a glorious day indeed. Next Target Practice, we’re going country… kinda.

Peace!!

SONGS OF THE WEEK

California Dreamin’-The Mamas & Papas

Outstanding-The Gap Band

Dani California-Red Hot Chili Peppers

The Sound-The 1975

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