Worst Songs List

Top 10 List: Worst Songs of 2009

Dear Jesus, 2009 sucks a big one. Looking back at the year, it was mostly an ocean of forgettable-to-terrible songs. More club songs, more Auto-Tune, more excess, and less effort. Every genre had it bad. Pop was monotonous, R&B was flawed and nonexistent, and hip-hop was obnoxious. It wasn’t the best way to end a decade is what I’m trying to say. This is probably the most difficult list I have ever done so far because there’s so many awful songs from the year that I wanted to tear apart. I’ve gone through at least 20 revisions and I wasn’t satisfied with what I created. Eventually, I got my shit together and created a final draft that I was most satisfied with. Some of the songs, I might do Target Practices on in the future. Let’s go through this list together.

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10.

A teenager stands in front of a building with block windows, while on handlebars of a bicycle and wearing a jacket and fitted hat.

I’m genuinely amazed that Justin Bieber has stuck around as long as he did. I thought he was just gonna be another kid star whose fame would fade by the time he’s at drinking age. Nostradamus, I am not. There was a time where making fun of him was a trend and it had gotten out of control. Setting aside outside forces and any hyperbole, Bieber’s music was legitimately bad. Take, for instance, his debut single One Time. It’s pretty much like a lot of the shit he made when he was a teenager, a generic teen-pop love song. The beat is cheap and dated as fuck, it doesn’t hold up in hindsight. I’m not gonna say that Bieber’s voice makes him sound like he was castrated at birth with a cooling iron because everyone else already said it, but it doesn’t change the fact that his singing is ear-piercingly shit. And the lyrics SUUUUUUUUCK.

Me plus you, I’ma tell you one time

Add to that the forced use of slang like shawty.

Whatever you want shawty I’ll give it to you

Shawty right there
She’s got everything I need

C’mon, son. This shit is lame as fuck and you know it. Whoever wrote these lines needs to be fired. Get this processed Radio Disney bullshit out of here.

9.

Sugar (Flo Rida song).jpg

And now for another song from the blandest rapper to ever hit number one, Flo Rida. Once again, instead of picking the number one hit (which would be Right Round), I’m going with the lesser-known, even worse hit single Sugar. Boy, do we have a treat. First off, the song rips off Blue (Da Ba Dee) by Eiffel 65 for no reason. Way to make an annoying song even worse. Also, the beat is sugarcoated pop shit with airy synths, dull piano, popping percussion, and weird breathing sounds on the offbeat that doesn’t mix well with each other. The chorus is obnoxious as fuck with Wynter Gordon singing in Auto-Tune. Do I really have to talk about Flo Rida himself? He’s a non-presence saying nothing of importance. Why did we let this guy have a career again?

8.

WhatchaSay.jpg

Be honest: you were all waiting for this song. Hell, I was waiting for this list to talk about this song. Whatcha Say is the debut single of Jason Derulo. How do I talk about a song that many people have already talked about? Well, let’s start with the production. It’s done by J.R. Rotem, who decided to rip off the chorus to Imogen Heap’s Hide And Seek and pitch-shift it to near-chipmunk levels. It doesn’t help that the beat is dull as fuck and Jason Derulo’s vocals are buried in Auto-Tune. But now let’s get into the lyrics. Here, we have a situation where Derulo cheated on his girlfriend and makes a failed attempt to apologize. He begs her not to leave because he loves her or some bullshit. The fact that it’s clear that he doesn’t feel any remorse for his actions and refuse to take any accountability paints him as a grade A+ piece of shit human being. Oh, and Derulo? You must be on meth if you think that buying her love is gonna make her stay. Fuck. Off.

7.

JeremihBirthdaySex.jpg

I’m actually amazed by the number of acts from 2009 who managed to stick around. Some of them, I wish didn’t like Jeremih, the most bland and boring R&B singer of recent memory. And of course, he leaves a sour first impression with Birthday Sex, which is basically:

Image result for dick in a box
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! HERE’S YOUR PRESENT, MY PENIS!!”

Seriously, what’s so special about fucking on your birthday? Unless that’s the only time y’all fuck, it’s completely pointless. The entire song is made creepier by the beat. I’ve said this once, I’ll say it again; unless you’re intentionally making horror music, DON’T PUT FUCKING MUSIC BOXES INTO YOUR BEATS!! It only creates an ominous feel that’s uncomfortable to listen to, not helping is Jeremih’s confrontational tone. He’s seconds away from say, “NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP, BITCH, AND LET ME BEAT THAT PUSSY UP!!” But that’s not even the worse part of the song. No, that goes to…

It’s your birthday so I know you want to ri-i-ide out
Even if we only go to my-y-y house
Sip more weezy as we sit upon my-y-y couch
Feels good but I know you want to cry-y-y out

Girl you know I-I-I
Girl you know I-I-I

Did he swallow a fucking goat? Who heard this and thought, “This is fine. Leave it on the record.” You take out that, plus the creepy tone and music box and you’re left with one of the most forgettable R&B hits of the decade.

