Target Practice

Target Practice: DJ Khaled ft Justin Bieber, Chance The Rapper, & Quavo “No Brainer”

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Welcome to Target Practice where bad popular songs of the past and present get shot. DJ Khaled. After being part of Terror Squad, he became the modern day Diddy in the way that he gets a bunch of people on a song (with beats he usually doesn’t make) and presents them as huge anthems. In more recent years, Khaled has become an internet phenomenon thanks to his Snapchat. If only the music matched his larger-than-life persona instead of being mostly generic crap. With his collaborations, Khaled always seems to go for the popular people with the intent to follow the trends, which isn’t inherently bad, but it makes your music stand out less in an ocean of songs just like it. This brings us to today’s Target Practice, where Khaled brought back Justin Bieber, Chance The Rapper, and Quavo to recapture lightning in a bottle after his number one hit from last year. This is I’m The One-I mean, I’m The Two-no. This is No Brainer.

We the Best Music!
Another one!
DJ Khaled! 

You know? The catchphrases are getting old and their effectiveness lessens when you forcefully shove them all in. Let’s move on to the Biebs’ chorus.

You stick out of the crowd, baby, it’s a no-brainer
It ain’t that hard to choose
Him or me, be for real, baby, it’s a no-brainer

Aaaaaand we start with trying to steal some other dude’s girlfriend. Yipee.

You got your mind unloose
Go hard and watch the sun rise
One night’ll change your whole life
Off top, drop-top, baby it’s a no-brainer
Put ’em up if you with me
Yeah, yeah-eah, yeah, yeah-eah-eah
In the middle, woah
Woah-woah-oah, oh, oh-oh, ooh
Put ’em high
Put ’em high
Yeah-eah-eah, yeah, yeah-eah-eah
Both arms, yeah
Woah-woah-oah, oh, oh-oh, ooh
Put ’em high

Can we talk about how Bieber looks for a second? Dude, the trailer park white trash look isn’t working for you. He looks like the love child of Macaulay Culkin and Kid Rock. He looks like he smells like weed and day-old pizza. I know making fun of Bieber is low-hanging fruit, but this dude gives us new things to make fun of him for. Now let’s move on to the first verse from Quavo.

Mama told you don’t talk to strangers (mama, mama, mama!)
But when you’re ridin’ in the drop, you can’t explain it (skrrt, skrrt, skrrt-skrrt)

Lesson of the day: listen to your parents. Otherwise, you’ll end up with drugged-out trap rappers who’ll have sex with other chicks.

What you been waitin’ on this whole time? (Yeah)
I blow the brains outta your mind (ooh)

Excuse me?

And I ain’t talkin’ ’bout physically (no)
I’m talkin’ ’bout mentally (talkin’ ’bout mentally)

No, no, no, no, no. You’re not gonna let this slide, buddy. “No, no. I didn’t mean “blow the brains outta your mind” as in shoot you in the head, I meant it mentally. You know? It’s metaphorical.”

She lookin’, she look like she nasty (she lookin’)
She lookin’, she look like she classy (she lookin’)

So bad and boujee.

She lookin’, just look at her dancin’ (look at her)
She lookin’, I took her to the mansion (yeah, yeah)

… Let’s move on to Chance The Rapper.

Don’t look rich, I ain’t got no chain (huh)
Not on the list, I ain’t got no name

“Look at me. I’m so humble even though I won three Grammys and I’m on a song with a guy who yells his name a lot and works with famous artists, one of the world’s biggest pop stars, and a guy who’s part of a rap group whose breakout single is named after Versace.”

But we in this bitch, bitch, I’m not no lame
And I keep it Ben Franklin, I’m not gon’ change

Image result for cartman lame

Lot of these hoes is messy (messy)
I just want you and your bestie
I don’t got the answer for whenever you text me
It’s multiple choice and they all wanna test me

Dude, stop. This isn’t you.

She ch-ch-ch-ch-choosin’ the squad
She tryna choose between me, Justin, Qua’ and Asahd

A reminder that Asahd is DJ Khaled’s one year old son. Some woman is trying to choose between two rappers, a pop singer, and a baby.

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Yikes. And I might as well talk about this while we’re on the subject of Asahd: DJ Khaled needs to chill out on his boy. I get it: parenthood is a life-changing thing and can be the best thing to happen to you. I’m sure Khaled loves his son the same way the majority of parents love their kids. But the way he’s showing him off (also giving him producer credits) is no different from that obnoxious parent who always brag about their kids doing the most mundane things, it’s too much. This kid has too much fame before he even knows how to walk or talk. Imagine how he’ll be when he gets older.

She told me that she love that I make music for God
I told her I would love to see that booty applaud

I wonder how this conversation went.

woman: I’m a huge fan of yours. I love the fact that your music is very God-centric…

Chance: LORD JESUS, THANK YOU FOR THE PLENTIFUL BOOTY THAT YOU’VE BLESSED MY EYES TO SEE!! NOW MAKE THOSE CHEEKS CLAP FOR THE LORD!! HALLELUJAH!!

Oh, and Bieber has a verse because they couldn’t get Lil Wayne to show up. Thankfully, he’s not rapping.

Walked down, had me sittin’ up
Demanded my attention, had to give it up

In other words, you got a boner.

Look like somebody designed you
Drop-dead gorgeous, you make me wanna live it up

In other words, she’s so beautiful, she might as well be made by the hand of God.

