Well, it’s a new decade, a new century, and a new millennium. That means it’s time to go BACK TO THE 2000s. And it’s appropriate that we start off in 2000 itself. The 90s still had its grip on pop culture, especially in music where nothing has changed. We had the same teen pop, R&B, hip-hop, alt-rock, post grunge, etc. This journey through the most recent decade before the 2010s will be one nostalgic trip for me as I imagine it will be for most of you fellow 90s babies. Now before I continue onto the list itself, I want to address something. I appreciate the fact that BACK TO THE 90s was a success and it’s all thanks to you, the readers. In the aftermath of these lists, I got questions like “how come *insert name of song* didn’t make it to the Best/Worst list?” And my answer is simple: because I didn’t think it was good or bad enough to make it. Plus, these lists are all my opinion, so whatever does make the cut is what I feel are the best or worst. Not to throw any shots at people, but that’s just how it is. Now that we got that out the way, let’s have some fun.
And we start off with a huge nostalgia bomb. But can we acknowledge that Blue (Da Ba Dee) is not a good song, regardless of if you like it or not? Fun fact: as a kid, I used to love this song. Now as an adult, it annoys the living crap outta me. Blue (Da Ba Dee) by Eiffel 65 is one of the most annoying dance tunes to ever become a hit in the 2000s, which is saying a lot. The production starts off decently with that piano, but then it turns into dated, cheesy house music with the most simplistic, underutilized synth melodies ever. It sounds like a really bad remix. The song is also annoying as fuck as the majority of it is just the chorus, where the lead vocalist is singing repetitive gibberish in Auto-Tune. That shit gets grating after a while. What’s the point in talking about the lyrics at this point? They’re garbage. In the beginning, it claims to be a story about a guy living in a blue world, but there is no fucking story, it’s just this guy talking about everything being blue. This song is starting to make me hate the color blue and that’s my favorite color.
We all know P!nk as the pop rock chick, but that’s not how she started off initially. When she released her debut album Can’t Take Me Home, she was in the vein of interchangeable pop and R&B, which is why songs like There You Go doesn’t work. The production sounds like a K-Mart version of No Scrubs, especially in that guitar, and it has not held up well. The writing is your typical break-up song where the guy wants to get back together and we’ve heard this a bunch of times before. P!nk has expressed her dislike for her debut album and you can’t really blame her. She sounds uncomfortable here as this song doesn’t allow her to use the strengths of her vocals. Instead, she sounds like a watered-down R&B singer of the time. This is an album made by focus groups instead of the artist themselves. Thank God P!nk went for a different, more badass route afterwards because we didn’t need this.
So this exists. I don’t know why. Most people probably don’t remember this song, me included. Apparently, it was a hit back in the day. So this is I Like It by Sammie, a terrible, terrible teen pop song. This beat is just pathetic and cheap. The drums sounds like they came from an FL Studio demo and the strings and synths are limper than a broken arm. The writing is every teen pop love song you’ve heard, nothing unique or creative about it. This Sammie kid cannot sing to save his life. It’s like the record labels just randomly pulled him out of the streets, put a microphone in front of him, and told him to sing. Poor thing has no idea what he’s doing. I’m just glad that we never heard from this kid again…
Guys, I don’t like Lil’ Bow Wow. At all. Even when I was a kid, I didn’t like him. To me, he’s an example of corny kid rappers who I can never take seriously. His songs can be put into two categories: “look how cool I am” and “I’m a ladies’ man.” Bounce With Me falls into the former. I don’t like this production. It’s the worst bare-bones production ever. It’s not Mustard-level bad, but it’s bad nonetheless. For a party song, it has no energy or punch to it and it’s not made better by Bow Wow himself, whose rapping is elementary at best and he has the presence of set-in stains on a pair of tighty-whities. Xscape barely did anything worth noting on the bland-as-hell-hook. Now I know what some people are thinking, “You’re too harsh on him. He’s young, he’ll get better through time.” One, he never got better, and two, let me remind you that Outkast were still in high school when they released their debut, Nas and Biggie were either 19 or 20 when they released Illmatic and Ready To Die respectively, hell, many rappers in the 80s like LL Cool J, Eric B & Rakim, Big Daddy Kane, etc., were either in their late teens or early 20s and were putting out classics. Age is not an excuse.
The Lame Funkie Ones are back again after topping my Worst Songs of 1999 list, this time around with Girl On TV. While this isn’t as incompetently put-together as Summer Girls, it’s still pretty shitty. The production is generic teen pop shit that you’re bound to forget after hearing. There’s not much rapping here (unfortunately, the rapping returns on the bridge and it’s as bad as you expect) and the dudes of Lame Funkie Ones are weak ass singers. Oh, and the lyrics deal with them falling in love with a movie actress. And in usual fashion, the dumb rears its ugly, deformed face.
Shooby-doo-wop and scobby snacks
met a fly girl and i can’t relax
This was approved and released by an actual label for mass consumption and it was a hit. Fucking hell. LFO, an embarrassment from the late 90s and early 2000s that we would love to forget about, but the amount of alcohol needed to do so would kill us.