6.

Every Girl - Single.jpg

I have lost track of how many times I’ve talked about Young Money and its artists. Hell, I’ve spent an entire month doing Target Practices on their songs. Well, here we are looking at YM’s first big hit as a collective, Every Girl. The instrumentation is decent, the synths and strings compliment each other well. But that’s where the praise ends because now, we have to get to the rest of the song, which sucks ass. All of the verses are rapped and sung in Auto-Tune and it’s so distracting with Lil Wayne sounding the worst. Wayne spends too much time describing all of the things he would to vagina including his favorite activity, cunnilingus. In spite of the title of the song, Jae Millz and Gudda Gudda talk about specific girls that they’re into and we get a barrage of unfunny, unoriginal punchlines. Mack Maine wastes time namedropping female celebrities (including telling Miley Cyrus to “holla at him” in three years). Drake has the best verse, but even he has some cringeworthy lines like…

Are any y’all into girls like I am let’s be honest

Let’s be honest? LESBI-HONEST?!

In the hook, the fellas of Young Money just want to fuck every girl in the world. So does that mean you’re willing to hook up with EVERY female, regardless of appearance, age, ethnicity, etc.? Funny enough, this is contradicted with the lyrics, which are more descriptive of the chicks that they want to bone. Young Money: devoid of brains, but they’re rich.

5.

Close up image of the face of a blonde woman. She is looking to the left side of the image. In the center, the words "Britney Spears If U Seek Amy" are written in capital and small letters.

So Britney Spears scored a bunch of stinkers onto 2009’s Year End chart and I was having a difficult time picking which song will make it onto this list. But one song made its case, If U Seek Amy. It seems like Britney’s producers seem to put more emphasis on noise when it comes to the production. We get buzzing synths, blaring horns, and percussion with no cohesive melody that sounds good. Don’t get me started on Britney’s singing. It’s awful. It actively sounds like she’s teasing the listener like she knows that she made a turd and she’s laughing at people who are downloading it to listen. The chorus is set up around a pun, a stupid, uncreative, bottom of the barrel pun.

Love me hate me
Say what you want about me
But all of the boys and all of the girls are
begging to If You Seek Amy
Love me hate me
But can’t you see what I see
All of the boys and all of the girls
are begging to If You Seek Amy

If U Seek Amy. Say that phrase fast and don’t worry about mispronouncing it. If you do it correctly, you’ll get F-U-C-K ME. This was a Top 20 single. If you’re thinking that there’s another meaning to that phrase aside from what you’re obviously thinking, there isn’t. Hey, Britney fans. Was this wash of noise worth the money and time?

4.

Pop Champagne.jpg

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Do I really need to explain what’s wrong with this song? I think it speaks for itself. What in the Nine Realms is this? There’s barely anything to Pop Champagne. The production is just percussion with no flavor and some synths in the chorus. No effort went into this production, it’s like the producer just selected a random unfinished demo and just said, “fuck it.” When doing minimal production, usually, more attention is put onto the performers of the song and man, do these three dudes suck. I don’t know who’s the worst rapper out of Dispet, Jim Jones or Juelz Santana. Honestly, I don’t care because their verses were forgettable. Ron Browz, on the other hand? This dude needs to go. This has to be one of the worst uses of Auto-Tune in a song period. This dude is drowning in so much Auto-Tune that I’m not even sure if there’s even a human voice in there. Not only does he take up most of the song, but he’s also the producer behind the beat. Another fun fact: this guy was the mastermind behind the beats to Big L’s Ebonics, Ludacris’ Blow It Out, and Nas’ Ether. Yep. The man behind Pop Champagne also produced one of the greatest diss tracks in hip-hop history, one that put the term “ether” into the hip-hop dictionary as a reference to brutally dissing someone. THAT man. I need to know what happened that caused this change in his music direction to where he’s making stuff like this.

3.

SouljaBoiTMSO.jpg

Image result for bleeding ears

Thank you, Soulja Boy. Because of you, I’ve lost the ability to hear. Even though I’m now deaf, at least I don’t have to hear anymore of your shitty songs. On a serious note, I originally planned a tie between both Turn My Swag On and Kiss Me Through The Phone, but I left out the latter mostly because it was the least awful song that Soulja Boy made. It still sucks, but it’s more generic than straight-up shit. Plus, I’m planning on doing a Target Practice on it. Now for Turn My Swag On. Sweet Jesus, this is fucking horrible. First off, the beat is a barrage of blaring synths and percussion and it never takes a break. It just keeps blaring on and on until the end of the song. And then there’s Soulja Boy, who opted to sing. Horribly. And not even attempt to be on-key. Every few seconds, he’s shouting YEAH!! and it is torturous as all hell. There’s not much to the lyrics, it’s just more brag rap and money talk. For three and a half minutes, that is what you have to endure. A nonstop noise assault to your ears. How did any functioning human being approve of this crap being made and released? Well, if there’s a silver lining to all of this, this is the last time we’ll see Soulja Boy on the Year End chart and the last time he’ll have a big hit, no matter how hard he tries.

