Welcome back to another Top 40 Review where I give my opinions on songs that made it onto the Hot 100’s Top 40, whether they’re good, bad, or neither. Summer is just around the corner, which would be great if I wasn’t attending a summer class and if we’re not gonna be assaulted by a tsunami of mediocre songs being played nonstop throughout the season. Also, XXL just released their 2017 Freshman class list today and OH, BOY. You thought last year was bad? Take a look at this.
I am happy to see KYLE gain recognition and Amine is alright even though I’m not a fan of his. The rest, though? Forget about it. If this is the future of hip-hop, then I don’t want any part of it. Fortunately for me, there’s other styles of rap I can access through the Internet that satisfy my auditory senses and doesn’t make me want to throw my laptop out the window. I’m getting sidetracked, let’s start the reviews.
#40. Magnolia-Playboi Carti: And of course, we start off with one of those Freshmen, Playboi Carti. If you asked me to pick him out from the above image, I couldn’t do it because a lot of these dudes look and sound the same and are generic as fuck. Want proof? Look at indistinguishable generic rap song Magnolia. Piss-poor beat, annoying voice, gimmicky flow, over-reliance on ad-libs, rehashed content, and some bad lyrics. How can I talk about a song that sounds like every other mainstream rap song out there? I give it an F.
#39. T-Shirt-Migos: F
#38. Tunnel Vision-Kodak Black: F
#37. Hurricane-Luke Combs: D
#36. Goosebumps-Travis Scott ft Kendrick Lamar: B
#35. Slide-Calvin Harris ft Frank Ocean & Migos: D
#34. Passionfruit-Drake: D
#33. Swang-Rae Sremmurd: F
#32. Closer-The Chainsmokers ft Halsey: F
#31. Attention-Charlie Puth: Hey, everyone. Charlie Puth has a new song and it’s called Attention. Seems like he’s taking a page out of the Adam Levine book because of how pissy and bitter it is at an ex-girlfriend. But instead of Adam’s falsetto screeching, we get Puth’s pathetic whimpering. I do not sympathize with this dude at all. Not making things better is the processed fake-R&B beat with a weak groove. It’s a weak song musically and an unappealing one content-wise. It gets an F from me.
#30. Bad And Boujee-Migos ft Lil Uzi Vert: F
#29. Swalla-Jason Derulo ft Nicki Minaj & Ty Dolla $ign: Just when I thought that the pop music was done with Jason Derulo, he comes back and with a song called Swalla. When I saw that name and who’s featured on it, I did not expect good things to come from it and I was right. Dear Odin, this sucks. A lesson to music artists: don’t touch Ol’ Dirty Bastard unless you can match his maniacal energy and presence, which this song doesn’t have any of as it bastardizes Shimmy Shimmy Ya. It’s just a bunch of horny douchebags being horny douchebags. Plus, Nicki Minaj is on the song. I stated before that Nicki Minaj is pretty much dead to me after a series of horrendous records from her wore out my patience. Her verse here was mediocre and it includes a jab at Remy Ma because why not. *sigh* What a waste of time and space. I give it an F.
#28. Slow Hands-Niall Horan: I don’t care for this song. I really don’t. The solo One Direction singles are not songs that I would go back and repeatedly listen to. At best, you get Harry Styles. At worst, you get Liam Payne and that awful Strip You Down song. Niall Horan is somewhere in the middle. To give credit where credit is due, Slow Hands is better than the snoozefest that was This Town. Still, with bland folk instrumentation, meh singing, and a love story that I don’t really care for, I don’t have a reason to gravitate towards the song. In the sea of solo 1D singles, this is just more inoffensive schlock that I can live without. I give it a D.
#27. DNA-Kendrick Lamar: A
#26. Malibu-Miley Cyrus: Well, Miley is never getting out of my shit list. After profiting off the back of hip-hop, she has thrown all of that ratchet shit away like a candy wrapper and disavowed hip-hop’s tendency for hedonism. You know. It’s kinda hypocritical when she fully embraced when she was appropriating black culture and hip-hop for a good while. The power of white privilege. Anywho, Malibu. It marks a different music direction from her, one that doesn’t look or feel forced as she gravitates more towards folk and country. Note I didn’t say good because that description doesn’t apply to this song. This song is just weak. Thin instrumentation, weak vocals, writing that’s uninteresting at most. There’s no punch or grit and it feels even more basic than her previous material. Different coat of paint, same ol’ shit. It gets an F overall.
#25. Sign Of The Times-Harry Styles: C
#24. Rolex-Ayo & Teo: F
#23. Castle On The Hill-Ed Sheeran: A
#22. Location-Khalid: C
#21. Now Or Never-Halsey: F
#20. In Case You Didn’t Know-Brett Young: C
#19. iSpy-KYLE ft Lil Yachty: C
#18. There’s Nothing Holding Me Back-Shawn Mendes: Shawn Mendes. He has a new song, There’s Nothing Holding Me Back. Well… it’s not as awful as Treat You Better. But making a song better than that atrocity is no difficult task because this song is still mediocre. The instrumentation is still generic schlock like most of his songs, his singing still makes him sound like he’s in pain, and the writing is meh. This song doesn’t do much for me. I give it a D.
#17. Unforgettable-French Montana ft 1/2 of Rae Sremmurd: French Montana is one of the most worthless rappers of this decade. His flow is lazy, his bars are below basic, and his content is redundant. There’s no reason for him to stick around. But because the charts don’t care about things like originality or effort, he’s able to get a hit with help from one of the Breadwinners-I mean, Rae Sremmurd. Now a lot of people like this song, which I respect, but I can’t get into this. The only decent thing about the song is the production, which sounds fine even if it is drowsy as hell, but it’s wasted on bad, reverb-heavy Auto-Tune singing, mediocre rapping, AND stealing another man’s girlfriend. Just fantastic. I’m giving it a low D only because of the beat. Sorry for not liking this.
#16. Redbone-Childish Gambino: About damn time this song showed up. In December of last year, Donald Glover AKA Childish Gambino released the funktastic Awaken My Love. One of the songs, Redbone, was featured in the movie Get Out, which was awesome. Many months later, due to memes, the song shot up to the Top 20 and I’m happy because it’s a great song. I love the lush, groovy production flashing back to 70s Parliament. It’s an absolute jam with Gambino channels his inner Prince, expressing his inner paranoia. I’m glad that Jordan Peele picked that song for Get Out because it’s a perfect fit. Here’s to hoping this cracks the Top 10 or higher. This song is getting an A from me.
#15. It Ain’t Me-Kygo & Selena Gomez: A
#14. Body Like A Backroad-Sam Hunt: F
#13. Believer-Imagine Dragons: F
#12. Issues-Julie Micheals: D
#11. Say You Won’t Let Go-James Arthur: D
#10. Congratulations-Post Malone ft Migos (WHY?!?!): F
#9. Stay-Zedd & Alessia Cara: C
#8. Something Just Like This-The Chainsmokers & Coldplay: B
#7. XO Tour Life-Lil Uzi Vert: F
#6. Mask Off-Future: F
#5. HUMBLE-Kendrick Lamar: A
#4. Shape Of You: Ed Sheeran: C
#3. I’m The One-DJ Khaled & company: F
#2. That’s What I Like-Bruno Mars: A
#1. Despacito-Luis Fonti & Daddy Yankee: D
So those were the Top 40 songs on the Billboard Hot 100 as of June 13, 2017. Stay tuned next month when I do another Top 40 Review. This week, it’s the Worst Songs of 1982 list.