I was originally planning a Target Practice for this song, but I think the utter shittiness speaks for itself. When people think bad songs, Thong Song from Dru Hill member Sisqo usually comes to mind, and oh boy, does it not disappoint. The production is generic as fuck with the weak strings and drums. And then there’s the lyrics where Sisqo and his bleached hair goes crazy over chicks with thongs. Fucking thongs. This dude is so obsessed with thongs that I wouldn’t be surprised if he wears them in secret…
Sorry. Just had a mental picture of Sisqo wearing a thong. I’ll give Sisqo this, he is an interesting singer. Not a good one, but interesting nonetheless. Also, this song has no purpose to existing. It’s too slow to be a party song, it’s too fast to be a slow jam, it’s too immature to be taken seriously, and it doesn’t even work as a joke. Even the intro isn’t all that funny. It’s amazing how one song can fail in many different ways.
Not-so-Savage Garden returns with enough sappiness for IHOP’s pancakes. I Knew I Loved You is one of the sappiest sap-fests that’s ever been sapped out. Being that it is a Savage Garden song, the instrumentation is weak, easy listening crap that’s guaranteed to put people to sleep, but then that gets countered by Darren Hayes’ dog whistle-like voice. Seriously, that voice is part of the reason why this song sounds like a tsunami of unicorn tears. I’ve heard My Little Pony songs that sound more hardcore. Now for the writing. It’s about love at first sight, a concept that I believe is a load of crap and I explained why in one of my Random WTF Lyrics. To fall in love with someone you barely even know is setting yourself up for possible disappointment. Maybe someone did find their significant other through love at first sight, but I’ve never seen it happen. Either way, I Knew I Loved You still sucks. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to listen to some heavy metal to cleanse my palette.
Kid Rock is one of those artists who I’m mostly ambivalent towards. He’s not great, but he’s not the worst either. To me, he’s just there with music I normally don’t care about. When he makes something good, you get Picture. When he makes something bad, you get Only God Knows Why. This song is the bastard child of bad country rock and bad ballads. The instrumentation is a by-the-book country rock ballad and it’s slow, dull, and tedious as fuck. Kid Rock is singing in Auto-Tune and it sticks out like an erection in basketball shorts. It’s so poorly integrated into the song that you’re immediately taken out of the song and any emotion expressed is rendered moot. Even ignoring the Auto-Tune, there’s not much to be invested in as he sings about his struggles with fame. I just don’t care about his plights and his attempts at sympathy don’t work. This is just plain bad.
Wow. This might be one of the worst things that Madonna has ever made. You know? For a song called Music, I have yet to find anything in this song that actually resembled music. This production is awful, it’s nothing but noise. The drums are stilted and the synths are off-key and grating to the ears. Listening to this song is like a million migraines at once. This song has no melody, no rhythm, and no structure. If this song was a building, it would be the most beat-up, unstable, uninhabitable building ever covered in yellow tape. Madonna is just phoning it in as she sings about nothing. As a party song, it doesn’t work. Nothing about it feels natural and if I were to hear it at an actual party, I would fucking leave after punching the DJ.
And now, here are some dishonorable mentions.
- Destiny’s Child-Jumpin’, Jumpin’
- Macy Gray-I Try
- Ruff Endz-No More
- Britney Spears-Oops, I Did It Again
- 98 Degrees-Give Me Just One Night (Una Noche)
- Filter-Take A Picture
- Jagged Edge-He Can’t Love You
And finally, the worst song of 2000 IS…
Creed. Fucking Creed. That’s basically all you need to know. The worst that 2000 had to offer is a two-way tie between songs from who most people consider to be one of the worst bands of all time along with Nickelback and Limp Bizkit. Higher and With Arms Wide Open are perfect representations of the awful music Creed contributed to the world and some of the rock music released in the 2000s. Both have dull, uninspired instrumentation, shit writing, and one of the worst lead vocalists of rock in Scott Stapp, whose sandpaper-to-the-nuts voice sounds like a piss-poor Eddie Vedder impersonator drunk off his ass at karaoke night. Every moment he opens his noise hole is like a million bees stinging your face at once. Like all Creed songs, Higher combines all of the pretentiousness of Christian rock and the sheer ugliness of bad post grunge as Stapp jerks off God’s almighty penis. With Arms Wide Open was apparently written when Stapp found out his son was born. I feel bad for this kid if he found out he inspired this dreary mess. The song aims for an uplifting feel, but just like with (Everything I Do) I Do It For You, it ends up being depressing. The Double Agent wasn’t kidding when he said that this song would fit perfectly at a funeral. If you’re somebody who’s on the verge of suicide, stay away from this song. Congratulations to both Higher and With Arms Wide Open for being the worst songs of 2000.
So those were the worst songs of 2000. Next month, BACK TO THE 2000s continues with the Worst Songs of 2001.
SONGS OF THE WEEK
Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)-Eurythmics
I Don’t Get Tired-Kevin Gates ft August Alsina