Welcome back to another Hot 100 Top 40 Review where we look at the 40 most popular songs in the US as I’m typing this. Let’s get started.
#40. Envy Me-Calboy: Every month, there’s always at least one forgettable trap artist who notches a song on the charts and one of the more recent ones is Calboy with Envy Me. Honestly, there’s nothing to be envious about because this shit is boring. Dull trap beat, too much Auto-Tune, underwhelming hook, and generic bragging lyrics you’ve heard a million times before. Chances are when this song leaves the charts, it’ll be forgotten. I give it a 1/5.
#39. i-Lil Skies: From one trap artist to another. This time, we have Lil Skies with i. While it is better than most trap songs, it’s still not anything great. It’s Lil Skies talking about his personal problems and I honestly don’t care for it. Maybe it’s the drowsy beat or the Auto-Tuned performance. It’s not terrible, but I can’t get behind it, either. Go listen to Kendrick Lamar’s i instead of this. It’s a 2/5 for me.
#37. Girls Need Love (Remix)-Summer Walker & Drake: Because nobody learned anything from last year and the years before, we got ANOTHER song with Drake on it. Like a broken record. This is Girls Need Love, an indie R&B song that was released last year that got a remix with Drake because why the hell not. It’s about women wanting sex and love and it’s written in the woman’s perspective. That, in itself, is a good idea. The beat works for a moody R&B song and Summer Walker is an okay singer. But then there’s the beige elephant in the room, Drake. He did not need to be here. He’s only there because he’s a wave-rider who jumps on a song with anyone with a buzz to
boost his ego increase their clout. Anyways, I give this song a 3/5.
#34. Robbery-Juice WRLD: You know? I get it. I get and understand why Juice WRLD is a thing. He appeals to a mostly teenage audience in the same way Simple Plan did. I bring that band up because they and Juice WRLD share similarities: most of their listeners are teenagers, they make melodramatic emo music, and their songwriting is terrible. Case in point, Robbery. It seems like Juice WRLD is hellbent on making his own version of Untitled (How Could This Happen To Me) because this is straight up awful. First off, the singing is TERRIBLE. TERRIBLE. Listen to this dude sing and tell me with a sincere face that it sounds good. You can’t. It clashes with the bright piano beat that’s been given. And equally as bad is the writing where Juice WRLD is whining about his ex and it features some of the most cringeworthy incel lyrics since All Girls Are The Same.
She told me put my heart in the bag (In the bag)
And nobody gets hurt (No hurt)
Now I'm running from her love, I'm not fast (Fast)
So I'm making it worse (Making it worse)
Now I'm digging up a grave, from my past
I'm a whole different person (I'm a whole different person)
It's a gift and a curse (It's a gift and a curse)
But I cannot reverse it
One thing my dad told me was, "Never let your woman know when you're insecure"
So I put Gucci on the fur
And I put my wrist on iceberg
One thing my heart tells me is
"Flex on a ho every time they're insecure"
I'm throwing rocks at your window, I need to go home
I don't wanna leave
I just wanna be with you
You, you, you
Seriously, what is this shit? Even the most dramatic emo bands of the 2000s would pass on something like this. There’s no way around it; Robbery sucks and it’s one of Juice WRLD’s worst songs ever. It might possibly be one of the worst songs of the decade. I give it a 1/5.
#17. Murder On My Mind-YNW Melly: The most buzz I’ve heard from YNW Melly is that as I’m typing this, he’s currently being charged for the murder of two of his best friends on some Uchiha shit (anime fans will get the reference). And because America loves glamorizing criminals, we have this in the Top 20, Murder On My Mind, which YNW Melly wrote while he was locked up and, funny enough, is about shooting a friend. Note: this song was made and released before the murders happened, so it’s not technically a confession, but damn, son. This could come back and bite you in the ass during the trial. That aside, how’s the rest of the song? Honestly, I don’t like it. I’m not a fan of the production, I don’t like the heavy Auto-Tune use, and the lyrics are mostly murder talk along with some bragging that kills the dark brooding atmosphere. It doesn’t do it for me overall. It’ll be interesting to see how his career pans out if he beats his case or if he becomes another Bobby Shmurda. My guess is that regardless of the outcome, YNW Melly is not going to have a long, fruitful career, given his rap sheet. I give Murder On My Mind a 1/5. It’s not for me.
#15. break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored-Ariana Grande: Next up is break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored, the last song on the thank u, next album, and boy, is it underwhelming. The beat is cool and the hook is catchy, but Ariana Grande is not doing her best performance here and in terms of the writing, the title speaks for itself. It’s the same premise as Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne and it’s just as cringeworthy. Funny enough, the music video portrays the girlfriend as Ariana Grande herself, which frames the whole thing as a “love yourself” message, which doesn’t match the song itself. I don’t know. The song is still mediocre at the end of the say. I give it a 2/5.
#3. Please Me-Cardi B & Bruno Mars: After Finesse became a huge hit, the next logical step was to recapture lightning in a bottle with Please Me. It’s another Bruno Mars and Cardi B collaboration with 90s R&B production. Let me say this, it’s not as good as Finesse, but I still like it. Instead of new jack swing, the production goes for a style similar to a lot of smooth ballads from the same time period, utilizing a sample of Freek’n You by Jodeci. And like Freek’n You, it’s a sex song and it works. Bruno Mars handles the chorus and bridge while Cardi B is on the verses and they both kill it. Maybe it’s because I’m currently doing a series looking back at 90s R&B, but I dig this song. I give it a 4/5.
#1. Sucker-Jonas Brothers: Well, fuck me sideways. We have a Jonas Brothers song on the charts in 2019. For those who haven’t been keeping up with pop culture in the late 2000s or was too young to remember, the Jonas Brothers were one of many manufactured pop acts created by Disney back when they were at their low point. They got a crap-ton of airplay on Radio Disney and before Justin Bieber, adolescent/teen girls loved them. I would know; I was in middle school when they were a thing and it annoyed me. Even back then, I never liked the Jonas Brothers, I always found their music bland and flavorless. This was at a time where I was done with Disney and this, plus Hannah Montana and a bunch of mediocre movies/TV shows, were part of the reason why. Anyways, the brothers took a hiatus to do solo work and got married. Now, they’re back and they managed to get a number one hit in Sucker. So how is it? Have the JoBros improved since the last time they were together? Well, it’s not bad, I’ll say that. But it’s not exactly an artistic evolution, either. It sounds like the same Radio Disney shit that they’ve always made. The music is simple, limp, and breezy, the vocals aren’t anything mind-blowing, and the writing is super basic. You couldn’t go more basic than this. This shit sounds like the soundtrack to a bad Disney Channel movie or sitcom. It’s bland, empty radio filler that’s only this successful because all of those prepubescent girls who went to Jonas Brothers concerts a decade ago have grown up and are now feeling nostalgic for those times. Those are the true suckers. I give this song a 2/5.
Girls Need Love
Murder On My Mind
And that was another Billboard Hot 100 Top 40 Review. Stay tuned next month when I do another. This week, I review Captain Marvel and the Hot R&B Singles Review of 1991. Look forward to those.