2.

Dont Trust me 30h 3.jpg

Dear God, I hate this shit. If there’s any music act from 2009 that epitomized white frat-boy douchebaggery, it was 3OH!3. This duo were a product of the electro-pop explosion in the late 2000s and they scored a few hits under their belts, including Don’t Trust Me. This sounded like nearly every electro-pop song that came out at the time thanks to the dated-as hell production. The synths and guitar blend into each other, creating a sludgy sound that clashes with the fake drums. Not to mention bad singing from the guys and lyrics that might as well be ripped from an Insane Clown Posse song for how unfunny, disgusting, and sexist they are.

Black dress with the tights underneath,
I got the breath of the last cigarette on my teeth,

Tongues always pressed to your cheeks,
While my tongue is on the inside of some other girl’s teeth,
Tell your boyfriend if he says he’s got beef,
That I’m a vegetarian and I ain’t fucking scared of him.

Don’t trust a hoe,
Never trust a hoe,
Won’t trust a hoe,
Don’t trust me.

And then there’s the bridge.

Shush, girl, shut your lips.
Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips.
I said, shush, girl, shut your lips.
Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips.
I said, shush, girl, shut your lips.
Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips.

What is the point of this bridge? This is what happens when you take a bunch of frat boys and put them into a studio. Garbage like this is concocted and thrown into the airwaves. And this is only at number two. I dread for what’s coming for number one.

Before we get to number one, here are some dishonorable mentions.

DISHONORABLE MENTIONS

  • The Black Eyed Peas-Boom Boom Pow
  • The All-American Rejects-Gives You Hell
  • Jamie Foxx ft T-Pain-Blame It
  • Pitbull-I Know You Want Me/Hotel Room Service
  • Britney Spears-Circus/Womanizer/3
  • Miley Cyrus-Party In The USA
  • Katy Perry-Waking Up In Vegas
  • Lady Gaga-LoveGame
  • Keri Hilson ft Lil Wayne-Turnin Me On
  • Nickelback-Gotta Be Somebody/If Today Was Your Last Day
  • Mario ft Gucci Mane & Sean Garrett-Break Up
  • Veronicas-Untouched
  • Mariah Carey-Obsessed
  • Kristina DeBarge-Goodbye

And finally, the worst song of 2009 IS………………

drum roll

1.

A grayscale image of the upper bust of a woman. She is standing against a wall and she is looking forward, and she wears a T-shirt. At her left, the words "Beyoncé" and "If I Were A Boy" are written in silver capital letters.The black and white portrait of the left side of a woman, who is standing in front of a wall. She wears a black jacket with flames on the front, and jeans and heels of the same color. Next to her image, appear the words "Beyoncé" in silver capital letters, in front of her, and "Diva" in white letters, behind her.

Number one is a double feature courtesy of Beyonce. Even the queens have their off days and when Bey is on her off day, she is REALLY bad. Beyonce tops the list with both If I Were A Boy and Diva, two songs that are terrible for different reasons. If I Were A Boy has great instrumentation and Beyonce’s singing is pretty good, so why is it this high up on the list, you’re probably wondering? Well, it all comes down to the lyrics and how unbelievably sexist they are. Basically, Beyonce pictures what life would be like if she was a guy. The lyrics contain some of the stereotypical things guys do: get drunk, hit on girls, etc. But then she suggest that she could cheat, lie, hurt the one she loves emotionally, have her homies defend her, and not feel any remorse for her actions like a guy would. Because girls would NEVER do any of that EVER. Fuck. You. The way Beyonce tries to put herself in the shoes of guys stinks of a mindset of a grown child who experienced their first heartbreak and has written off men as chauvinistic dog pigs. Beyonce, you can’t bash dudes and write off their actions as “boys will be boys.” It undermines the efforts of responsible grown men who don’t fit into your description of guys while giving a pass to women who are just as guilty of lying, cheating, heartbreaking, etc., as men. This is not helping anyone. And now for Diva. Dear Christ. I’ve covered this song in an early Target Practice post and everything I’ve said about it then still holds. If you were to look up the definition of train wreck in the dictionary, this song should be one of the first examples because it is a disaster on all fronts. The beat is a nightmare, produced by Bangladesh. It has the same snare-kick drum formula as A Milli and Break Up, only even worse with squeaking synths and pitch-shifted vocals repeating the phrase “I’m a diva” throughout the entire song. It’s just a nauseating, headache-inducing listen every single time and the lyrics are just as bad. It’s your typical bragging, but Beyonce is trying way too hard to convince us that a diva is, in her words, a female version of a hustler, which is not true at all. Basically, Diva is built on a lie. This is the worst song that Beyonce has ever made…

Beyonce 711.png
Fuck, I forgot this existed.

