Welcome back to another Top 40 Review where we look at the 40 most popular songs in the US and judge how good, bad, or average they are. Let’s get started.
#40. Bounce Back-Big Sean: D
#39. Can’t Stop The Feeling-Justin Timberlake: C
#38. Now Or Never-Halsey: Well, here’s a name I’ve been trying to forget: Halsey. She’s one of the most boring female singers of our time with nothing interesting to offer. Her first big hit was Closer with The Chainsmokers, which sucks every dick in the world. Now, here she is with Now Or Never, which is a blatant rip-off of Needed Me by Rihanna. That’s all you need to know about this song. A drowsy and desaturated beat, Halsey singing like she has a hay fever, and bland vanilla writing. It’s exactly what I expected out of a Halsey song, pure crap. I give this an F.
#37. I Don’t Wanna Live Forever-Zayn & Taylor Swift: F
#36. Love On The Brain-Rihanna: A
#35. 24K Magic-Bruno Mars: A
#34. Hurricane-Luke Combs: In the world of country, we have Luke Combs with his hit Hurricane, which I wish I could find anything interesting about it. The instrumentation is typical rock country with some fake drums, Luke Combs as a singer doesn’t stand out much, and the writing is nothing special. This is a song that I’ll forget about after hearing it and for that, it gets a D.
#33. Rolex-Ayo & Teo: F
#32. Goosebumps-Travis Scott ft Kendrick Lamar: Maybe it’s because my expectations for mainstream rap now are extremely low, but Goosebumps by Travis Scott ain’t half-bad. It’s still a standard brag rap song with too much Auto-Tune, but something about that trippy production is just hypnotizing and Travis doesn’t sound that bad. Plus, Kendrick Lamar delivering an entertaining guest verse helps. This isn’t a song that I want to listen to 24/7, but I kinda like it. Color me surprised. I give it a B.
#31. In Case You Didn’t Know-Brett Young: Man, country music does not have a good track record when it comes to quality control for their hits. This song does nothing for me. I’m not feeling the instrumentation with those drum machines and synths. The writing is fine and Brett Young isn’t half-bad, but I don’t have a reason to listen to this again. It’s not bad, but it ain’t great, either. I give it a C.
#30. Slide-Calvin Harris ft Frank Ocean & Migos: D
#29. Cold-The Adam Levine Show ft Future: F
#28. Sign Of The Times-Harry Styles: When it comes to popular consensus, I’m not the kind of person whose opinions are molded by them. If I agree or disagree with a lot of people on something, I’ll always have a reason. This brings us to this song from one-fifth of One Direction Harry Styles called Sign Of The Times. People don’t like this song, they LOVE this song. Me, on the other hand? I find it… okay. Just. Okay. The instrumentation is okay, the singing is okay, and the writing is okay. It takes a lot from 70s rock and while I appreciate a good throwback, this song doesn’t do much for me to consider it anything other than okay. It’s a serviceable, okay song that’ll get a C from me. And now, I anticipate the backlash for not loving this song.
#27. Swang-Rae Sremmurd: F
#26. I Feel It Coming-The Weeknd ft Daft Punk: A
#25. T-Shirt-Migos: F
#24. Paris-The Chainsmokers: D
#23. Closer-The Chainsmokers ft Halsey: F
#22. Bad & Boujee-Migos ft Lil Uzi Vert: F
#21. Tunnel Vision-Kodak Black: F
#20. Believer-Imagine Dragons: Either Imagine Dragons were a fluke or they are going through a suck period because so far, I have yet to like a song from them that isn’t It’s Time or Radioactive. Hell, even Demons has worn off on me. The last album they put out was godawful. Maybe they’ll get better with their third album, right? Well, judging by Believer, no. I really don’t like this production. The blocky percussion and buzzing synths doesn’t mesh well with the acoustic guitar. I can’t stand how screechy the vocals are, especially on the chorus. What isn’t helping is the heavy use of reverb that sucks the soul and personality out of the band. This sounds like something that AWOLNATION made and then sent to the Recycle Bin. Fuck this song. I give it an F.
