2005. What an interesting year 2005 was. The year that I started middle school and George Bush started his second term as president has been a polarizing one from what I’ve seen. Bennett The Sage called it the worst year in pop music history while others don’t think the year was that bad. Me personally? It’s somewhere in the middle, leaning more towards the bad. For me, 2005 was the beginning of what I’d like to call one of the dark years of popular music that would last for five more years. Why I call it that will be explained in the next list. For now, let’s go through the atrocities that plagued the airwaves of 2005.
Here’s something you don’t see often on the pop charts, a song about getting older. In a landscape full of fresh, young faces singing about how great youth is, As Good As I Once Was by Toby Keith stands out the most. This would be perfect if the song was good, but as you can see, this isn’t a list about good songs. So why is As Good As I Once Was here? Well, even though there’s nothing wrong with the instrumentation (even if it is a bit basic) and the concept isn’t bad, it all comes down to the lyrics. In the song, Toby Keith is at a bar trying to recapture his youth, hitting on some chicks and also getting into bar fights. Let me remind you that at the time of this song’s release, Toby would have been 44 years old and he’s also a father of three. I understand being nostalgic about times when you were younger and was much better at physical activities, but don’t try to do the same things you did 20 years ago. Eventually, you’re gonna be that old grandpa in the club trying to be hip with the millennials. Sometimes, you have to know your limits, especially when you’re past your prime.
With a good number of popular songs using Auto-Tune to some extent, I think it’s appropriate to go back to a time when heavy use got started. Enter T-Pain, who’s one of the only artists to use Auto-Tune not as a crutch, but as a tool to add personality to his tracks alongside Kanye. But there are songs from him that don’t work, including I’m Sprung. This is a tale about T-Pain meeting a woman who excites his little Mini-Me. They get into the relationship and he’s become instantly whipped. Turns out this woman is a manipulative bitch who forced him to ditch his friends for her and has him doing things he would never do like washing dishes. *gasps* Not the dishes. But there’s no love in the relationship, so they break up. T-Pain feels great about it, but then he wants to get back with the chick because reasons. I honestly don’t feel any sympathy for T-Pain because he put himself in this situation and it’s clear that he just wants some nookie. He just comes off as pathetic. Add in the fact that this chick never loved him and was just using him for her own benefits and it’s clear that it wasn’t meant to be. Aside from the song being poorly-written/framed and the hook a bit repetitive, the use of Auto-Tune in this song isn’t that good. It’s like T-Pain just discovered Auto-Tune for the first time and is trying to figure out how it works. Man, this was not a good first impression for him at all.
Before he became the unlikable cum-stain that he is today, Chris Brown in 2005 was one of music’s biggest new acts. And (can’t believe I’m saying this) there was a time where I actually liked a good chunk of his music. Even with that, I never liked his debut single Run It. Paired with an irritating, weaksauce Scott Storch beat, Chris shows off one of his worst vocal performances at the time with his mouse-screech singing. It’s like he’s taunting the listener with what sounds like a cat being thrown into an incinerator. And of course, the song is him attempting to steal another man’s girlfriend at the club. Joyful. It’s nice to know that Chris Brown has always been a prick since the beginning. We also have the obligatory rap feature with two verses from Juelz Santana.
Check it, Check it, Check it out
It’s Santana again
Stepping, Stepping, Stepping out
One of them Brand new big boy toys
I do big boy things
I make big boy noise cuz…
I know what girls want…
I know what they like
They wanna stay up , and party all night
so bring a friend
Make it drop honey…
Make it pop honey…
Tick, tock to the clock for me
don’t stop doing that
and shawty know I mean what I say so she won’t stop doing that
Plus I heard if you can dance you can fuck
Well dance, time is up, let’s go, let’s go (yup)
we can get it in…
we can gets some friends
do it like the ying yang twins and start
wait ’til you see my….
wait ’til you see my…
let me fall back
You ain’t ready for all that
have you sleep late
yeah taking a long nap
you tell your friends…
to get wit my friends
we can be friends
switch and meet friends (switch)
we can do it all night long, and…
’til the clock hit morning ya dig
And they’re a complete waste of time. Best thing I can say about Run It overall? It’s not the worst song that Chris Brown has ever made. No, this boy would make worse songs as he gets older.
Man, this song was EVERYWHERE back in the day and I got sick of hearing it constantly. Even taking away the overplay, The Click Five’s Just The Girl is just not a good song. The instrumentation was okay, even if it sounds like nearly every other pop rock song of the time. But what makes this song crap is, of course, the lyrics. We have an easily-impressed wimp of a guy who falls for a woman who is pretty much the worst person you could ever meet. This woman treats the guy like crap every moment they meet each other and in spite of this, he’s still madly in love with her. Dude, take a hint. She’s not into you. There’s plenty of other fish in the sea, especially those who’ll treat you like a decent human being. I’m fully aware of the whole “forbidden love” thing and there are people who like someone who’s unpredictable because it brings some excitement to the relationship, but here’s the thing: that shit wears off after a while. My advice to this dude: find someone else because this demon bitch won’t be a positive influence on your life. And this will be the last time we’ll hear from The Click Five. Oh, well.
