2004 was another pretty good year for the charts. The club boom has officially made its introduction. Around half of the songs on the Year End chart were specifically made for clubs and parties. The genres that benefited the most out of this was hip-hop (especially hip-hop from the South and crunk) and R&B. Other genres did okay, but none in 2004 had the dominance like these two genres. Something else I noticed in 2004 is that there’s not that many straight-up pop songs. With a few exceptions, most of the pop songs that were hits had either rock or R&B influences. Enough preamble: let’s shake it like a Polaroid picture and count down the worst of the worst of 2004.
If you’re familiar with rap in the 2000s, then you probably know about Lil Flip. I don’t have any strong feelings about this guy or his music. His big hit in 2004 was Sunshine, which was a generic love song that could’ve only existed in the early 2000s. There’s also his first single Game Over (Flip), which is easily worse. To be honest with you, the lyrics aren’t that bad, even if they are your typical generic brag rap, and Lil Flip isn’t the worst rapper out there, just meh. So why is this song on the list? Simple: the production. The beat is a mess, sampling Pac-Man. That’s right. Fucking Pac-Man. I would’ve been fine with this if it was integrated into the song properly, but it wasn’t. Because of the poor mixing, the samples ended up being irritatingly distracting more than cool and creative, which removes any sense of enjoyment of this song for me. This could’ve been a decent banger, but with how it sounds? Hell no.
The first line of this song goes, “how the hell did we wind up like this?” That is a very good question. How did we wind up in a situation where Nickelback, one of the worst bands of all time, became as successful as they were? Well, they’re back on a Worst Songs list for the second time with Someday, which continues the tradition of Nickelback being a lazy band by shamelessly ripping off How You Remind Me. The instrumentation is just like the previous song and it’s just as sludgy as ever. Chad Kroeger still sounds like shit as his voice is like is if he was having a circumcision with no anesthesia. Oh, and just like How You Remind Me, Someday is also about a relationship gone down the shitter, but the writing is even worse.
I’m gonna make it all right but not right now
Really, Chad? You’re not going to fix your relationship problems now? You know that all you’re doing is making a bad situation even worse by doing this. Jesus, no wonder you stay single forever. Not much else to say about Someday. It can burn in hell for all I care.
Fun fact: I actually used to like this song. Then once I started doing this site and gained a more analytical brain, I realized that it was a piece of shit. My Band is a song from Detroit collective D12 that portrays the group as a fictional band with Eminem, being the frontman, getting most of the attention. This was a warning sign that something was wrong with Eminem. There’s many problems with this song: weak beat, mediocre rap verses, and ear-scraping singing from Eminem, but the biggest problem is that it’s not funny at all. A lot of the punchlines have the execution of a free throw from Shaquille O’Neal. Listening to this song is like watching a really bad Adam Sandler movie; you know the people behind it have talent, but they’re wasting them on crap. The best verse comes from Proof, who was the only legitimately funny one in the song. The worse verse, of course, goes to Bizarre, who says things that are either untrue (like him being responsible for the beats and rhymes and showing up in the background to some Eminem videos) or just plain nonsensical (like quitting D12 and forming a group with The Real Roxanne). Before the song ends, there’s this weird boy band breakdown that showcases Eminem’s awful singing and a pointless parody of Kelis’ Milkshake. It’s like this song was composed by someone with ADHD. No, I take that back because that would be an insult to people who have ADHD. This is just plain incompetent.
You all remember Jessica Simpson, right? Of course, you do. Nowadays, people know her more for being a punching bag of jokes than a singer, which wasn’t helped by the Newlyweds show she had with then-husband Nick Lachey (from 98°). That’s sad because if you listen to some of her earlier songs, she is a good singer. It’s just that most of the material she’s given doesn’t do her justice. And then we have With You. This song just doesn’t work for Jessica. The production is weak, weak, weak, weak with guitars and percussion so paper-thin that it would get swept away by a breeze. Vocally, Jessica doesn’t sound comfortable. It’s too constraint and limited and that’s not good for someone like her. Jessica Simpson’s voice works better on ballads. She doesn’t have the power of Mariah or Whitney, but she is a belter by nature and you need music that could match that vocal power, not this low-rate Radio Disney shlock. Wanna know something funny? She presents this song as the “real Jessica.” I would press the “BULLSHIT” button, but I don’t think it could take that much bullshit. Yeah, when you’re worth millions of dollars and are generating tons of publicity, you can’t try to sell yourself as humble. Get this manufactured piece of crap out of here.