#19. Rockabye-Clean Bandit ft Sean Paul & Anne-Marie: B
#18. Passionfruit-Drake: D
#17. Location-Khalid: C
#16. Congratulations-Post Malone ft Migos: F
#15. Body Like A Back Road-Sam Hunt: F
#14. Issues-Julia Michaels: D
#13. Say You Won’t Let Go-James Arthur: D
#12. DNA-Kendrick Lamar: So DAMN was a damn great album. No surprises here. Once again, Kendrick Lamar delivers another modern-day masterpiece. It’s gonna be tough for any rap album this year to top this. The second track off the album just so happens to be the best song in the Top 20 right now, DNA. This song out-bangs all of the so-called bangers of the past couple of years thanks to one of Mike Will Made-It’s best beats in forever. Seems like either he’s making up for the atrocities he’s made in the past or Kendrick just has a higher standard when it comes to beats that forced him to step up his game. Like a fire-breathing dragon, Kendrick unleashes lethal bars after lethal bars celebrating his blackness and dissing anyone who tries to bring him down, including Geraldo Rivera, the Fox News pundit who said that hip-hop has done more damage to black youth than racism (which is an asinine statement based on no evidence). And when the beat switched up halfway through the track:
I’m calling it: this is the best hit song of 2017 bar none. No other song this year is gonna top it and I don’t care that we’re barely halfway through the year. This is modern hip-hop at its best and unsurprisingly, it gets an A.
#11. Stay-Zedd & Alessia Cara: C
#10. It Ain’t Me-Kygo & Selena Gomez: B
#9. XO Tour Life-Lil Uzi Vert: F
#8. iSpy-KYLE ft Lil Yachty: D
#7. Mask Off-Future: F
#6. Something Just Like This-The Chainsmokers & Coldplay: C
#5. Shape Of You-Ed Sheeran: C
#4. Humble-Kendrick Lamar: A
#3. Despacito-Luis Fonsi & Daddy Yankee: Despacito is the first Spanish song to reach the Top 10 since Macarena topped the charts in 1996. This seems impressive until I realized that I named Macarena the worst hit song of 1996. Not saying that Despacito is bad, but there’s nothing worth caring about in it. It’s pretty much a song about a guy hitting on a chick. The instrumentation is every Latin pop song you’ve heard. Luis Fonsi was okay, nothing special, and Daddy Yankee needs to go away. Speaking of people who need to go away, the only reason the song is this high up is because of a remix with Justin Bieber. Yep. That little turdbag is here and he’s as uninteresting as you’d expect in a phoned-in guest feature that was done purely for crossover appeal. Fucking hell. I give this song a very low D.
#2. That’s What I Like-Bruno Mars: B
#1. I’m The One-DJ Khaled & company: And now for the big one, the newest number one single courtesy of the most useless man in music, DJ Khaled. He summoned into the world an all-star collabo between Bieber, one-third of Migos Quavo, Chance The Rapper, and Lil Wayne. And like most DJ Khaled songs, it SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS. First off, the beat. This shit is clearing ripping off Don’t Mind by Kent Jones (remember that song?). It has the same farting synth notes and is aiming for a tropical sound. Add in an annoying whistling synth and weak, weak, WEAK drums. The premise of the song is “HEY, GIRL!! YOU SHOULD FUCK ME BECAUSE I’M RICH!!” with everyone either being douchebags or acting like douchebags. Bieber was boring as hell, Quavo of Migos fame makes a Bad & Boujee reference because why not capitalize off of your big hit, Chance spitting his worst verse to date, and Lil Wayne puts out another lazy verse that drags on for too long kinda like this song, which is way too long. Every performer is using Auto-Tune, making the song sound worse than it already is. Just like Despacito, it’s only as big as it is because of Bieber. Without him, no one would give a shit about this dreck. It gets an F from me. Congratulations, mainstream music audience, You played yourself.
I’m The One
So those were the Top 40 songs on the Billboard Hot 100 as of May 9, 2017. Stay tuned next month when I do another Top 40 Review. This week, I review Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2 and I’ll post my Worst Songs of 1980 list.