Here’s a name that’s synonymous with the 2000s: Mike Jones.
Mike Jon-forget about it. At the time, the drug-influenced chopped-and-screwed sound from Houston was all the rage in hip-hop and we started seeing more rappers from the city gain mainstream attention: Slim Thug, Paul Wall, Chamillionaire, and the aforementioned Mike Jones, who makes an appearance on this list with Back Then. This song is basically a precursor to This Is Why I’m Hot by MIMS, where Mr. Jones here talks about how before he became famous, women didn’t want anything to do with him, but once he became a famous rapper, now they’re all over his dick. This song has all of the cliches of most mainstream hip-hop: money, cars, and good ol’ misogyny. Are these women shallow for only caring about this dude when he made it big? Yeah, but calling them hoes doesn’t exactly make you the better person. Maybe this could be excused if Mike Jones was a good rapper. But considering that in this song, he rhymes words that don’t rhyme and repeats the same lines two or three times to fill up space, that’s not the case. Plus, he always sounds like he’s constipated, like he’s recording these songs in the bathroom. I’m glad Mike Jones is no longer a thing because there’s other Houston rappers out there who does what he’s trying to do, but better.
I can’t stand the Pussycat Dolls. No surprise there. Just like with Britney Spears, they were the perfect example of the music industry overlooking talent for image. This was a girl group that actually started off as a burlesque troupe, but then some greedy wisecrack decided, “we can make pop stars out of these girls,” and turned into the Spice Girls, but more sexualized and with no personality. Their breakout single is called Don’t Cha and it’s certified garbage. The production is terrible, it’s like someone heard Milkshake and said, “let’s recreate this beat,” resulting in this jumble of synths and jungle percussion. The singing isn’t that great. Fun fact: during a Behind The Music special, Nicole Scherzinger admitted that all of the vocals on all of the Pussycat Dolls songs were done by her. So basically, every PCD song is a solo song from her with backing vocals. No wonder this group was so bland. Here’s what might be a minor issue, the lyrics suck like a Hoover vacuum. It’s an ego trip where Nicole Scherzinger is talking to a guy about how hot she is and she implies that the guy should leave his girlfriend for her.
Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?
Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me?
Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?
Basically, it’s another “I can steal someone else’s partner” song. Goody. And we also have another tacked-on rap feature, this time, from Busta Rhymes, who is so out of place that it seems like he wrote his verses for another song. The Pussycat Dolls would score more hits as the decade continued on. Growing up at this time was hell for me.
Another day, another Worst Songs list, another Nickelback song. Now this band has made a lot of terrible songs through the years and Photograph is one of their more infamous ones. All of the things that makes Nickelback Nickelback are present here. The instrumentation is uninspired, dull, and is derivative from most of their other songs. The writing is Chad Kroeger talking to an old friend about their childhood, showing off photographs from their youth, which should be nostalgic, but it sounds more painful thanks to Chad’s death screech of a singing voice. Seriously, does this guy sing in any way other than “pissing out a kidney stone the size of a golf ball?” It’s worse when he says, “LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH!!” It’s like he combined all of the pain that he experienced through his entire life (plus, ours) into that sentence. Chad Kroeger has officially out-Boltoned Michael Bolton. This song can eat all of the dicks in the world.
You all knew this was coming. By now, you’ve read my Target Practice on this song (if not, read it here) and you were expecting it to make an appearance on the list. Well, here it is, Gwen Stefani’s Hollaback Girl. First off, The Neptunes did a HORRIBLE job with this beat. Never would I have thought that preset synths and marching instruments could leave a headache the size of Texas, but this song proved me wrong. There’s only one word in the dictionary that perfectly describe Hollaback Girl: pathetic. This shit is just plain pathetic. You have an overgrown woman-child in her mid-30s who is dissing haters and picking fights with goddamn cheerleaders. All of this because Courtney Love didn’t say nice things about her in an interview with Rolling Stone magazine. What kind of person does that? I expect this kind of behavior from rappers, not the lead singer of No Doubt. Plus, there are lines that don’t make sense. What the flying hell is a hollaback girl? And there is no point in this shit:
Let me hear you say this shit is bananas
(This shit is bananas)
This shit is bananas
(This shit is bananas)
*sigh* Go check out my Target Practice on this song because I’ve said everything that needed to be said about it. Overall, this song blows ass.