Whenever I run into a song I’ve done a Target Practice on, it’s like meeting an old friend you haven’t seen in a while. Earlier this year, I reviewed Why by Jadakiss and Anthony Hamilton in a Target Practice. It was Jadakiss switching up from the hardcore street shit into something more social-political and it fails big-time. Here, Jada is asking a bunch of questions starting with “why” and while a few of them are legitimate, most of them shows Jada’s ignorance and it’s clear he has no idea what the hell he’s talking about.
And why them dudes ain’t ridin’ if there part of your set
And why they never get it poppin’ but they party to death
Why you ain’t stackin’ instead of tryin’ to be fly
Why is rattin’ at an all time high
Why are you even alive
Why a nigga always want what he can’t have
Why I can’t come through in the pecan Jag
Why they didn’t make the CL6 wit a clutch
And if you don’t smoke why the hell you reachin’ for my dutch
Why you screamin’ like it’s slug, it’s only the hawk
Why my buzz in L.A. ain’t like it is in New York
Stupid question after stupid question. And these are questions that shouldn’t even be asked. The sad part is that the hook from Anthony Hamilton does a damn good job at raising a question that’s actually relevant to society, plus, the beat is pretty good, too. Unfortunately, it doesn’t mean a thing when it’s used for this. This goes to prove that good intentions don’t always make good songs.
I just realized that Chingy’s big hits revolve around women. Case in point, One Call Away. This is a rap “love” song that is so generic and pandering to mainstream radio, it might as well be a blueprint for other mainstream rap “love” songs. It details Chingy meeting a chick that he wants to bone and he tries to play it off like he doesn’t want sex, but it’s clear that he does, especially in his responses to the hints that this unnamed chick gives him. He’s not a player like he says he is. There’s a gross aura surrounding the song and it’s thanks to Chingy himself, who’s as unflattering as ever. Every time he’s rapping, for some reason, he puts more emphasis on the last word of his lines, which gets irritating real quick and makes it sound like he’s got the hiccups. Also, the beat is generic as fuck and the hook is crap. Hell, I didn’t even know what this J Weav guy was saying until I looked it up on Rap Genius.
Gimme a call if you wanna come roll with me
I’m only one call away
Looking at this and hearing the hook, I’m not even sure they’re even the same thing. Maybe my ears are bad, but what’s being said doesn’t match and it’s hard for me to tell when Chingy won’t shut the fuck up. Regardless, this song can suck a big one.
I never really cared for Ciara. I’m not saying she’s bad, she’s a decent singer and a great dancer, but in terms of her music, she’s just not my cup of tea. Her first big hit was Goodies and dear Odin, did this annoy the living hell out of me. I never liked this song even back then and nothing has changed since then. I wouldn’t have mind the beat if it didn’t have that high-pitched whistling synth that goes on and on throughout the entire thing. And then you have Ciara singing like she ran for 5 miles before hitting the studio. That with the high-pitched synth doesn’t make for a good audio combination while Ciara is letting the listener know that she’s not willing to just have sex with anyone and rejects any advances from men. That premise isn’t bad, but like a lot of bad songs with good ideas, the execution let it down. We also get an obligatory rap feature from Petey Pablo, who is pretty meh here. I heard this song was a response to Yeah, Petey Pablo’s Freek-A-Leek, and a bunch of crunk songs that had revolved around sex, which makes sense considering the content. Hell, this could’ve been a great song if it wasn’t for the sound. Ciara’s music would get better after this song and ironically, would embrace sex. Guess she was ready to give up the goodies after all.
Dear heavenly Jesus. This shit is atrocious. I… I don’t even know what to make of it. You ever see or hear something so ungodly terrible that it’s beyond words? Well, I think I just came across something like that and it’s called Milkshake by Kelis. One thing you might notice about the song is its production. It was done by The Neptunes, who are normally great producers, but something went wrong here because this is one of their worst beats ever. The buzzing synths and jungle percussion just doesn’t mix well with each other, it’s just an ugly sound that just creates misery out of those who hear it. I refuse to believe that any human being on Earth can concoct this sound; this has to be the work of aliens who wants to see humans suffer. After all these years, I still have no idea what milkshake means in the context of the song. Is it boobs? Is it ass? Is it actual milkshakes? WHAT?! The lyrics play it up like a typical sex song. Oh, wait. Kelis said in an interview that it’s “the thing that makes women special. It’s what gives us our confidence and what makes us exciting.” Way to put it vaguely, Kelis. You didn’t even give an explanation. I get it; some songs are open to any interpretation. But when you don’t even explain the meaning behind your own song and come up with some vague bullshit like this, that’s just laziness on your part. I don’t think I have enough words to describe how shitty this song is. This is what worst songs lists were made for. And there’s two songs worse than this. God help me.