Congratulations to both If I Were A Boy and Diva for being the worst songs of 2009.

So those were the worst songs from 2009. Next month, BACK TO THE 2000s will conclude with the 100 Best Songs of the 2000s list. It’ll be a huge list, so don’t miss out on it. I’ll be taking a break from posting next week, so keep an eye out on the UPDATES page for future posts.

2009

Peace!!

SONGS OF THE WEEK

All Night-Chance The Rapper ft Knox Fortune

Happy Idiot-TV On The Radio

Day N Nite-Kid Cudi

Green Light-Lorde

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8 thoughts on “Top 10 List: Worst Songs of 2009

  1. Good list. I kind of like some of the Dishonorable Mention songs (Circus, Waking Up in Vegas, LoveGame, Untouched), but they’re nothing I’m too crazy about. Thanks for reminding me about Day ‘n’ Nite, I added it to my 00s playlist.

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  2. Surprised yet again about your number one choice, mostly because I used to like If I Were A Boy when I was younger, but then I realized how awful the lyrics are. And Beyonce really needs to look up hustler in a dictionary. At least Halo is good though.

    Also surprised at Party in the USA being a DHM, because I consider it to be worse than 7 Things. Some of the lyrics make no goddamn sense either: “Nodding my head like yeah/Moving my hips like yeah”? The hell’s that meant to mean?!

    And clever use of a song title there, Britney. Gee, I could have never figured that out. *sarcasm*

    On a final note, it’s a nice change that you’re doing the Worst of the 80s lists twice a month instead of monthly. Now I won’t have to wait all month for one of your lists! Plus, my mother’s a big fan of the 80s period so this should be very interesting.

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  3. Looking back, if you told me back in 2009 that Jason Derulo, Flo-Rida Justin Bieber and Jeremih would stick around and all still be relevant in 2017, I would’ve said you were crazy. These were the last people I expected to still have a career beyond 2009 or 2010. Funny how things work out.

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  4. Great List, agree with nearly all of it. The only disagreements I would say are Birthday Sex (I know it’s not good, but it ain’t half bad, especially compared to some of the other stinkers he put out), Party In The USA (annoying, but catchy), Gives You Hell, LoveGame and Boom Boom Pow (which are just meh to me), and I Know You Want Me (it’s stupid, but it’s catchy). I personally didn’t hate the year as much as you did. If I Were A Boy would’ve been a good song if it was called something else and had a good story that wasn’t so sexist. 3 Oh! 3 looking back, were pretty much LMFAO and The Lonely Island without any personality or likability. I don’t like LMFAO at all, but at least they had one good song in Party Rock and at least I could see some of their appeal, unlike 3 Oh! 3. And thank goodness Soulja Boy didn’t have any more hits after 2009. Honestly, the fact that he even had hits after Crank That was a fluke. I thought the year was just mediocre in my opinion. Not good, not bad, just meh. A lot of people say that 2009 was a great for the charts mostly because of the club movement and because music became pop oriented. If you’ve noticed, prior to 2009, the charts were bombarded with hip hop and R&B music for nearly the entire decade. The year is overrated if you ask me. I hated the club movement, I really wanted it to end, it was torturous. But to be fair, ’09 was probably the one year where I can say there were songs I liked from the club era. And at least 2009 wasn’t as bad as 2010, which was a complete attrocity. In any case, great list Really looking forward to your 100 best list. Should be great.

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  5. Every single disagreement I have is in the DHMs, so I’m not too upset. Gotta say, though, surprised to not see Obsessed at least in the DHMs considering how thoroughly you thrashed it just a week and a half ago.
    And as per usual, thoughts on the following songs that wound up on my list but not yours?

    Worst:
    *Miley Cyrus – The Climb
    *The-Dream – Rockin’ That Thang

    Best:
    *Lady GaGa – Poker Face
    *Shinedown – Second Chance
    *Beyonce – Sweet Dreams
    *Michael Franti & Spearhead ft. Cherine Anderson – Say Hey (I Love You)
    *Rob Thomas – Her Diamonds

    (I would’ve included Single Ladies in the best section, but I think it’s pretty safe to assume you think that song is bad)

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