Target Practice

Target Practice: Jonas Brothers “Cool”

Welcome to Target Practice where bad popular songs of the past and present get shot. A few months ago, the Jonas Brothers, one of Disney’s former creations, reunited for a comeback with Sucker debuting at the top of the charts. This was great news for people who grew up on the JoBros and were huge fans of them. I found the song to be meh. Better than their early material, but still meh. But it didn’t prepare me for their follow-up, which I’ve heard was one of the worst songs of the year. Does it live up to that reputation? Well, let’s find out. This is Cool. (spoilers: it’s not cool)

I'm feeling so cool
From top to the bottom, just cool
In every little thing that I do
Dammit I'm feeling so cool, yeah

Yeah, sure you are.

Woke up feeling like a new James Dean
I combed my hair like an old school scene
Feeling high like that late night summer of last year, yeah

I guarantee you a lot of young folks don’t know who James Dean is, unless they’re talking about the porn star, which is completely different.

Standing there with the red dress on, yeah
A killer queen like a young Jane Fonda
Is it me or am I just having a good year?

Is Nick talking about himself or somebody else? I hope he’s talking about somebody else because the image of Nick Jonas wearing a dress is one I don’t need pictured in my brain.

Lately I've been feeling so cool
From top to the bottom, just cool
Every little thing that I do
Dammit I'm feeling so cool
It's like ooh, maybe I should bottle my moves
Sell it for a dollar or two
Dammit I'm feeling so cool

…………………… I got nothing.

Must have done something right
'Cause all these lights are green
Man, they look like palm trees
And every time that song comes on it's about me

Or maybe you’re just high and seeing things that aren’t there.

Oh I feel like Post Malone
When I get home
Sitting there winning like it's Game of Thrones
And now that we've made it
How complicated was last year

You mean you feel like a culture vulture who looks like he smells like ass, weed, and cheese and probably hasn’t touched soap or shampoo in months? Also, do you really want to compare your life to Game Of Thrones, with all the gory death and incest that goes on in that show and ending on a shitty finale that felt like poorly-written fanfiction? Wait. Joe Jonas is engaged to Sophie Turner, who portrays Sansa Stark in Game Of Thrones. Is this his wink to his fiancé? Wow.

Woke up feeling like a new James Dean
I combed my hair like an old school scene
When I grow up I wanna be just like me

But… you are you, dumbass. How the fuck can you want to grow up to be like yourself? Is this one of those Zen riddles that have no answer? Motherfucker, you are not the Riddler.

This song is as cool as someone’s out-of-touch uncle still stuck in the year 1985. The production is garbage, sounding like every basic modern pop song where the acoustics don’t mix well with the preset beat, limp-dick guitar solo, and awfully-mixed falsettos. It’s the audio equivalent of a kidney stone slowly passing through the urethra. If this song was trying to emulate coolness, then it failed spectacularly because nothing being said on this song is cool. Even the worst parts of the 80s would laugh this song out of existence. It’s an embarrassment of epic proportions. Next Target Practice, we go back 10 years to look at a collaboration between Jamie Foxx and T-Pain that you can blame on more than just the alcohol.




3 thoughts on “Target Practice: Jonas Brothers “Cool”

  1. Agree with your take. I’ve never cared for The Jonas Brothers’ music even when I was a kid during their Disney fame days. Sucker was a step up but still nothing special but Cool is just stupid. The fact that this song is called Cool is very ironic as it is anything but that. The production and vocals are very weak and the lyrics reek of trying to be all hip with the youth culture of today with the references to Post Malone and Game of Thrones. Though like you said I don’t know how any young person today would recognize James Dean or Jane Fonda unless they’re serious film nerds or in Jane Fonda’s case they know about Hanoi Jane or her workout videos from the 80s. So even on relating to the youths Cool fails. It’s not the worst thing ever but I don’t need this in my life.

    Looking forward to the next Target Practice. That Jamie Foxx song will be fun to rip apart. Speaking of Foxx, have you seen him on Beat Shazam and the All In The Family/The Jeffersons live show they did this week? I enjoy watching Beat Shazam since I know almost every song they play and seeing how well the contestants do.

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