…………… Marshall Bruce Mathers III…
It pains me to put Eminem on a Worst Songs list, but… God, this blows so hard. To quote Todd In The Shadows, with Just Lose It, Eminem just lost it. This is what people who hate Eminem think Eminem sounds like. Desperate, juvenile, and unfunny are perfect adjectives for this song. The beat is some of Dr. Dre’s worst production to date, it has no punch or grit, it’s just nothing. Eminem does the Slim Shady shtick like with My Name Is, The Real Slim Shady, and Without Me, but not only is his rapping stale, but the punchlines all stink and the pop culture references are super-dated, even back in 2004. I mean, seriously. Madonna? MC Hammer? Beavis & Butthead? Is Eminem stuck in the 90s? He even makes a Pee-Wee Herman reference in that awful laugh on the hook. That Pee-Wee laugh is a trigger for nightmares and murder sprees. Oh, wait. But there’s more. There’s a pointless reference to 8 Mile (you know, the movie loosely based on Eminem’s own life?) and unnecessary jabs at Michael Jackson and the child molestation allegations surrounding him. Imagine being Michael at the time and hearing this. Talk about pouring salt to the wound. This was the lead single to Encore, which was a terrible album that showed Eminem at his lowest point. You want to know something even more fucked up? This isn’t even the worst song that Eminem has ever made. There’s a song from him called Fack. If you’ve never heard it, you’re one of the lucky ones. Trust me, if you listen to it, this will be your face throughout.
And now, here are some dishonorable mentions.
- Petey Pablo-Freek-A-Leek
- Beyonce-Naughty Girl
- Christina Millian-Dip It Low
- Ashlee Simpson-Pieces Of Me
- Ludacris-Splash Waterfalls
- Houston ft Chingy, Nate Dogg, & I-20-I Like That
- Ruben Studdard-Sorry 2004
- Nick Cannon ft R Kelly-Gigolo
- Lloyd ft Ashanti-Southside
And finally, the worst song of 2004 IS…………..
Wow, music-buying public of 2004. You were really scraping the bottom of the barrel for hits, were ya? Ladies and gentlemen, what we have here is a special case. Not only was this a Top 20 hit in the United States, but it hit number one in the U.K., Australia, New Zealand, Germany, Denmark, Italy, Ireland, France, Austria, Belgium, Netherlands, Norway, Switzerland, and Sweden. THIS. SONG. WAS. AN. INTERNATIONAL. HIT. All I gotta ask is… really?! This. Fucking. Song. I have never met anyone that liked it and I’m guessing that those that do like it know it’s crap, but they like it ironically. For those not in the know, this dick-cheese is named Eamon and this song from him is called Fuck It (I Don’t Want You Back). This is the IDFWU of 2004 as it’s three minutes and 45 seconds of this dude throwing dirt at his ex-girlfriend, who he found out cheated on him, while whining, “I NEVER LOVED YOU ANYWAYS, YOU WHORE!!” Honestly, I don’t know why this chick would want to be in a relationship with this guy since he’s such an insufferable prick. She deserves better than this. And then there’s the excessive profanity. Look, I have no problem with profanity in music. Hell, I swear a lot and I also listen to hip-hop, which is filled with profanity. But there comes a time where you have to tone it down a bit, otherwise, it would feel forced and contrived like this piece of shit. I would talk about the production, but it’s so fucking boring and I’m constantly distracted by this bitter douche, who can’t sing to save his goddamn life. Yeah, his voice is unlistenable and makes him even more whiny. You want to know the names of some of his other songs? Well, there’s Ass Is Fat, Get Off My Dick, I Rather Fuck With You, and my personal favorite, I Love Them Ho’s. Lovely. Congratulations to Fuck It (I Don’t Want You Back) for being the worst song of 2004.
So those were the ten worst songs of 2004. Next month, BACK TO THE 2000s continues with the Worst Songs of 2005.
SONGS OF THE WEEK
Float On-Modest Mouse
Take Me Out-Franz Ferdinand
Heaven-Los Lonely Boys
Mr. Brightside-The Killers