Welcome to Target Practice where bad popular songs of the past and present get shot. DJ Khaled. After being part of Terror Squad, he became the modern day Diddy in the way that he gets a bunch of people on a song (with beats he usually doesn’t make) and presents them as huge anthems. In more recent years, Khaled has become an internet phenomenon thanks to his Snapchat. If only the music matched his larger-than-life persona instead of being mostly generic crap. With his collaborations, Khaled always seems to go for the popular people with the intent to follow the trends, which isn’t inherently bad, but it makes your music stand out less in an ocean of songs just like it. This brings us to today’s Target Practice, where Khaled brought back Justin Bieber, Chance The Rapper, and Quavo to recapture lightning in a bottle after his number one hit from last year. This is I’m The One-I mean, I’m The Two-no. This is No Brainer.
We the Best Music!
You know? The catchphrases are getting old and their effectiveness lessens when you forcefully shove them all in. Let’s move on to the Biebs’ chorus.
You stick out of the crowd, baby, it’s a no-brainer
It ain’t that hard to choose
Him or me, be for real, baby, it’s a no-brainer
Aaaaaand we start with trying to steal some other dude’s girlfriend. Yipee.
You got your mind unloose
Go hard and watch the sun rise
One night’ll change your whole life
Off top, drop-top, baby it’s a no-brainer
Put ’em up if you with me
Yeah, yeah-eah, yeah, yeah-eah-eah
In the middle, woah
Woah-woah-oah, oh, oh-oh, ooh
Put ’em high
Put ’em high
Yeah-eah-eah, yeah, yeah-eah-eah
Both arms, yeah
Woah-woah-oah, oh, oh-oh, ooh
Put ’em high
Can we talk about how Bieber looks for a second? Dude, the trailer park white trash look isn’t working for you. He looks like the love child of Macaulay Culkin and Kid Rock. He looks like he smells like weed and day-old pizza. I know making fun of Bieber is low-hanging fruit, but this dude gives us new things to make fun of him for. Now let’s move on to the first verse from Quavo.
Mama told you don’t talk to strangers (mama, mama, mama!)
But when you’re ridin’ in the drop, you can’t explain it (skrrt, skrrt, skrrt-skrrt)
Lesson of the day: listen to your parents. Otherwise, you’ll end up with drugged-out trap rappers who’ll have sex with other chicks.
What you been waitin’ on this whole time? (Yeah)
I blow the brains outta your mind (ooh)
And I ain’t talkin’ ’bout physically (no)
I’m talkin’ ’bout mentally (talkin’ ’bout mentally)
No, no, no, no, no. You’re not gonna let this slide, buddy. “No, no. I didn’t mean “blow the brains outta your mind” as in shoot you in the head, I meant it mentally. You know? It’s metaphorical.”
She lookin’, she look like she nasty (she lookin’)
She lookin’, she look like she classy (she lookin’)
So bad and boujee.
She lookin’, just look at her dancin’ (look at her)
She lookin’, I took her to the mansion (yeah, yeah)
… Let’s move on to Chance The Rapper.
Don’t look rich, I ain’t got no chain (huh)
Not on the list, I ain’t got no name
“Look at me. I’m so humble even though I won three Grammys and I’m on a song with a guy who yells his name a lot and works with famous artists, one of the world’s biggest pop stars, and a guy who’s part of a rap group whose breakout single is named after Versace.”
But we in this bitch, bitch, I’m not no lame
And I keep it Ben Franklin, I’m not gon’ change
Lot of these hoes is messy (messy)
I just want you and your bestie
I don’t got the answer for whenever you text me
It’s multiple choice and they all wanna test me
Dude, stop. This isn’t you.
She ch-ch-ch-ch-choosin’ the squad
She tryna choose between me, Justin, Qua’ and Asahd
A reminder that Asahd is DJ Khaled’s one year old son. Some woman is trying to choose between two rappers, a pop singer, and a baby.
Yikes. And I might as well talk about this while we’re on the subject of Asahd: DJ Khaled needs to chill out on his boy. I get it: parenthood is a life-changing thing and can be the best thing to happen to you. I’m sure Khaled loves his son the same way the majority of parents love their kids. But the way he’s showing him off (also giving him producer credits) is no different from that obnoxious parent who always brag about their kids doing the most mundane things, it’s too much. This kid has too much fame before he even knows how to walk or talk. Imagine how he’ll be when he gets older.
She told me that she love that I make music for God
I told her I would love to see that booty applaud
I wonder how this conversation went.
woman: I’m a huge fan of yours. I love the fact that your music is very God-centric…
Chance: LORD JESUS, THANK YOU FOR THE PLENTIFUL BOOTY THAT YOU’VE BLESSED MY EYES TO SEE!! NOW MAKE THOSE CHEEKS CLAP FOR THE LORD!! HALLELUJAH!!
Oh, and Bieber has a verse because they couldn’t get Lil Wayne to show up. Thankfully, he’s not rapping.
Walked down, had me sittin’ up
Demanded my attention, had to give it up
In other words, you got a boner.
Look like somebody designed you
Drop-dead gorgeous, you make me wanna live it up
In other words, she’s so beautiful, she might as well be made by the hand of God.
Your presence is critical
Movin’ my soul, yeah, you’re spiritual
Critical how? Because of your boner? Also, you’re not fooling anyone with this spiritual shit. The only spirits that are moving are the ones coming out of your penis.
They hate it when you notice me
Like everybody else invisible (ooh)
Honestly, I’m amazed that anyone gives a shit about Bieber by this point.
Breakin’ all the rules (oh-oh)
So above the law (so above the law)
I’ll be your excuse (damn right)
Uh, and you go wrong, no
Dude, you’re not that convincing as the bad boy, especially when you look like a millennial Joe Dirt.
This song has no brain. It’s just a blatant retread of I’m The One minus Lil Wayne. It has that bland summery production, but with chipmunk vocals and snaps. Quavo wasn’t that good, Chance disappoints, and Bieber was, well, Bieber. The lyrics are unimpressive pick-up lines aimed to convince these girls to have sex with them. There wasn’t an original thought that went into making this song, it basically copy-pasted I’m The One and turned into another boring, generic pop rap song. Next Target Practice, it’s KISS, for real this time.
SONG OF THE WEEK
Do You Love Me-The Contours