Welcome to the first Billboard Hot 100 Top 40 Review of 2017, where we’ll look at the 40 most popular songs in the U.S. at the time of this post. Because Monday was a holiday, I had to further delay this post, but now that we’re here, let’s get started.
#40. You Was Right-Lil Uzi Vert: Of course, we start things off with the trash, courtesy of Lil Uzi Vert of the 2016 XXL Freshman class. Look, it’s a new year and I’m trying hard not to come off as a hater of modern hip-hop hits, but dear God, these songs aren’t making it easy for me to like them. Take, for example, You Was Right, which is a failed attempt to apologize to his girlfriend for cheating on her. Hell, he doesn’t even apologize at all, he just admitted to cheating with as much interest as watching paint dry. It reeks of douchebaggery and while I don’t condone violence, it really makes you want to find this guy and punch him in the face for the venom he spews. Aside from that, the rest of the song is boring with its snooze-inducing Metro Boomin’ beat and Lil Uzi drenched in Auto-Tune with his lazy raps. This has no business being on the charts as it sounds no different than the other run-of-the-mill trap songs out there. This shit gets an F. Fuck off.
#39. OOOUU-Young M.A.: F
#38. Cold Water-Major Lazer ft Justin Bieber & MØ: C
#37. Chill Bill-Rob $tone ft J Davi$ & Spooks: C
#36. X-21 Savage & Metro Boomin ft Future: And now for the most boring new rapper from 2016 (which is saying a lot), 21 Savage. His distinction is that according to him, he make murder music. You know. Just like most gangsta rap/trap music. Even with that, he’s the most boring modern rapper since Post Malone and, funny enough, he’s in the Top 40 thanks to the most boring rapper/producer duo ever in Metro Boomin’ and Future. This is X, an ode to stunting on your ex-girlfriend that’s about as likable and interesting as bread mold. There’s not much to the song, it has all of the rap cliches you’d expect in modern mainstream hip-hop and a beat that literally sounds like a lullaby. 21 Savage sounds like he just woke up from bed after taking some NyQuil and then there’s Future… being Future. This is an empty, boring shell of a song with no purpose for existing. Why do people like guys like him and Lil Uzi Vert again? I give it an F.
#35. The Greatest-Sia ft Kendrick Lamar: D
#34. In The Name Of Love-Martin Garrix & Bebe Rexha: B
#33. Water Under The Bridge-Adele: And now we take a break from the crap because one of my favorite songs off of 25 is in the Top 40. You have no idea how happy I am to see this. It has some pretty damn excellent production rooted in a frolicking guitar melody and piano textures. But what makes this song great is the writing, dealing with a relationship that’s near the end and Adele wanting acknowledgment that it meant something. I really respect that this topic is dealt with in a mature and dignified fashion. If this sticks around, it might end up being the Best Song of 2017. Who know what the future has in store for us. I give this an A.
#32. Don’t Let Me Down-The Chainsmokers ft Daya: D
#31. Say You Won’t Let Go-James Arthur: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…………….
GAAAH!! What the hell? I guess I was dozing off thanks to this James Arthur song. It’s so boring and uneventful. It’s a typical WGWAG ballad topped with piano notes while James decides he wants to spend the rest of his life with some woman after a night of partying. It’s obviously going to the Ed Sheeran route without the sincerity or sharp writing that makes most of Ed Sheeran’s songs work (we’ll get to Ed in a bit). This isn’t bad, but there isn’t anything to it. I give it a D.
#30. Love Me Now-John Legend: D
#29. Blue Ain’t Your Color-Keith Urban: F
#28. This Town-Niall Horan: F
#27. Cheap Thrills-Sia ft Sean Paul: B
#26. Threat You Better-Shawn Mendes: F
#25. Can’t Stop The Feeling-Justin Timberlake: C
#24. All Time Low-Jon Bellion: B
#23. Mercy-Shawn Mendes: D
#22. I Feel It Coming-The Weeknd ft Daft Punk: A
#21. Starving-Haliee Steinfeld & Grey ft Zedd: F
#20. Broccoli-D.R.A.M. ft Lil Boat: C
#19. Love On The Brain-Rihanna: A
#18. Heathens-Twenty One Pilots: C
#17. JuJu On That Beat-two bum rappers: F
#16. Bounce Back-Big Sean: D
#15. Caroline-Amine: F
#14. Let Me Love You-DJ Snake ft Justin Bieber: F
#13. Scars To Your Beautiful-Alessia Cara: C
#12. I Don’t Wanna Live Forever-Zayn & Taylor Swift: So next month, the sequel to the Fifty Shades Of Grey movie, Fifty Shades Darker, will be released in theaters. No, I’m not gonna watch it. I didn’t watch the first one, I’m not wasting my time with the second. There’s not a single human being on Earth who unironically likes this series. Even the people who likes it admits it’s crap. Anywho, with the release of this sequel, expect there to be music from the soundtrack on the charts, starting with this collaboration with Zayn and Taylor Swift. I didn’t expect much and I wasn’t disappointed because this song isn’t good at all. The production is dull and messy. There’s no chemistry between Zayn and Taylor as they were both forgettable at best. This song overall has no punch to it, a feather has more impact than this. It’s a complete waste of time. I give it an F.
#11. Fake Love-Drake: F
#10. Bad Things-Machine Gun Kelly ft Camila Cabello: F
#9. Side To Side-Ariana Grande f Nicki Minaj: C
#8. Don’t Wanna Know-The Adam Levine Show ft Kendrick Lamar: F
#7. 24K Magic-Bruno Mars: A
#6. Castle On The Hill-Ed Sheeran: A few weeks ago, Ed Sheeran released two songs that would be lead singles for his next album called ÷ (divide). Out of these two songs, Castle On The Hill is easily the best one. For one, the production rocks. The shimmering guitars, the pumping drums, and the explosive chorus. This is something U2 would make in their best days. Meanwhile, Ed Sheeran puts on his best vocal performances to date as he reminisce on his hometown of Framlingham. While it’s not the big number one hit from Ed (we’ll get to that in a bit), this is probably one of the closest modern pop will ever get to being truly anthemic and I hope it sticks around because it’s fantastic. Hell, it might be a contender for Best Song of 2017. I give it an A.
#5. Closer-The Chainsmokers ft Halsey: F
#4. Starboy-The Weeknd ft Daft Punk: A
#3. Black Beatles-Rae Shitheads ft Gucci Mane: F
#2. Bad & Boujee-Amigos ft Lil Uzi Vert: F
#1. Shape Of You-Ed Sheeran: At last, Ed Sheeran gets his first number one single. Sadly, it’s one of his weakest songs. First off, the tropical sound is starting to get played out and this minimalist plastic production isn’t helping. It’s like it’s trying to recreate the Carribean vibe, but it doesn’t feel real at all. Meanwhile, Ed is hitting on some chick at a club and it’s just plain sleazy and not in a good way. While I’m happy that Ed Sheeran is number one and not Migos or Rae Dum-Dum, I’m disappointed that it was for something that’s mediocre. Good God, Ed. You’re better than this. I give it a D.
Water Under The Bridge
Castle On The Hill
You Was Right
So those were the Top 40 songs on the Billboard Hot 100 as of January 18, 2017. Stay tuned next month when I do another Top 40 Review. This week, a Target Practice on Bad Things.