Your presence is critical
Movin’ my soul, yeah, you’re spiritual

Critical how? Because of your boner? Also, you’re not fooling anyone with this spiritual shit. The only spirits that are moving are the ones coming out of your penis.

They hate it when you notice me
Like everybody else invisible (ooh)

Honestly, I’m amazed that anyone gives a shit about Bieber by this point.

Breakin’ all the rules (oh-oh)
So above the law (so above the law)
I’ll be your excuse (damn right)
Uh, and you go wrong, no

Dude, you’re not that convincing as the bad boy, especially when you look like a millennial Joe Dirt.

This song has no brain. It’s just a blatant retread of I’m The One minus Lil Wayne. It has that bland summery production, but with chipmunk vocals and snaps. Quavo wasn’t that good, Chance disappoints, and Bieber was, well, Bieber. The lyrics are unimpressive pick-up lines aimed to convince these girls to have sex with them. There wasn’t an original thought that went into making this song, it basically copy-pasted I’m The One and turned into another boring, generic pop rap song. Next Target Practice, it’s KISS, for real this time.

Peace!!

SONG OF THE WEEK

Do You Love Me-The Contours

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8 thoughts on “Target Practice: DJ Khaled ft Justin Bieber, Chance The Rapper, & Quavo “No Brainer”

  1. Good review. Yeah this song is a complete waste of time. Everyone on this song is phoning it in big time. I’m also getting tired of DJ Khaled and how he exposes his son. It may have been cute at first but now it’s just so annoying and while I get he likes to be proud of his son, let him be a baby and let him enjoy his life without all the attention. It’ll be funny to see how his son reacts to all this attention he got when he’s older.

    Here’s my lists for 2003
    Best Hit Songs of 2003
    1)Clocks by Coldplay
    2)Where Is The Love? by The Black Eyed Peas
    3)Beautiful/Can’t Hold Us Down ft. Lil Kim/Fighter by Christina Aguilera
    4)Unwell by Matchbox 20
    5)Cry Me A River/Rock Your Body by Justin Timberlake
    6)Crazy in Love by Beyoncé ft. JAY-Z
    7)Ignition (Remix) by R. Kelly
    8)Stand Up by Ludacris ft. Shawnna
    9)Picture by Kid Rock ft. Sheryl Crow
    10)The Game of Love by Santana ft. Michelle Branch
    Honorable Mentions
    In Da Club by 50 Cent
    Get Busy by Sean Paul
    When I’m Gone by 3 Doors Down
    Miss You by Aaliyah
    Bring Me To Life by Evanescence
    Get Low by Lil Jon and The East Side Boys ft. The Ying Yang Twins
    I Know What You Want by Busta Rhymes and Mariah Carey ft. Flipmode Squad
    I’m With You by Avril Lavigne
    Frontin’ by Pharrell ft. JAY-Z
    Landslide by The Dixie Chicks
    Miss Independent by Kelly Clarkson
    Headstrong by Trapt
    Beautiful by Snoop Dogg ft. Pharrell and Charlie Wilson
    Excuse Me Miss by JAY-Z
    Are You Happy Now? by Michelle Beanch
    I Can by Nas
    It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere by Alan Jackson and Jimmy Buffett
    Sing for the Moment by Eminem
    Love of My Life (An Ode to Hip-Hop) by Erykah Badu ft. Common
    Thugz Mansion by 2Pac
    Step in the Name of Love by R. Kelly
    Like a Stone by Audioslave
    Don’t Know Why by Norah Jones

    Worst Hit Songs of 2003
    1)Have You Forgotten? by Darryl Worley
    2)She Hates Me by Puddle of Mudd
    3)Mesmerize by Ja Rule ft. Ashanti
    4)Right Thurr/Holidae In ft. Ludacris and Snoop Dogg by Chingy
    5)Shake Ya Tailfeather by Nelly ft. P. Diddy and Murphy Lee
    6)If You’re Not The One by Daniel Bedingfield
    7)Thoia Thoing by R. Kelly
    8)Intuition by Jewel
    9)Jenny from the Block by Jennifer Lopez ft. Jadakiss and Styles P
    10)Your Body Is A Wonderland by John Mayer
    Dishonorable Mentions
    Baby Boy by Beyoncé ft. Sean Paul
    Drift Away by Uncle Kracker ft. Dobie Gray
    Magic Stick by Lil Kim ft. 50 Cent
    Bump, Bump, Bump by B2K ft. P. Diddy
    Air Force Ones by Nelly ft. St. Lunatics
    This is The Night by Clay Aiken
    My Love is Like… Wo by Mya
    Wanksta by 50 Cent
    Like Glue by Sean Paul
    Rain on Me by Ashanti ft. Ja Rule
    Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop by Young Gunz ft. Chingy
    Superman by Eminem

    Like

  2. there was a few songs from chance the rapper you liked even recommended. I thought somewhere you would say “Chance the rapper you broke my heart”.
    Factoid about Contours “Do you love me”. It charted in 1963, a year you will cover next week. Then they remixed it a little and it just missed the top ten in 1988 thanks to Dirty Dancing.

    Like

    1. I also think the line about Chance saying the girl she’s talking to is trying to figure out who to choose between the 2 rappers, 1 pop singer and the 1 baby to spend time with. Yeah, yeah, Rap Critic joked that she could potentially be thinking about screwing a toddler but I think Chance is saying she doesn’t know who to spend time with which is pretty easy to choose who isn’t right. The 3 famous artists who are rich adults or the toddler who needs adult supervision to function, clearly Bieber is even the better choice.

      Like

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