Here’s another song that… pretty much everyone saw coming. There was no way that I would do a list like this and not mention My Humps. Everyone and their mothers have torn this piece of shit apart and for good reasons. This was the song where the quality of the Black Eyed Peas’ music went downhill. Before, they were a harmless pop rap group who made some decent records. Hell, I actually like the Elephunk album. As for My Humps? Zilch. This is bad all around. The production is cheap and limp with lackluster synths and percussion, like something an amateur would make on Garageband. The entire song is Fergie bragging about how hot she is while being aware that a lot of guys are so attracted to her lovely lady lumps that they’re willing to spend all of their money to buy her expensive gifts. She accepts the gifts, but she isn’t giving up the cooch. The problem here is that Fergie delivers all of this in such a smug, cynical, holier-than-thou way that it paints her more as a bitch and there’s few things worse than a hot woman with an ugly personality. will.i.am shows up as the hype-man for the song and as for Taboo and apl.de.ap? Well, who gives a fuck about them? Did I ever mentioned that the lyrics are ass? Repetition, rhyming words with themselves, and rhyming words that don’t even rhyme. There are so many lyrical fuck-ups that I could do an entire Random WTF Lyrics post on this song alone or a Target Practice. Just incompetence all around.
Before we get to number one, let’s go through some dishonorable mentions.
- 50 Cent ft Olivia-Candy Shop
- Bobby Valentino-Slow Down
- Fat Joe ft Nelly-Get It Poppin’
- Pretty Ricky-Your Body
- Jesse McCartney-Beautiful Soul
- John Mayer-Daughters
- Natalie-Goin’ Crazy
- Ja Rule ft R. Kelly & Ashanti-Wonderful
- 112-U Already Know
- Webbie ft Bun B-Give Me That
And finally, the worst song of 2005 IS…………..
Your eyes aren’t deceiving you, folks. The worst of 2005 is a tie between three hip-hop sex songs that makes my skin crawl. Anytime I hear these songs, I feel like I need a shower afterwards. Let’s start off with Trillville’s Some Cut. Oh, boy. Do we have ourselves a song. The first thing you might’ve noticed about Some Cut is its production. Nothing in the production stands out except for the squeaking bed mattress sample that goes on throughout most of the song. It’s really annoying and it serves no purpose but to distract you from the lyrics, which are a real gem. It’s a song about fucking and it has lines about getting up in a chick’s guts (which is humanly impossible), following them at the mall (which doesn’t sound creepy at all), and ejaculating so much that semen gets everywhere in the room (do I even need to explain this one?). The lyrics are so ridiculously over-the-top that you’d think it was a satire of rap songs about sex, but there’s no sense of self-awareness; it’s played so serious and straight that it eliminates any possibility of this song being a joke, an intentionally funny one. Am I the only one who thinks that David Banner’s Play and Ying Yang Twins’ Wait (The Whisper Song) sound exactly the same? For the longest time, I thought these were the same song, but they’re not. It’s easy to confuse the two because they’re both performed in a creepy, whispery tone like they’re in a horror movie, they both have disgusting lyrics, and both are produced by Mr. Collipark. Difference is that in Play, there’s that irritating kick-cymbal sound that’s present in a lot of Collipark-produced singles, plus, bleeping synths, minimal percussion, and moaning sounds to go along with graphic lyrics describing female masturbation and explicit sex. You know this line?
Work them hips
Well, that was from the clean version, the version that I’ve heard for the longest time. Here’s the explicit version.
Work that clit
Feeling sick to your stomach? Me, too. In Wait (The Whisper Song), the production is the same bass and percussion loop over and over again with hi-hats in the second part of the chorus. It’s some of the most amateurish production I have ever heard in a mainstream song. The scenario that’s been presented in this song is one of the Ying Yang Twins are in the club and they creep up behind an attractive woman and whisper in her ear things that, in reality, would most likely get you karate-chopped in the balls.
Hey how you doin lil mama? lemme whisper in your ear
Tell you sumthing that you might like to hear
You got a sexy ass body and your ass look soft
Mind if I touch it? and see if its soft
Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick
Wait til you see my dick
Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick
Imma beat dat pussy up
Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick
Wait you see my dick
Ay bitch! wait til you see my dick
Imma beat dat pussy up
Like B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM, B-AM
Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy up, Beat da pussy
Up, Beat da pussy up
Walk around the club with yo thumb in ya mouth
Put my dick in, take your thumb out
How charming. This song and the previous two are the perfect soundtrack for rapists at the club who put roofies in girls’ drink and wait on the opportunity to pounce on them. They’re also a great example of how NOT to make a sex song. Ick. Congratulations to Some Cut, Play, and Wait (The Whisper Song) for being the worst songs of 2005.
So those were the worst songs of 2005. Next month, BACK TO THE 2000s will continue with the Worst Songs of 2006.
SONGS OF THE WEEK
Two Weeks-FKA Twigs
Dark Again-Gold Fields
Come With Me Now-KONGOS